While we were on staff retreat last week we did two different times of quiet time with God to ask two questions – what’s setting in your life and what’s rising?
The first question I had almost an immediate answer to, it came so quickly I almost doubted it was from God. But I knew it was because it has been stirring in my soul ever since I went to the Belong Tour. Listening to those women for those two days, I felt a clear message to my heart – it’s time to let go.
It’s time to let go of your insecurity.
It’s time to let go of your old ways.
It’s time to let go of the moving around.
Those days I was feeling this stirring in me. I think it was uneasiness. Since June of 2007 I have changed states 5 times. In those years I have lived in twice as many houses. I never stayed anywhere for more than 18 months. Everything I took with me fit into my Camry.
I’ve now been in my apartment for over 2 years. If I were to move again I would need movers. I started to feel this itch in me, time to go somewhere else.
But the thing that I was struggling with was that I loved my life. I love my church. I love the people I get to do ministry with. I wasn’t feeling a stirring to leave my church. I was just craving change. I think I had become drawn to the constant change. The uncertainty that my future always held. I’d always had an end date, in internships, in places I’ve lived. There was always a goal I was working towards and once I hit that goal it was time to move on.
So naturally I started looking at moving. I had gotten into my head that what I needed was a change of scenery – a new apartment, maybe a townhouse. I need deeper roots here in this place I’m in. If I’m here for the long haul so of course what’s next is a different place to live – moving is what I do.
But standing on the shores of Lake Michigan, I realized the thing I needed to change wasn’t my physical surroundings. It was much deeper than that. It was time to finally realize that God was at work in me, stirring up something. But before that something could come to fruition, something needed to die. My old ways. My old insecurity. My need for the approval of others. The sun was setting on the older version of myself.
The second time we took on the shores of Lake Michigan, we were listening for what was rising. What new thing is God doing in your life that you need to lean into.
I stared out at the waves breaking, I breathed deeply the crisp fall air. But I heard nothing. I don’t know what’s rising in me, what the new thing is God’s trying to do in me.
So I guess I’ll do what my favorite seminary professor would tell me to do – Be faithful. I’ll just keep walking and see what he brings for me.
Unstoppable God let your glory go on and on
I’m currently sitting in the car driving back from a staff retreat in Michigan. It’s been an amazing couple of days as we’ve celebrated, processed and enjoyed the company of each other.
We started off this retreat with a spiritual practice on the shores of Lake Michigan, listening to God and reflecting on what is setting in our lives. Like the sun sets, what in our lives is it time to let go of in order for new things to rise.
I realized that for most of my adult Christian life, this Lake has been where I see God. Where he has revealed himself to me in so many ways. And how many times I almost missed what he had for me. So as I join in on this week’s link up at Mrs. Discple, I’m continuing to process this. So here we go –
#FridayFive: Blessings I almost missed out on
Solitude
When I first moved to MI in 2007, I barely knew anyone. It was my first experience away from my family. I was also in the midst of a particularly challenging season where it felt like I was constantly running away. One day I went to the beach of Lake Michigan with my head phones and iPod, ready to spend time with God through my music. Only I got to the beach and my iPod was dead. I remember being so mad. How am I supposed to hear from God without my music?? But I sat down in the sand anyway. I had never been still before God. Silent before God.
In those moments I felt God in a new and powerful way. It started me down a path of healing. I’ve always struggled with being alone- I’m an extrovert. But I’ve come to a point now where I can be alone and not feel lonely. There are so many times in my life I wish I could go back to and tell younger me to be okay by herself.
Paying my dues
When I’m in a healthy place I understand my own limitations. There was a time in my early ministry days when I was offered a job I was not ready for. I turned it down because of it. But there was another time of my life that I wasn’t offered a job I thought I was ready for. Instead I was offered an opportunity to be mentored and grow. I was really disappointed. But I took the opportunity given to me and now I know that God still had things to do with me.
The year that followed that hard decision was an unbelievable blessing. My ministry has benefited from that year of refining and growing. But I almost missed it because I thought I was ready before my time.
