There are few things in this world that I truly, truly love with all my heart. (emphasis placed on things as opposed to people). A few of them would include coffee (duh), good books, music, laughter, and experiences that stretch you in your understanding of life. Even though I am exhausted after this past weekend, I look back and see that I had all of these things and it makes my heart swell with love and unbelief that I get to live this life.
If you talked to me at all last week, you would know that I was pretty stressed out. In terms of school work I had two papers due and a midterm. Plus I was putting together final details for the worship portion of the University Ministries Women’s Retreat we had Friday into Saturday. I was busy and stressed and probably took it out on those closest to me (sorry Hil!)
But Friday night came and after everything had gone like a roller coaster of good and bad, I sat down at the piano and looked out at the room of about 60 undergrad women and I felt extremely blessed and in awe of the fact that I got to be a part of this weekend. Our theme was “Becoming Unbound” and our focus was on how to step into the freedom of Christ and become unbound. Worship didn’t go perfectly but it went well and I was stretched. I had never led worship before and I’ve learned a few things which is always good. It was a great experience and it was really amazing to hear all the women’s stories of where they are at in this journey of stepping into the life that God has created for us.
I came home from the retreat on Saturday early evening and walked into a transformed apartment which was being prepped for our Halloween party. Soon enough the whole apartment was buzzing with music, dancing and laughter. It was a great time and I got to see sides of people that I haven’t seen before. I really enjoyed this time with my seminary friends and I laughed more that night than I have in a long time.
However, I did have to leave the party early in order to make it to the WEEPIES CONCERT! A few good friends had driven up from Kansas City to attend with me and it was amazing. It was just a really good show by one of my favorites artists. They told stories and laughed and played from their hearts. I even bought a t-shirt with whales on it…so fun!
Sunday was a day of paying the piper though. I had to get reorganized, do laundry and think forward to the week ahead – plus clean up the massive mess left from the party. However I did it all in the company of my lovely newest roommate Hilary and that made everything feel so much better. Next blog is gonna be all about her, she’s fantastica!
So that was my weekend. God had truly blessed me in my life here in Chicago. I stand in awe at all the ways he’s provided for me everything I wanted and needed but couldn’t put words to.
I need a language as large as this longing inside
Yesterday I was sitting in my Greek Exegesis class and our professor shared something magical with us. (You should probably know that this particular class just might be my favorite because of our professor, the content and my classmates).
So we were learning about the definite article and it’s various forms in Greek, sounds amazing right? One of my classmates asked the question, “I understand when we talk about it in here, but when I’m in the library struggling through the text, how am I supposed to recognize/remember all of this?” That’s when our professor smiled and gave us this comparison.
He said that at his optometrist’s office they have a Magic Eye. Remember those from childhood? Those pictures that look like nonsense until you look at them in just the right way and all of the sudden a 3-D image pops out? Well he talked about how sometimes he can see it and other time he can’t make his eyes do the magic trick and it goes back to looking like squiggly lines.
He likened this to our study of scripture. His purpose in teaching this class is that we can understand these little nuances of scripture and what they mean. When we look at scripture knowing all these little things then suddenly these 2000 year old words pop and have color and contour. It’s not about being able to understand it totally a hundred percent every time but that when we read about it in commentaries and such we can point back and say, oh yeah, that’s what that means.
The thing about Seminary is that sometimes it is super hard and I feel like I’m not getting it or that particular lesson means nothing in my life. But it’s not true, I’m learning how to see Scripture / God / the world differently.
He also told us that he hopes we would have the Magic Eye to see the world in this way and be able to point to it for our congregations. That’s it’s not about helping them understand the grammar of the Greek (please let me never be that pastor) but more so what that means in their lives. We are going to this school in order to help people encounter God in new and engaging ways. And that is super cool.
So, despite the fact that I am unbelievably stressed right now about midterms and papers and retreat and the likes, I am learning how to fine-tune my eye and to see life in a new way. And I like that.
my life be like…
I realize how tired people are probably getting of hearing me say over and over how much I love Seminary. But I do, and this is my blog, so yeah.
I love Seminary.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It is hard. It is really hard and there are moments where my head feels like it just might explode and I don’t know what to do with that fact. But even in the moments where things are really hard and I just want to quit, there is a glimmering light that pulls me back and reminds me why I am here and who I am.
Yesterday in one of my classes (my hardest class if you wanted to know) our professor checked in with us. He does this quite frequently, asking us how we are doing. Someone spoke up and alluded to the fact that this particular class was pretty hard and how much work it required of us. Our professor looked around the room at all the nodding heads and after pausing for a breath he said, “Well, Seminary is hard.”
