Author: amvela

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laying down what's not mine

I’ve always wanted a tattoo – a reminder that will be there with me forever of who I am and who I was created to be.  The problem is – I’m constantly discovering a new facet of what that means in my life.  I find a new word, phrase or image that I want to be my guiding force and it causes me to question if I really want to permanently put any of them on my body.   So I tend to use jewelry for my reminders instead.  I love to find wearable symbols that remind me of who I am and where I’m going in this season of life.  Words, phrases or images that help to ground me and declare who (and whose) I am.
I recently heard someone speak about the significance of wearing your own armor.  She referenced the story of David and Goliath, when David initially goes out to go toe to toe with Goliath they want him to put on Saul’s armor.  But when he puts it on it’s too big and it inhibits his movements.  So he takes it off and goes to face Goliath without it.
The woman sharing this image with us was encouraging us to put on our own armor, not the armor of someone else.  It hit me deep.
So much of the world around me tells me who to be.  From the superficial things: how to dress, how to put on make up, how to do my hair; to the deeper things: how to carry myself, how to be a leader/pastor/writer.  I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to figure out what my niche is – where it is I feel most alive.  But part of the problem is that I’ve let others tell me who to be and what to place value on.
It has resulted in me putting on someone else’s armor.  Sometimes because their armor was shinier than my own.  Sometimes because they told me their armor was thicker and more protective than mine.  Sometimes because I didn’t realize it wasn’t mine to put on.  Sometimes because they were someone I wanted to emulate and therefore I put their armor on to be like them.
But the problem with putting someone else’s armor on is that it doesn’t protect you the way it should.  It doesn’t amplify the places where you are strong and protect the places you are weak.  It isn’t meant for you.
If I believe that God created us each uniquely, which I do, then I also believe that God equips us each for a unique calling on our lives.  The calling serves the same purpose for each of us – joining in the mission of God – but it’s lived out by each of us differently, based on who He created us to be.
So of course our armors are all different.  As I journey through discovering my own armor, I’m learning what it means to pick my way through my own calling and journey.  I’m learning what my armor is, what my battles are, where my path is leading.
These days there are two pieces of my armor that I put on myself each day.  One is a bracelet that says “FEARLESS” which was a bridesmaid gift from my dear Lo.  The other is a bracelet with a feather on it.  The company who made this bracelet says that a feather is the bearer of truth and justice.  As I walk forward into this next season of ministry and leadership, I am choosing to put on these two things – truth and fearlessness.
What armor do you need to put down today? And what armor are you picking up?

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Nothing else will do 

We gathered around the kitchen island.  Friends gathered from near and far to celebrate the love of a couple.
It was the calm before the rowdiness. The quiet moments of catching up and getting to know each other.  My mug felt warm in my hands and I inhaled the comforting scent of caramel. As I looked around the room it became clear that the amount of love and care that I feel for my dear friend was mirrored across the faces of all these women. Women who have walked alongside of her for months, years, decades now join together to stand beside her on this beautiful occasion.
By the end of the night I can see why each of these women are in her life. They all share her wit and kind heart. They deeply love Christ and strive to make him known. They have all endured seasons alongside of her in joy and in hardship.
It was a picture of pure friendship, mutual adoration and unconditional love. It’s the dream – the true gifts of friendship on display.  Strong, passionate, loving women surrounding our friend as she says “I do” to a lifetime with her love.

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if it's not too late for coffee…

Over the years I’ve had a lot of musician friends.  As with any type of artistry, when a musician is sharing their passion with you, it’s a beautiful glimpse into their heart.  Tiny moments where they come alive through their music or as they talk about music.
But I’ve never had a friend who is classically trained or plays a classical instrument, like professionally.  One of my youth leaders plays and teaches people how to play the double bass.  She is also a recent transplant to Minnesota so we’ve become exploring friends.  On our adventures we often circle back to music and she explains to me how she feels when she plays music.  She often tells me about playing more contemporary and abstract pieces and hearing her talk about them is so fascinating.
Last night I got the distinct privilege of hearing her play live.  It was enthralling.  And afterwards, as we sat around drinking coffee and eating delicious home-baked goodies, she told us about how it feels to play for people.
She said that she loves getting to share the music with others because so much of her musician life is spent alone.  She plays in her apartment or in a small practice room.  But sharing it live in front of people is what makes her a musician – otherwise it would be a hobby.
She has been given this incredible gift, she’s worked hard to hone it over years of practice and development but it’s a gift from God.  Hearing her talk about what it feels like to share it reminds me that God has given us all gifts.  And when we don’t share those gifts, we’re robbing the world of displays of God’s greatness.  He gives us these great gifts and sometimes we only use them as hobbies.
How can we show off the great Creator through our giftedness in our lives?
*blog title from Copeland’s Coffee