Influence of deep friendships
I am a 2 on the Enneagram – I’m called the loving one. The way I function in relationship is to always be looking to care for people. Sometimes that opens me up to being used and taken advantage of, I put others needs before my own. I went through a season of life where I was constantly giving of myself but not getting much back. It closed me off to having meaningful relationships. I always felt that no one could give me what I needed and I was constantly giving others whatever they needed.
I had a friend come into my life that was also a 2. Frequent readers know her as my Roomsmate. She entered my life in a time when I needed someone to care for me. To ask me how I was doing. Through her love and friendship I was able to open up more. Process why I felt the way I felt because she felt it too. I wasn’t alone.
Through that blessing of a relationship, I was able to quantify what I needed in friendship. So now, I can see relationships for what they are and choose my investment level. I understand more now what I need in my closest friends in order to feel filled.
Camp
I might just be writing this one because I’m the last month I’ve been to three of our denomination’s camps. But let’s just talk about camp.
I did not grow up going to camp. I went camping a ton and I went to sleep away Girl Scout camp. But I did not do camp the way that most of my colleagues did camp. To be really honest, I never understood the appeal. I didn’t get why people talked about it all the time. It seemed a bit like a cult classic movie I’d never seen.
But then I discovered camp. As an adult I’ve fallen in love with camp. Mostly because the three camps near us are really spectacular but also because I’m starting to see it through their eyes. The beauty of life at camp is something that tugs on my heart. I love my job and I love getting to do ministry in this church so don’t worry friends- I’m not leaving. But I’ll be glad to drive up to camp any day.
Trying new things
I can be a bit of an nay sayer. I’m sure we can talk about my psychological development and get to the root of it. But simply put, I’m not super into trying new things. I’m set in my ways, just a bit. But recently I’ve found myself trying to do more out of my comfort zone. Challenging myself to shake off my insecurities and just live my life. Suddenly I’m thinking, what have I been doing all these years?
When we let our insecurities stop us from living, we are being robbed of a blessing. We may hate the new things, but what if those new things let us understand God or others in a new way.
More on this to come because I’m still processing. But I’ve almost missed out on a lot of blessings and moving forward I want to keep my eyes open for more of God and less of the lies that hold me still.
you're the reason I'm still up at dawn
I’m in both a career and a life stage where I am surrounded by moms. I serve as a Pastor to Youth, Kids and their families. And all my friends are having babies… okay not all my friends, but a lot of them. So while I don’t have kids of my own, I recognize the struggles that come along with being a mama to little ones. I see them in the eyes of my friends, of the women I do ministry with, of random women I see at the grocery store and at Target.
So today’s prompt for the #FridayFive over at Mrs. Disciple hits me right in the heart. My version of this prompt will be things I want all my young mom friends to know. Five things from me to you, things I want to know in your heart of hearts. Think of it as a little love letter from me to you.
#FridayFive: Five statements to my Mama to Littles friends
I see you.
I know it’s easy to get lost in the fray of small children. I’ve seen it time and time again when we’re out. People address your kids more than you. OR WORSE – they critique your parenting choices from a 10 second observation in the aisle of a store. You are a beautiful mama and yes your kids are SUPER cute and that’s why people coo over them, but you are amazing too. You are their mama – those cuties are your cuties. So I want you to know that I see you – doing your best, keeping your kids fed, clean and happy. I see all the hard work that goes into it, even when it feels like no one sees you.
Your child’s crying doesn’t bother me
I don’t know when it became socially unacceptable for kids to cry. They have very little control over their little bodies and their big emotions. To mamas I don’t know in the stores – I wish you didn’t need to feel the need to apologize for your child’s crying. You can’t control it and chances are that they can’t either. I know you’re doing all that you can, sometimes kids cry and it’s okay. You just do you and I promise I’m not judging.