I have this professor for two different classes and we’ve had this moment with him in both classes. He acknowledges our struggles in the class but then always just says that we need to be faithful.
Be Faithful. Two simple words and yet it’s something that in this context is really hard. When he says it, he doesn’t necessarily mean that we need to have faith (I don’t think). He’s more challenging us to just keep swimming. We may feel like we’re drowning. We may feel like nothing we read is actually sticking into our brains, but eventually it will click.
He also brought up a good point yesterday, we are being prepared for ministry. For a life of serving in the church where anything can happen at anytime. Our teachers want to prepare us for that and to be successful in Ministry. Not that learning will end after our 3 years but these 3 years are the time where we get to buckle down and learn as much as we can about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Bible and how to apply those things to our lives and the lives of those around us. We need to learn to preach and to decipher the word and prepare studies. We have a lot to do in these 3 years.
Not to mention…. I signed up for this. I knew it would be hard and I came here. I enrolled, this is on me. So I am learning to be faithful to hundreds of pages of reading and all sorts of things like that.
And that’s where I’m at these days. I go to class, I go to the library, I go to Starbucks. I sometimes hang out with my friends. I hang out in my apartment, reading. This is the life of a Seminarian. And I love it.
so come on and talk me down on that cellular phone
Here’s something I’ve learned so far in Seminary … it’s hard. End of story.
Just kidding. But really, it is hard. I’ve spent most of my time reading and not really doing much writing. Which is evident because I haven’t posted a blog in 2 weeks. That’s just crazy!
I would go back and talk about all the things I’ve been learning and growing in but it’s a lot so instead I’m going to talk more about something that happened today. Today I had a meeting with NPU’s Campus Pastor about getting involved with University Ministries. During our meeting we got on a few tangents and she challenged me to a sort of 30 day “fast.” And I’ve decided to take her up on it.
This fast is purely technological and relational in both execution and intention. I shared with her my struggle with feeling as though I am caught between two places. I shared this in my post on Tim’s site (relationalyouthministry.com) but more and more I think I have struggled with wanting to make connections here but finding that it is so much easier to just call home/KC/Muskegon where people know my story, know my struggles and know my passions. But I was challenged in my thinking of that today.
You see, it’s been proven that we only have space in our lives for 200 significant relationships. Significant meaning that we think about them, they think about us, we have the ability to modify them and they have the ability to modify us. Now, if you think about it, it only takes a couple of big moves until you fill up those 200 spots. So at some point, you have to either cut some people or not make new connections in new places. Right?
So if when I moved here I used 70% of my energies to really continue investing in the relationships back in various places I’ve lived then I only have 30% left to give to the people I’ve met here. The funny thing is that those relationships are so good because I jumped in at 100% in Kansas City/moving back to Denver, etc. So why doesn’t Chicago, this community deserve that same 100%?
I have sacrificed my incarnation-al relationships for my technological relationships. When something exciting happens I get on the phone/twitter/facebook to notify people in various places. When I’m struggling with something I do the same thing. Same with what I’m learning. My first instinct is to retreat back to those relationships that are already comfortable. Shouldn’t my first instinct be to invest in people who I can talk to face-to-face? I’ll answer that for you …. yes.
But it’s not about dropping my friends (like they’re hot). It’s about trusting those friendships enough that we know that in order for us to be in healthy places that we must be fully invested where we are at. It’s about being able to come back to those friendships and picking up where we left off. It’s about knowing that in order for me to be healthy, I need to learn to depend on the people I am in physical community with.
So here are the logistics. For the next 30 days I am cutting out the day-to-day communication with friends that live outside of my current zip code. This will include but is not limited to: texts, phone calls, facebook and e-mails.
Now, I will say a few things about exceptions…. prayer requests will be accepted from my friends outside this zip. Also accepted of course, would be emergencies. I will also offer any (close) friend an option of a once per week catch up session via phone call. But that’s about it.
The result, hopefully, will be the actual sharing of my true self with those around me. Whenever something happens (good/bad/indifferent) that I want to share, I will have to find someone to share it with face to face. I will have to have more incarnate relationships and invest in them.
NOTE: This will be an extreme adventure for me. I’m not saying it is going to be easy, in fact it will probably be incredibly hard. We all know how much Alicia likes her facebook …. however, this is me trying to be intentional with these people who I will be spending the next 2-3 years with.