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consoled a cup of coffee…

…but it didn’t wanna talk*
We brewed a pot of coffee at work today because we were in need of a little afternoon pick me up before staff meeting.  I slid open the drawer that’s filled with coffee mugs and searched for the right mug to fit my mood.  Or to be more honest – the biggest mug in the drawer.
I found a mug that was covered in hearts.  My mind flashed back to an earlier conversation where my colleague told me that coffee was like a mug full of love.  So I pulled out the mug covered in hearts, filled it with coffee and walked over to staff meeting.
As we sat in staff meeting I wrapped my hands around the mug and breathed the scent of coffee in deeply.  I thought about Las Vegas.  I thought about all the things happening around our country and world that seem senseless.  Violence, Racism, Sexism, Poverty, Prejudice, Natural disasters, Classism, broken systems that hold people back from becoming all that God intends for them.  The world can seem so broken and it feels like there is no way to repair the damage that’s been done.
Then I looked around the table at my colleagues.  These amazing men and women who I get to walk alongside and do ministry with.  I listen as we talk through ministry and life.  I hear their heartbeats for the congregation we serve.  I hear their support of one another and I see them clinging to the Father when all else fails.  I see them each as a reflection of Christ and I remember that there is hope.
Hope for repair that can only be found in Christ.  That can only be found when we peel back the layers of defenses we’ve put up to shelter ourselves from the pain.  Only when we’ve found the courage to lament the brokenness that surrounds us can we see through to the hope offered by the King of Kings.

*Jewel – You Were Meant for Me 
 

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about this old coffee shop

When I moved to Chicago, a friend of mine sent me a link to the 10 best coffee shops in Chicago.  I made a goal to go to all 10 and blog about each of them.  I think I made it through 2.  In the long run I actually went to 4 of them (I think) but only wrote about 2.
The truth was I was looking for my local coffee shop.  A place to frequent, to learn about the owners and baristas, to sit and do work or dream or meet people.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my Starbucks and as a new Minnesotan, I’m learning to love Caribou.  But what I’m always on the look out for is a great local place to spend my dollars.  Local coffee shops are always filled with the most creative types.  From the owners to the baristas to the patrons – you’re likely to stumble upon some amazing stories.  They are a passionate people dedicated to the craft of coffee.  Each one unique in their own way and living their passion out in different ways.
Last week I went to a new coffee shop.  It was a recommendation from someone at church who is proving himself to be more into coffee than I am which also means he can be trusted.  In one of our first conversations he causally mentioned that a certain place had a good cortado.  At that point I knew he was a kindred spirit.
The moment I walked into this place I felt at home.  It was a gloomy day outside and the interior was dark and homey.  Lots of wood, natural light and the perfect music – the type of playlist you find on Spotify that is labeled “Coffee shop vibes.”
I ordered a latte and a scone to stay.  Mounted a stool at the bar within view of the roaster.  Opened up my laptop and started my work flow.  Within an hour I had the outline for my Confirmation lesson and the beginnings of the talks for youth group.  I wrote a few e-mails and then finished up my youth group prep.  At some point I got a cup of drip coffee to taste out their roast.  It was amazing.
People swirled around me, conversations buzzed sometimes interrupted by a swell of laughter.  Community was happening.  I would glance around from time to time watching the people around me.  Wondering about this person’s occupation or that person’s stickers on their laptops – what is that sticker that I see everywhere around here?
After a few hours I left that coffee shop feeling more like myself.  The thing about moving to a new place is that sometimes you feel like you don’t know which parts of yourself to reveal at what point.  Just as much as you’re trying to figure out a new community, they are trying to figure you out.  You’re constantly self editing as you explain yourself to people.  Jokes you’ve always made about yourself  or the world suddenly need explaining.
But sitting there in that coffee shop, surrounded by no one who knew me, I found myself falling into place.  I was doing the things I love most – crafting messages to communicate Jesus’ love to my students and drinking really good coffee.  My physical cup was empty when I dropped it in the tray, but my emotional cup was overflowing.
*title from Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg
 