I’m sorry when I say stupid things
I know they’re going to come out. No matter my experience with kids or my own nieces, chances are I’m going to say something that I don’t mean. It may come out as judgmental or like I’m telling you what to do. Or I may accidentally be braggy about sleeping in until 9 a.m. on a Saturday. I don’t have kids – I don’t fully understand. I know that, you know that – but I’m human and I’m going to slip up sometimes. I’m also sorry for all the times other people have said mean things or given you advice that makes you feel like a bad mom. You’re not a bad mom. They don’t have your kids or your situation. You need to do what’s right for your family, so you do you. Always remember Amy Poehler says we’re allowed to say, “Good for you, not for me.”
I’m so proud of you
I seriously have some of the greatest mama friends. I see them fighting for, loving, protecting, playing with, comforting their kids every day. They’ve each seen struggles in their journeys and they have triumphed in amazing ways. They get up every morning and do what needs to be done for their kids. I’ll never get over how cool it is that they get to be moms to some of the most amazing kiddos I know. How great they each were created to be exactly what those kids need. God has shown up in amazing ways in their lives and I’m so proud that I get to call them my friends.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your kids lives.
I don’t say this enough – but thank you. Your kids are a delight to know. I know it is an honor to be able to be a part of their lives. To be an extra Auntie, to be their Pastor, to be a Miss Alicia, to be a presence in their lives. You’ve trusted me with one (or more) of your most precious possessions and I am honored. I love knowing your kids. That first time they say my name, the first time they choose to come to me to tell me about their day, those days they ask if I can come to lunch with you, the sadness when they finally learn to say all the letters in my name – I treasure it all. I will never get sick of hearing their stories, of reading the same books over and over again, of pushing them on a swing, of retelling them all my bee stories.
To all my mama friends – I love you all. You’re doing great and I’m on your side.
I'll give credit where I think credits due
As you can tell, I’m trying to get back into the rhythm of writing more, so I’m rejoining the link up over at Mrsdisciple.com. Today’s prompt for the Friday Five is Men I admire. I should have started last week – her prompt was women I admire, but since I’m constantly talking about those women out there that I follow, we’ll start here.
I’ve decided to take some liberty with this week’s prompts – I’m choosing characteristics of men I admire. This is not to say that the list I include within each category only fit into that category, but they are the people who I think really encompass these traits that I admire. These will be both people I know in real life (whose last names I’ll leave out for privacy purposes) and those who I follow online. So without further ado:
Friday Five: Five (Types of) Men I Admire:
World Changers
I admire men in this world who are trying to leave their spheres of influence better than how they found them. They know that they have influence and power and they use it to challenge the way we see the world. I admire this because I aim to do this as well and I’ve learned from all of these men in one way or another. Included in this category: my dear friend Dominique who challenges me daily to be better. Propaganda. Cameron Strang.
Artists (mostly Music)
I’ve always had an admiration for people who are creative. I love artists who can take their craft and create something worth listening to, looking at, watching … I admire people who use honesty and vulnerability to create something beautiful. Of course this includes Ben Rector, Matt Wertz, Lin Manuel Miranda, the men of The Fray.
Good Fathers/Husbands
This category I can only fill with people I do know. I think it’s hard to look at people you don’t know and say that they are really good at this, but I also think it’s been so important for me to see what this looks like. As someone who grew up with a complicated relationship with her own father, I really value the people in my life who have retaught me what it looks like to have a healthy marriage and a positive relationship with their kids. This list is long, which is only to say that I have been blessed to be surrounded by some of the best men (and women) there are out there. This includes both Papa Curt and Kurt, both Tims, Fredrik, Chris, Lee, Mark, Nate, Gary, both Adams, Tyler… the list could go on and on and on…
Pastors
I obviously learn a lot from other pastors who have taught me what it means to be in this role. It’s one of those types of positions where everyone who holds it is the same but at the same time so vastly different. I have learned a lot from past mentors, colleagues and others who have poured into me. This includes Curt, Tim, Nate, Mark, Russ, Bill, Josh, Nate, Paul, other Tim, Eric and countless others.