I will be blogging (maybe) through this experience. We’ll see because let’s be honest, it’s not a lack of things to say that have kept me blog free lately. It’s the hundreds of pages of reading I have due about every two days here.
But here we go, adventure time!
44: True Greatness
This morning on a whim I opened my copy of A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and other Servants which I received during my time at Hillcrest. I turned the pages to this weeks section and found this under this week’s “Readings for Reflection”
“And you, too, youthful reader, will realize the Vision (not the idle wish) of your heart, be it base or beautiful, or a mixture of both, for you will always gravitate toward that which you, secretly, must love. Into your hands will be placed the exact results of your own thoughts; you will receive that which you earn; no more, no less. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain, or rise with your thoughts, your Vision, your Ideal. You will become as small as your controling desire; as great as your dominant aspiration…” – From As A Man Thinketh by James Allen
There’s two more little paragraphs but that’s the part that hit me this morning. I’m starting my first semester of Seminary on campus this morning and I’m nervous. However I have a creator that tends to know exactly what I need, even if it’s a short passage while I straighten my hair. I think I’ll be alright here. I may even like it.
what a day to welcome a baby to begin breathing
This is Bizzy. She entered the world (and my heart) on Friday, August 27th at 9:06 p.m. weighing in at 5 lbs 15 oz, and 19.5 inches. She stole my heart the moment my brother sent me a picture. Yes, sent me a picture because as most of you know, I have started my seminary adventure and now live in Chicago, she however, was born in Colorado.
My brother has sent me a few videos and about 26 pictures of this little love. I think he might be proud or something. She is a little darling and although she is only a few days old, I already know that she has me wrapped around those long little fingers. (a piano player like her Tia Eisha perhaps?)
Do not get me wrong, I am super excited for my brother, sister-in-law and my now two nieces. I am so happy that she came out healthy and happy. I am however, not happy that she has entered the world without me there to hold her, to pray for her, to kiss her, to hug her, to sing her to sleep, to change her diapers, to dress her or to give her premature lessons on life and boys (she’s gonna be a handful if she’s half Vela…)
I realize this is not exactly my first time to be an aunt, and that I have lived away for a long time now, however I didn’t expect it to be this hard. To shed this many tears that I am missing out on this big event in my brother’s life. To gather around her crib and talk about how she’s named in memory of her Grandpa whose ears she, unfortunately, has. And whose heart she also would have stolen.
In the midst of missing this event I am also beginning to forge relationships with not only my fellow first years but also other seminary students. We are going to start getting to the point where we share with each other many personal stories and events that I’m not ready to share. Vulnerability scares me and although I want this community to work and be deep, it’s hard.
The benefit though, is that even after five short days of community building, I thoroughly enjoy everyone I have met. I have enjoyed getting to know some people that I already feel a bond with and am looking forward to bonding more with those I am still getting to know.
Seminary is going to be a wonderfully stretching experience for me – that I knew. What I did not anticipate was how much my heart would hurt this time being away from my family. I love my little Isabella, and cannot wait to hold her, to watch her parents love her and to see her big sister shine with pride. In short, I can’t wait to meet this very special little girl.
point out now what we're careless of
I am 16 hours away from the start of my Greek final, meaning that I am only 19 short hours away from being done with Greek. I am excited but at the same time I’m a little sad. Yes, I realize how weird that sounds. But to be honest, I’ve really enjoyed learning Greek. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, I’m not some crazy smart Greek scholar. I don’t know everything there is to know about Greek. But I’ve learned a lot.
Today a few of us from class took a little trip down to the archives of the library to check out some amazing things. We got to see the evolution of the Bible (the new testament at least). we saw some copies of an original Greek manuscript and then a few different versions of the original Greek bibles as well as the Gutenberg Bible which is in Latin. We saw early English translations and heard some funny quotes from the scribes who were responsible for creating the original manuscripts.
It was fascinating. I probably uttered the phrase “this is amazing” at least 30 times in that hour and forty-five minutes. To think that our faith has such history. To think back to the early days when scribes sat and copied down the text so that we could eventually read it all these years later. The process that the scribes when through and the process that critics had to go through after them. It is an amazing story of how many people have contributed over the years to providing us with a readable copy of the New Testament. Astonishing.
While I could go on about this for hours, that’s not the point of this post. I am sure that a lot of these thought processes will grace the blog in the coming few years that I spend at North Park but for now, a little reflection as I look forward to not only finishing Greek but getting the keys to my new apartment, going home to get my stuff and say good-bye to Colorado, to moving into my new apartment and starting this new chapter in my life.