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put the map on the table

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Big things have been going on in my real world this summer.  Life has been moving very quickly and I’ve been trying to keep up.
One byproduct of this speed is that I haven’t written anything since May.
I don’t even mean publicly, I mean that no words have flowed from these fingers in four months.  It’s the longest I’ve gone without any words to share or record in some way.
In those four months I interviewed for, got offered and accepted a new call.  I packed everything I owned in a small truck and moved six hours northwest.  To the land of all the lakes (like a lot of lakes).
In those four months I’ve been praying, making preparations, saying goodbye to my first real home away from home, moving to a new state, a new church, a new community.  I’ve been learning names and creating rhythms.
To say these four months have been difficult would be shortchanging them.  But throughout these four months I have seen and heard God in some of the clearest ways I ever have.  He called me to this place and I’m starting to see why.  I can feel my heart falling into place here.
Every few days I look around and think “Is this really a place I get to live?”  The beauty of God’s creation is all around me at all times.  It reminds me of my first job in ministry when my friend Mark and I used to look at each other and say “I can’t believe I get to live this life.”
Last night I was on the couch, unwinding after a particularly intense week.  My phone went off and the message was simple, “I’m taking the kayaks out if you want to go with.” I literally jumped off the couch.  There was no question in my mind that a sunset kayak trip with this new friend and colleague was exactly what I wanted to do.  Sorry Dance Moms, you’ll have to wait.
And as we paddled across the lake talking about life, ministry, family and all things in between I took a deep breath in and thought, “I can’t believe I get to live this life.”

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To you I'll sing my lullabies

To my Mom friends:

As a single woman there are times when I feel the long for a reality that is not yet true for me.  When I feel that tension in my life I thank God for my friends with kids who have welcomed me into their lives.  They’ve let me into their kids lives and allowed me to become “Auntie/Miss Alicia.”  They let me play with their kids, join in family meal times and celebrations.  I have watched my friends mother so well and so perfectly for their children.  I watch as they grow alongside their children, learning what each new phase and stage needs from them.  As they struggle through tantrums, sleepless nights, meals where they won’t eat anything, meals where they eat everything, we’ve been shopping together, playing together, walking together – I have been allowed in.  I get to fill up that part of my heart with these little ones that are so dear to me.  I’ve never been treated like I don’t belong, like I don’t know what I’m talking about because I don’t have kids.  I’ve never felt like there was anything wrong with me when I’m with these dear friends.  So to you all – Happy Mother’s Day!  You are each an amazing example of what God meant for a mom to be, each in your own amazing way.

To my church Moms:

When you’re a young member of the church staff, you learn quickly that there are women in the church who will immediately adopt you into their hearts.  Whether it be because I’ve lived in their houses for a season or they simply have taken a special interest in me because they love me, I have learned from these women.  Women who are the strong backbone of the church, who are the first to care for you or offer an encouraging word right when you need it.   Wise women who have walked through the good and the bad and lived through it to help others along the way.  These women are so dear to my heart because they show me the love and care that I need when my own mother is 1,000 miles away.  They never look to replace my mom but they care for me as if I was one of their own.  Happy Mother’s Day to each of you – for loving and caring for those in the church that need it.

To the Fab Moms:

There is this group of moms in my youth ministry that have never failed to astonish me. They all have freshman girls who have known each other since preschool.  I recently went to dinner with them and was once again amazed at how well they love one another and each of these girls.  They are pillars of strength – each of them in their own way – who have created a community for these four girls.  They share in the highlights and struggles of raising girls, they pray for one another, celebrate one another and share the burden when needed.  They are the types of mothers and friends that I strive to be someday.  I cannot count the ways this group has blessed me, simply by allowing me into their lives and the lives of their girls.  So to you Fab Moms – Happy Mother’s Day.  You are all beautiful examples of what it means to be in community together and I would be lost without you.