Authors/Teachers
Lastly, those who I aspire to be like in my writing and teaching. Men who have taken topics and given them life through words and deed. This includes Brandon Hatmaker, Donald Miller, Nathan Albert, Klyne Snodgrass, Soong-Chan Rah, James Bruckner. Some of those men I now personally but I want you to read there stuff or take their classes, so I’m including their full names.
We're never getting older
This last week I traveled back to my hometown to go to the Belong Tour with the Goddaughter. It was part of a trip to renew myself – spiritually and physically. My hope was to take time to vision cast. For myself, for ministry and to spend time pouring into myself.
There’s this lake near my house that I used to walk around whenever I needed some perspective. It’s right outside my neighborhood and throughout high school and college it was a sacred place for me. It has this hill on the backside of the lake that when you got to the top you could look out over the neighborhood and see the mountains in the background. It was my favorite view.
This last trip home I realized the view changed. I hadn’t walked the lake in several years. So many trips home have been too busy to even get a walk or run in, but this trip I took to the trail to get a glimpse of that view. But when I rounded the corner, up the hill, I looked out and realized I couldn’t see the mountains anymore. The trees of the neighborhood have grown over the last 10 years and all you see are the tops of the trees.
The pictures above are my best efforts to capture this change. On the left is a picture from March of 2006. I was a junior in college – life in complete disarray – or so I thought. I clearly remember the walk I took, desperate to see something bigger than myself. I almost wish I could go back to that 20 year old version of myself and tell her what’s to come. To take a deep breath and brace yourself because it’s gonna get a whole lot worse before it gets better.
In 2006 I was in the throws of my first heartbreak. I was on staff at my home church for the first time, working out what it meant to be called to youth ministry. I was mentoring a group of girls for the first time. I was coming to terms with the concept of a broken family. I spent my days doing homework at a random little coffee shop in a theater because my friend worked there and sometimes gave me free upgrades on my order. I was just getting to know some friends who would become my closest allies in the darkest parts of my story.
The picture on the right was last week. Every time I go home I have that nostalgia for the life that I lived in CO. But this last trip really gave me some perspective. I ran into that boy who broke my heart and was genuinely happy for the man he’d become all these years later. In a moment of divine appointment, I ran into one of the girls who I was mentoring back then and met her son, watched her loving talk to her husband and tell me all about their life these days. That same friend who used to give me free coffee now owns his own coffee shop and I spent the day dreaming about life and ministry in that gorgeous space. Also attending the Belong Tour was my own youth pastor who gave me my first chance to do ministry.
In the 10 years of life between these two pictures, so much has changed. It’s not just trees that have grown, I have too. In those 10 years I have lived in 5 different states. I have worked at 4 churches doing internships and gaining experience. I was ordained and called to a church that I love to do a work I feel very passionate about. I’ve learned to become healthy in the midst of heartbreak and joy.
I’ve become someone who knows there is no truth to the feeling that we will never get older. Nor is there really any desire in my heart to not get older. These years have been a gift to me, a blessing that has been bestowed on me.
As we grow, we keep adding identities on top of one another. The girl I was 10 years ago that took that sunset picture in an attempt to be artsy is still in me, like a nesting doll with head phones blaring John Mayer. She’s been covered with new versions of me. And what I’m realizing more and more is that I like this most outer nesting doll. And I can’t wait to see what the next one looks like.
one day when the glory comes
A friend texted me the following quote this week:
“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” – Elie Wiesel
What follows is a post I’ve been mulling over for a few weeks. It’s still not fully thought through and it’s not profound in anyway. But it is an attempt at not being silent anymore, regardless of how unprepared I am to speak.
The first time I visited the National Civil Rights Museum was in March 2010. I clearly remember a moment where I found myself standing in a replica of a jail cell listening to the reading of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s Letter from Birmingham Jail. I stood in that jail cell and tears streamed down my face as I listened to this letter.
