I'm trying to love you more

While we were on staff retreat last week we did two different times of quiet time with God to ask two questions – what’s setting in your life and what’s rising?
The first question I had almost an immediate answer to, it came so quickly I almost doubted it was from God.  But I knew it was because it has been stirring in my soul ever since I went to the Belong Tour.  Listening to those women for those two days, I felt a clear message to my heart – it’s time to let go.
It’s time to let go of your insecurity.
It’s time to let go of your old ways.
It’s time to let go of the moving around.
Those days I was feeling this stirring in me.  I think it was uneasiness.  Since June of 2007 I have changed states 5 times.  In those years I have lived in twice as many houses.  I never stayed anywhere for more than 18 months.  Everything I took with me fit into my Camry.
I’ve now been in my apartment for over 2 years.  If I were to move again I would need movers.  I started to feel this itch in me, time to go somewhere else.
But the thing that I was struggling with was that I loved my life.  I love my church.  I love the people I get to do ministry with.  I wasn’t feeling a stirring to leave my church.  I was just craving change.  I think I had become drawn to the constant change.  The uncertainty that my future always held.  I’d always had an end date, in internships, in places I’ve lived.  There was always a goal I was working towards and once I hit that goal it was time to move on.
So naturally I started looking at moving.  I had gotten into my head that what I needed was a change of scenery – a new apartment, maybe a townhouse.  I need deeper roots here in this place I’m in.  If I’m here for the long haul so of course what’s next is a different place to live – moving is what I do.
But standing on the shores of Lake Michigan, I realized the thing I needed to change wasn’t my physical surroundings.  It was much deeper than that.  It was time to finally realize that God was at work in me, stirring up something.  But before that something could come to fruition, something needed to die.  My old ways.  My old insecurity.  My need for the approval of others.  The sun was setting on the older version of myself.
The second time we took on the shores of Lake Michigan, we were listening for what was rising.  What new thing is God doing in your life that you need to lean into.
I stared out at the waves breaking, I breathed deeply the crisp fall air.  But I heard nothing.  I don’t know what’s rising in me, what the new thing is God’s trying to do in me.
So I guess I’ll do what my favorite seminary professor would tell me to do – Be faithful.  I’ll just keep walking and see what he brings for me.

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