To the Moms in my Ministry:

I know that parents are very careful about who they let into their kids lives.  You want to make sure that the people speaking into your kids lives are full of integrity and careful with your kids.  I have always taken this responsibility with the knowledge of this weight.  All that to be said, it’s an honor and a joy to serve the kids and youth that I get to serve.  To be another adult in their lives showing them love and care is an amazing opportunity.  I am a huge fan of the moms of my kids and youth.  These kids are the best and they are total reflections of their amazing moms.  I see all the hard work that it takes to get your kids to church on a Sunday morning.  I see the way that you love them even when they roll their eyes at you.  I see your rules and restrictions as care for what they put into their lives.  I see the hugs and strong words of acceptance and love that you speak over them.  I see the way your hearts break when their hearts break.  I see how hard you work to give them everything they have.  I know the journey of motherhood can be hard and rewarding.  I see you all and I want to say this – Happy Mother’s Day!  You are in the trenches and I am so happy to walk alongside of you and your families.

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thank you for the wilderness

thank you for the wilderness
where I learnt to thirst for your presence
if I’d never known that place
how could I have known you better
thank you for the lonely times
when I learned to live in the silence
as the other voices fade
I can hear you calling me Jesus
I’m an extravert.  I’ve always known it – I love people.  I am a talker.  I excel in places that are bustling.  It’s partially why I get more work done in coffee shops than alone in my apartment.
But I’m also shy.  If you’re reading this and you’ve spent time with me in person you are probably surprised by that statement.  But I am. I haven’t always been shy.  I used to be very outgoing.  But somewhere along the way I lost that trait.  I’m sure it had something to do with fitting it.  I realized somewhere around middle school that I was not like everyone else at school.  I didn’t exactly fit in.  So when I am placed into a situation where I am surrounded by peers, I shrink into myself.  I default to the people around me that have bigger personalities.
Again – if you’re reading this and you really know me, you’re surprised.  I have a larger than life personality when I’m comfortable.  When I feel loved and valued, I am a little over the top.  I’m a little much – and it’s great.
But the problem is, I’ve been told that I’m a little much – and that’s a bad thing.  I’ve been told I’m intimidating.  I’ve been told that my confidence is off putting.  I’ve been told that I feel like I’m entitled to something.  These critiques of my personality have created a negative thought pattern in head.  When I feel resistance, I tell myself these lies – over and over again.
In my last post I wrote about finding a way to claim the freedom that was freely given to me.  I realized after I wrote it how much of my life has been spent being less free than I could have been.  Because I’ve bought into these lies.  I’ve given into my life circumstances rather than giving into the one who created me.
As Lent was starting, I put myself into the wilderness.  I followed Jesus’s example and purposely turned down the volume on some voices and turned up the volume on God’s voice.  I purposely placed myself into situations that were lonely in order to find fulfillment in Jesus.
In doing this I realized something about myself.  I’ve learned to drown out the lonely with people, tv, music and other things.  I’ve learned to numb the pain of feeling alone through these other things.  When those negative thought patterns arise, I don’t fight them with the truth, I simply drown them out with other things.
But doing that doesn’t make them go away.  It simply quiets them for now.  But they will always come back.
But they don’t have to rule my life.  They don’t have to be the loudest voice because the Truth is – I’ve been healed by the Healer, made new by the Creator, stronger because of the places where I was weak and needed him.
God gave his Son so that I could be free.  Jesus sacrificed his life for my freedom.  And as I’ve been in the wilderness this Lenten season – as I’ve leaned into the truth and given control back to God, I am thankful.
Thankful for the loneliness because it shows me I’m created for community.
Thankful for my Too Much-ness because is shows me I’m alive and unique.
Thankful for my messy story because it gave me the moxie I need to live this crazy life.