In this letter, Dr. King is responding to white area clergy who had written a statement calling his actions and the civil rights movement “unwise and untimely.” His response is humble but firm – that injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Back then I had just decided on moving to Chicago to pursue my masters. I was beginning the path toward where I am now – an ordained pastor serving in a church setting. Standing there and listening to his words ignited something in me – a passion to fight for justice, especially within the racial tensions in America.
As I was exiting seminary, someone asked me what I thought my role in racial righteousness ministry. Throughout seminary I had been challenged to see myself and the world around me differently. I had come face to face with ugly truths in my own life and in the world, especially when it came to racial righteousness. So this question to me gave me pause.
I’ve been trying to answer that question for the last six years. To see where I fit in on this long road towards justice for all. What’s my leg of the race? Where do I fit into it?
Along this journey of discovery for myself, I have found beauty in the discussions. I’ve entered in with my brothers and sisters in Christ as I’ve tried to understand the various perspectives in justice ministry. I’ve sat uncomfortably in the anger. I’ve cried the tears of brokenness and pain. I’ve rejoiced alongside my brothers and sisters who find triumph in their ministries in building bridges.
Last month I found myself in that same jail cell replica. I was en route to Jackson, MS with an intergenerational group from our church. We were going to serve alongside another Covenant church and on the way we were stopping to enter into this conversation about race in America.
I took the picture above on this second trip. I wanted to remember the first time I stood in that cell and at the same time I wanted to rejoice in how far I’ve come in my own understanding. But I also took this picture for another reason – to remind me that I’m still on the outside.
I’ve done some hard work in my life to understand racism in America. I have had to do some digging in my own life as a biracial woman. I’ve dealt with racism and sexism directed towards me. I understand being marginalized in some aspects. But I am still on the outside of this jail cell.
I still have white privilege. I will never fully understand what it feels like to be afraid of law enforcement, to do everything right and still be disrespected, beaten or killed.
Dr. King was constantly challenging white clergy to enter into the conversation. To mourn alongside those who mourn and to be heartbroken by the belittling and loss of life. To not stand idly by while our brothers and sisters are being devalued, killed and held back from the type of life they deserve.
When tragedy strikes us the way it has this week in Dallas, Baton Rouge and Minnesota or in recent weeks in Orlando and overseas – we must join together and lament. To fight darkness with light.
Yes – Hate is alive in our country. Fear is alive in our country. But so is Christ. Christ is alive and he is mourning the loss of life. He is weeping over the bodies of Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, and the five officers in Dallas.
I’m still working through what this looks like in my own life – how I am called to act. But I refuse to look away, to be silent when the darkness is so loud.
May we join together and engage in this conversation on how to redeem and mend the brokenness all around us.
time after time I hit rewind
Today I’m linking up with Mrs. Disciple for her #FridayFive because I simply cannot help myself. This week’s prompt is Smiles – and well, that makes me smile.
Pouring the cheese on with that one – but I simply do not care. Here are five things in the last few weeks that have made me genuinely smile.
#FridayFive: Things that make me smile
Small children saying my name
In general, when a kid learns how to say my name, it absolutely melts my heart. But there’s a specific subcategory of this one recently that is just killing it. Right after I became a pastor of my church a whole slew of families at our church announced they were expecting. As in five families, which in our church of 120 is a lot. When these kids entered our world they were my first hospital visits in this call. They were my first baptisms and dedications in this call. They all hold a very special place in my heart. These kids are now about 18 months and starting to talk. I have recently heard my first “Pastor Alicia” from one of them and I couldn’t help but smile. Okay – it was more like “P-tor Lesh-a” but I’m counting it. There’s a special relationship that blossoms from being a pastor to young kids and that moment when they reciprocate the relationship is nothing short of a holy moment.
Post surgery wake up
If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you have undoubtedly seen pictures of one of my students. She received a kidney transplant from her mom a couple of weeks ago. She’s had some non-kidney issues that have kept her in the hospital and last night she had another surgery to take care of business. I was lucky enough to be present during both surgeries. Last night’s surgery was a long one. We paced the halls and waited for the good news. After it finally came, it was a little bit of a wait until we got to see her. When I came into the recovery area, I spoke quietly to her. Made my way up to the side of the bed and as I touched her hand she opened her eyes and looked at me. I couldn’t help but smile. She gave me a brief smile and while she probably won’t remember that moment, I’ll treasure it. It’s one thing to get news that the surgery went well but it’s a completely other to get to see her, touch her hand and praise God that everything went well.