I think back to that day about a year and a half ago when Tim sat me down in his office to talk about life after my internship. I remember him pulling out that application to NPTS and my heart totally dropping. I remember him asking me why I was suddenly crying and while I couldn’t entirely voice it, I knew it had to do with feeling inadequate. I thought he felt as though I was not ready for ministry full-time. I thought he felt I couldn’t do this job. It was a long journey to get to the point that I’m at now, looking forward to the next few years at NP.
People have told me I’m crazy. People have told me it’s the right next step. People have told me I’ll regret it. People have told me I’m just running away from life for a while. I’ve had the whole spectrum of reactions to the statement, “I’m moving to Chicago to go to Seminary.” And while I know that it will be harder to leave home this time, especially with the birth of my niece approaching rapidly, I know this is where God is taking me.
These past six weeks have been brutal. I won’t lie that spending hours upon hours in the library or at Starbucks memorizing paradigms, grammar rules, vocabulary words is not how I imagined spending my summer. Nor have I been loving the muggy grossness that is a Chicago summer. However, I have already seen places in my life that I’ve been growing and where God is preparing me for ministry. He has reignited the fire in my heart for Him and for His people.
So my prayer for being in Seminary is that my heart would be open to whatever God has in store for me. That my excitement to learn be fueled and that I would push to know Him more, even in classes that might be boring or hard to handle. I pray that I would have people in my life that would push me to be better. I pray that I find a church to attend and serve in. I pray that I would care more about how I am loving others than how they are loving me. I pray that my eyes be opened to wonders anew and that I would be able to see Him all around me. I pray that my insecurities would not keep me from His will for my life.
All this to say, I’m glad to be on this side of the process. I’m thankful for those in my life who have continued to encourage and support my passions and goals. Thankful for those how have and continue to walk down this road with me and who have spoken truth into my life. Seminary isn’t about not being good enough yet, it’s about so much more and while I don’t yet know what that looks like in my life, I’m excited to see where it takes me.
I can only tell you what it feels like
On our second day of class, after our quiz, our professor said to us, “2 quizes down, 20 to go.” After today we have 20 down and 2 to go. I am one week away from being done with Greek and that is absolutely insane. What is more insane is to think that I am leaving the day after for my homebound adventure. 6 full days of Colorado funness and then back in the car to drive off to my new life as a seminarian.
My mind has been working a little bit overtime these last few days. In classic Alicia style I have pulled into myself as I’ve been evaluating a lot of relationships in my life and thinking about how crazy my life has been and continues to be. I am really excited about classes starting up and meeting new people. I’m excited to continue to invest in the friendships I’ve made these past 5 weeks and to make some new friends. I’m excited for my classes, they should all be super fun and interesting. I’m excited for my niece to be born, even if I’m 1000 miles away. Basically I’m excited for life right now.
This week has been especially draining for me. Moving around so much these last couple years has taken its toll on me. It’s messed with my sense of “home” and makes me a little uneasy about friendships. I’ve gotten a lot better at the long distance friendships but I think I’ve become more socially awkward (if that is possible). Last week I was so social, going out every night and meeting new people. I really tried hard and put myself out there and it was exhausting. And as a result I didn’t do as well on my Greek test on Monday. So I started this week a little emotionally drained. Trying to find community is hard, it takes a lot of effort and energy. Which is a good thing because nothing worth anything ever goes down easy. (name that song).
The saving grace for me this week has been the couple of friendships that I have found here that are already easy and good. People that I have fun with and enjoy being around whether it’s walking around the neighborhood or watching Bethenny Getting Married? Even studying Greek has been made more fun. It’s been good to already feel like I have a couple of friends that are genuinely fun to be around. We laugh a lot and we enjoy the same types of things. It’s been good.
The only other thing keeping me alive these days is Starbucks. Joke all you want but Greek is HARD and the bucks just makes it that much more enjoyable. I do love me some good Starbucks (as if that’s a shock to anyone who reads this blog.)
This post seems a little disconnected but that’s how my brain feels these days. The full lyric for today’s blog title is “I can’t tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like” … It’s basically how I feel these days. I can’t really tell you what is going on up there in my head, I can only try to put words to these feelings of unsettledness and the joy of new beginnings. I think that this summer has gone by so fast that I never allowed myself to really process any of it as I went. It’s starting to catch up with me and I’m all in my head these days. I need to get out of my head and into the world again… maybe when Greek’s done (which is what I say about everything.)
Greek quote of the week: a conversation between me and my friend in class during translations. He was disagreeing with our teachers translation… for the record, he was wrong…:
Me: ‘”Did you just ‘Boom Roast’ our professor?”