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Honey, you are free…

… as much as you can stand to be

Today’s post title comes from a song by Jimmy Eat World.  I’ve always had a special place in my heart for this band – they were the soundtrack to my high school years.  Every once in a while when they drop a new track I download it and their sound takes me back to a time in my life that seemed easier.  This song is called “You are Free” and it’s no exception.  It’s undeniably a Jimmy Eat World song, but it’s also been a little bit of a soundtrack to my 2017 Lenten season.
I’ve written a little bit on the things I’ve added into my life throughout Lent but here’s the semi-comprehensive list:

> Life Lived Beautifully’s Breathe Bible Study on the Psalms <
> Reading Jennie Allen’s Nothing to Prove <
> Reading through 1 Corinthians alongside the Goddaughter <
> Journaling (almost) everyday <
> Intentional involvement in the Lead Stories Community (and Podcast) <

Throughout this time I’ve started to see some patterns come out.  Some threads throughout all of these different practices.  God has been tying in everything around me, He’s shown up in some pretty amazing ways and the overall message that I’m hearing him tell me over and over is this:
You can be free – as much as you can stand to be.
God’s been pouring into me and reminding me that He’s already set me free.  It’s not Him who limits my freedom – it’s me.
He sent Jesus to earth for me.  Jesus died for me.  Jesus was resurrected so that I could have freedom.  Not limited freedom – complete freedom.
So the things that I have put in the way of my freedom, the lies that have been told to me that limit my freedom, and all the excuses I’ve made as to why I can’t be free.  Those are nothing for the power of the Holy Spirit.
This Lenten season has drawn me closer to the throne.  I’ve sat at the foot of the cross and dug into why and how I’ve limited my own freedom.
Saying those words to myself: You can be free – as much as you can stand to be.  Reminds me that I have to do the work to clear out the junk.  To take the time and space to claim the freedom that was so graciously and mercifully gifted to me.
So as we step into Holy Week, how can we live our freedom out?  How can we lay down the lies that the enemy has put into our heads and pick up the freedom of the cross?
Let’s remember that the story we tell and the traditions we participate in this week shine light on the one who set us free.
You are free – as much as you can stand to be.

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so I wait around for an answer to appear

I read this book by Annie F. Downs called Looking for Lovely and there was a chapter where she talked about her dating life.  How she had a perspective shift within herself – she went from waiting on God to watching for God to do his thing in respect to her dating life.  It seems like such a subtle shift, but when you think about the difference between waiting and watching, it’s actually very different.  When we are waiting for something, we are passive.  Maybe even unsure that thing will happen at all.  But watching for something has a level of expectancy, knowing that it will happen and watching for it to unfold.
I think this shift needs to take place in the way we interact with God in our everyday lives.
My last post was a month ago, pre-Lent.  I had every intention of being intentional with my Lenten practices and sharing them on here.  Writing what I’d been hearing from and experiencing with God.  But as I got into it, I found myself resisting the need to share.  Need probably isn’t the right word even.  I didn’t feel a need to share publicly, instead I felt the need to be in community with my practices.  My in real life people tribe.
God has showed up in some really tangible ways in the last 28 days.  He’s led me down a few pathways that I didn’t see myself going down.  He’s connected threads that seemed to be going in different directions or standing on their own.
My goal for Lent was to turn the volume down on the various voices in my world and turn the volume up on God.  Of course what that actually means is spending more time intentionally listening to his voice.  I was listening to a podcast about discerning God’s voice today and the speaker said “God is always speaking.”
I believe this in my head.  I believe that God is all around us, the Spirit is flowing through people and the pages of the Bible to make connections for us.  I believe He is in constant motion around me.  So then why is it that so often it feels like he is silent?
I have found myself waiting on God.  As I wait I do my thing –  I go about my life, do my tasks, hang out with my friends, make my plans.  It’s worked for me before.  God has intervened, spoken big things into my life, but it usually takes me a few tries to hear it.
But in this season of Lent I’ve tried watching for God.  I’ve been more intentional to pay attention – to read, journal, talk about God with people.  I’ve found that when I go looking for him, I find him.  I hear his voice more clearly.  I see his hand on my life, on the lives of those around me more tangibly.
There will be more on this to come, more thoughts as I process through these things that He’s revealing to me.  But for now I’m taking this simple thing – shifting from waiting on to watching for – and I’m going to run with it for a while.  See where He takes me.