Technology
As someone who lives far away from a lot of people she loves, I’m a huge fan of technology. But this week what brought me a smile is my Roomsmate. Two years ago she moved back to California. I miss her more than words can say. She was my confidante, my partner in crime and the best roommate. But with technology we get to talk every day. Whether it be silly snapchats, texts, gmail chat, FaceTime or twitter, we are still living life together. This week she sent me an article to read that she had loved, it gave words to things I had been feeling for a long time. I’m amazed that even from more than a thousand miles away she is still challenging me and helping me to see God’s hand in my life. So maybe this one is less about Technology and more about her deep loving friendship.
Meghan Trainor
I’ve been a long time fan of Meghan Trainor. But she recently released a new song and it cemented my love for her for a few reasons. First of all, the song “Me Too” is all about loving yourself and your body. I’m all about promoting positive self-talk. Secondly, when her video released she saw that she had been heavily photoshopped in it. She called all the people in command and took the video off the internet. She approved and re-released the video unphotoshopped. She’s not the first celebrity to take a stand on photoshopping but this week, that made me smile. Lastly, in her recent performance on the Tonight show, she fell at then end, because her heels were CRAZY high. She made it through a whole dance break without falling, but turning around at the end was what made her fall. And she had the perfect reaction to it – she laid on the floor and laughed. Keep doing you, Meghan.
Graduation Announcements
It’s that time of year again! I’m loving seeing what my students come up with for their graduation announcements. But this year also marks a very special year of graduation. I’ll be traveling home next week for the graduation of my dear (adopted) little brother. His mom was my boss in my first internship. They moved to my home town when he was little. Very little. I once wrote about him in a blog saying that if he asked me to give him my car I’d give it to him – he was that cute as a kid. This year he graduates from high school. I cannot believe this is where we’re at. He and his family are like my second family, related by the blood of Christ. I got a huge grin opening his announcement and even now as I anticipate a trip home to celebrate him.
What’s made you smile this week?
she is messy but she's kind
The last two weeks of Lead Stories Podcast have been about empowering women. They shared a couple of interviews with women who are leading in some cool ways down in Florida and this week they shared five tips on how to empower women. For today’s #TuesdaysinLeadership I thought I’d share some stories of how I’ve been empowered by others.
One of the tips that Steph and Jo shared this week was to know the people you are empowering. Jo shared a story that instead of asking her to speak, someone once just put her in the program. This person knew that she would overthink the ask, so they went ahead and put her down. This person was a good friend and knew her well enough to know that would be okay.
I’ve <thankfully> never had that happen to me. But I’ve had people take a chance on me, give me the opportunity to do something a little out of my comfort zone that ends up being a great gift. Two years ago I was contacted by the director of one of our area camps, asking me to come be the pastor of the week that summer. It would include speaking 5 times and just generally being available to the staff and campers as a pastoral figure.
I was really nervous. I had never done something like this, even though I’ve always dreamed of it. I’d love to speak more than I do. I believe it’s a gift I’ve been given – to be able to communicate God’s Word in an accessible way. But at the time I was pretty fresh into my first full time pastoral role. It’s hard to break into the speaking game, especially as a young woman.
But this camp director took a chance on me. He has known me since I was in high school. He was on staff at my home church for a year and we ended up serving in the same conference. Even though he had never heard me speak, he was asking me to come be a part of what he was doing at camp.
It was an incredible week. It really helped me as a speaker not to mention it was really fun. The director continued to encourage me and has asked me back to speak twice.
Sometimes as women we have the tendency to second guess ourselves. We wonder if we really are good at specific aspects of our jobs. Opportunities arise to us and we consider turning them down because we are not sure we are qualified. This is why it’s so important to have people in our lives that speak truth – truth from God – into our lives.