Him: “No, I just ‘Boom Roast’ed the Bible”
12:30 am February 9th 2009
I usually don’t like posting this much during a week but I cannot help but post today.
Today is what we refer to as MAPS day. It’s the anniversary of the awful accident that my two friends Jeff and Amy and I survived.
One year ago yesterday the three of us set out for Monterrey, Mexico. We were going to check out the place where Amy was going to move to and be a missionary. At roughly 12:30 a.m. on Feb 9th we were hit by a drunk driver head on on I-35. The three of us all had injuries but pretty minor when you take into account all that could have happened. Jeff, who was driving, was the worst with broken bones in both legs and a concussion. Amy, who was in the passenger seat, had shredded tendons in her ankle and major bruising from the seat belt. And I, who was asleep in the back seat (unbuckled) had a severe sprained ankle with contusions on my head, arms, and basically my whole body.
There is no doubt in any of our minds that God saved our lives. He kept us alive that night and also changed our lives forever. The next few months were extremely difficult for each of us in our own way. We grew very very close and they are my MAPS…which is spanish for BFF. (Literally … it means mejores amigos para siempre which translates Best Friends Forever).
I also appreciate the many people who showed their love and support of me the next few days when they got the awful news about the accident. The body of Christ was unbelievable in that time.
So today I celebrate life as well as a bond that cannot be broken with these two awe-inspiring people.
For all things are from Him
I know sometimes that I rag on the whole being unemployed thing, because quite honestly, most of the time I don’t like it. BUT, I will say that there have been some great fruitful things that have come out of it. Mostly, I have found a new kind of dependence on God. I’ve frequently used the phrase “God provides” without really having a working understanding of what that even means. I moved home in late August without the slimmest idea of how long I’d be here or even how I would stay afloat. I can honestly say that these past 5 and a half months have looked nothing like I thought they would, and neither do the coming 6 months.
So I’ve decided to comprise a sort of list. A “What God has provided” list for me to take a moment and look back on. Shall we??
There of course is the obvious …. Time. Time to spend with my family in a horrible time of our lives. Time to spend with my goddaughter in what is proving to be one of the most difficult and forming years of her young life. Time to wrap my head around what it means to be a Seminary student. Time to just breathe and not have responsibilities.
Then there is a different kind of friendship. Most of my time here is spent with a very small group of people and almost all of them are married and with children of various ages. I don’t know what exactly that means about the stage of life I am. What I do know is that I am being shaped by my time with these women (and men). I am understanding more fully the work that goes into having a successful marriage and raising kids. I am being exposed to several types of parenting and the pros and cons of them. I am enjoying having these influences and knowing that each of these friends love me for who I am and the place I am in right now. They are great.
Also in the friendship category is what I’m going to call new friendship skills. This one needs to be split into two…
I’m learning in this time, how to be a better long distance friend. Now I’m not cured, I still have a hard time and sometimes let long distance get the best of me. But I find myself valuing the smallest forms of communication like texting or facebook chatting to the longer ones like skype or phone calls. (time wise). I am learning to make the effort to be in better communication and to have a better relationship with people farther away.
Second half – I am learning to be more real and less assuming with my friends here. I am allowing myself to have emotions and feel them and share them with my friends. I have long assumed that I am a “burden” on my friends when I’m hurting. That if I share what I’m really thinking that they’ll be like, ‘I’m out.’ I shared this with one of my friends this weekend and she was less than thrilled to hear that I’ve felt that way and clearly told me that she never expressed that toward me. It was good to hear, even though deep down I knew it. I am attempting at being more present with my friends despite my mood and realizing that even when I think I want to be alone, sometimes I’d rather be with them.
Next up is financially. I am still amazed at how God has continually provided for me exactly when I needed it. Whether that be a house-sitting job, a babysitting job or helping my mom with her business or even a change in insurance to save me money. He has kept me afloat financially and that is more than I can imagine. He is a Great God indeed.
Lastly, He has provided me with opportunities. Opportunities to do ministry with a wonderful group of 5th and 6th graders. Opportunities to talk ministry (which I sorely miss). Opportunities to serve others, and to be served. Opportunities to grow in my own faith. This time has not been fruitless and has not made me feel worthless (as a whole) because of the things that He provides in this category. Some of which I have talked about on here and will continue to talk about.
Mostly I just want to be thankful with this post. Thankful for all He has provided for me and the chances I get to look back and say, Wow God, look what you did. I don’t think in our culture we look at the little things He gives us every day enough.