I’m so thankful that there have been a series of people who have taken a chance on me. Who have given me opportunities I wouldn’t have had otherwise to help grow in my skills as a leader. This is not limited to speaking opportunities, I’ve been given opportunities to be a behind the scenes person at events or to help speak into parts of retreats.
I’m still learning how to do this well for others now. I want to be able to take my own influence and empower women as well. It’ll come with time I am sure. But I think God for the people who have walked before me, blazing the path for women in leadership and then have turned around to help me along the path.
Who’s empowered you lately? And who could you in turn empower in your life?
what if I don't wanna be like you?
It’s time for another installment of Tuesdays in Leadership. (New working title)
I mentioned our Confirmation Sunday in my last post. We had 11 students be confirmed, which is a record for our church. Each of the 11 stood before our congregation and shared stories of their faith journey. They did so in a language all their own – some through video, dance, pictures, drawings, words. It was a beautiful expression of God’s beauty in creation. Each of these students was created by God, called by God and are answering that call in their own unique ways.
Last week’s episode of Lead Stories Podcast was on finding your voice in leadership. Jo and Steph talked through resources to help leaders find and use their voices. So I thought I’d write a little about what it looked like to find my voice as a leader.
I’ve written before about how I feel like I’m a bit of an outsider. I’ve had a hard time finding a place where I feel completely comfortable – completely able to be myself. I can name some of that as coming from my family of origin, some of it comes from being biracial, some of it comes from moving around a lot and honestly, some of it comes from being a pastor.
This made finding my voice as a leader difficult. I struggled with confidence, which I know realize is something we all struggle with – or at least most of us. I so wanted to be like these women I admired – real and fictional – who seemed to just know who they were. I always struggled to figure it out.
I struggled the most when I went to seminary. I was so unsure of myself and my call. I knew I was called but I was so intimidated by my classmates who seemed to have this unwavering faith in themselves. I remember writing in a paper how I questioned whether or not my voice mattered. I got the paper back a week later and my professor had underlined that sentence and in the margin he wrote, “Your voice matters.”
The real story of finding my voice is found through the mentors I have had in my life. Men and women who have pointed out moments of leadership and told me that I mattered. In some of my most formative years the message I received over and over again contradicted that important message. I never felt like I fit and therefore I didn’t matter. I’d place my trust in something or someone and get my heart and spirit broken.
This new message of people telling me that I mattered, that what I had to say was good, that was new for me. During that time I started to root myself in the Creator. I was learning how to look at my story and see Him more than I saw brokenness. I started to see that being an outsider gave me a unique perspective.
I found my voice not by trying to fit in but rather by accepting that I never would. I didn’t need to find that community that I fit into, I needed to find a community that loved me for the person I was – both created by God and shaped by my experience. I had to learn that comparing my misfit life to others wouldn’t make me happy. My voice was found in accepting myself and accepting who God was calling me to be.
Just as Jo and Steph shared some things they’ve learned along the way, here are a couple of things I’ve learned along the way:
Guard your heart
Not everyone around you is a safe person. I’m not saying this to be cynical, but rather to say that when it comes to leading others – it can be a lonely task. There’s a fine line between being a vulnerable leader (which is important) and being a hot mess. Sometimes finding and keeping your voice means limiting the people who get to see and speak to your whole heart.
Root yourself in God
We can do nothing apart from Him. The sooner we see that he is the one who we should focus on the sooner we will be speaking his truths. Find what works for you as far as being rooted in him and make sacrifices to do those things regularly.
Let others speak truth into your life
I’ve had some amazing people say some really hard things to me. They are trusted advisors, people who know my heart and have walked the journey with me. They don’t sugar coat it when I need to hear it. Because they have walked the journey with me, it doesn’t hurt (as much) but rather inspires me to do better.
Broaden your perspective
Read books. Listen to podcasts. Attend conferences. Even if an opinion differs from your own, listen to it with an open mind and allow it to speak to you. Sometimes a challenging person will allow you to see God clearer and change you or keep you where you’re at.
I’m still fighting for my voice everyday, but these are just a few things I think I’ve learned from this journey. What about you?
Where are you on this journey to finding your voice?
I've been trying to do it right
I’ve always had a secret dream to be the person who picks music for television or movies. That person who finds obscure covers or indie bands whose songs will perfectly compliment the rise and falls of this or that character’s story line. The perfect piano riff into the scratchy voice that will accompany the main character’s “aha moment.” The fast violin line that will express the hurry of a man running to catch up to the love he’s about to lose. I’m a sucker for that perfect song that accompanies a perfect cinematic moment.
But because I do not get paid to discover music or orchestrate emotional moments in the lives of fictional characters – I am stuck doing it for myself and my own life. I have (in my humble opinion) mastered the art of a perfect mix. What started off as mix tapes and transitioned into mixed CDS and has now become playlists – I have spent an insane amount of time creating mixes to match a season of life.
One genre of mix that I have become particularly good at has been the Relationship Mix. A list of songs that sums up my relationships, more specifically, the romantic ones. From first meeting to the bitter end, I end up stumbling upon the perfect song to describe each stage of each relationship I’ve ever been in.
I stock pile these mixes with descriptive names- The Demise of Alexander, The Patrick That Got Away, The Whatever Happened with Bill, and the “Darn” You Scuba Steve Mix. (Names obviously changed because, well, this is the internet.)
Everyone once in a while, a song will play through the speakers and I am almost immediately transported back to that relationship. I feel the feelings I had in that moment. I see his face and I wonder if I made the right choices. When I’m feeling extra vulnerable, I think about why it went the way it did. Because I’m human – I’m a single female that sometimes gets lonely and wishes that I had someone – anyone – beside me at this event or that person’s birthday party. I’m a normal thirty year old woman who sometimes hates being the third (or fifth) wheel.
It’s in those moments when remembering the entirety of the mix is helpful. Because I can mentally skip to the end of the playlist. I can remind myself that there was a reason that it ended. There was an incompatibility that existed. The ever clear reminder that he wasn’t ready, or I wasn’t ready.
It’s almost like therapy for me, mentally cataloging the ebbs and flows of these relationships. Because while I was still in the relationship or shortly afterwards, I’ve done the work of asking hard questions, of digging into what really happened. I’ve created this mix in my mind that sums up my personal experiences so that later on, when I’m struggling, I can look back and remember. I can learn from my mistakes and I can move forward instead of dwelling on the past.
So here are a few tips to help you make you’re own lists:
Don’t force it: keep your ears open
Don’t go searching for the music to accompany your story. Simply keep your ears open and your feelings honest. When you hear a song that resonates – take note. It’s the small subtle tug on your heart strings. Especially when you least expect it and suddenly you are feeling all the feels.
Take artistic freedom
Sometimes you are the one singing but sometimes you are the one being sung to. Once I was jamming to a Taylor Swift hit when I suddenly realized that no matter how badly I wanted to identify with the scorned Taylor, if I was being honest, I was the one who needed to be reminded it was time to let it go. The songs don’t have to fit completely in they way they were intended, it’s okay to interpret a little for yourself.
An honest mix is a subjective mix
Once you finish your mix, don’t forget it’s only one side of the story. Don’t try to share it – especially with your ex. This is meant for you – to help you heal. Others won’t fully understand the way you want them to. You may be tempted because it may help them understand you better, but take it from someone who has had that go terribly wrong, just keep it to yourself.
I have faith that I won’t be alone forever. That someday in the future I’ll have a mix that never ends, just keeps growing with new memories and experiences. But for now, I have this list of mixes that help me to understand myself better. That help me to see what has been good, what has been bad. They help me remember what I want, what I’m looking for and help me to never settle for less than I deserve. It helps me to not feel alone in any particular moment. In the ups and downs of all these relationships I have found someone who gets it – someone who has experienced that moment and has lived to write a song about it.