There’s this song by Ben Rector called “When a Heart Breaks” and another song by Mat Kearney called “Closer to Love.” They both hit a nerve in my heart that is a bit unexplainable. They both speaks such devastating truth about the human situation as well as they (sort of) imply a kind of hope that is found in a relationship with Christ.
So often in our every day lives we think as though we don’t need Jesus. When life is going fine and there are just mild annoyances that we have to deal with – spilling coffee on yourself, stubbing your toe, forgetting your phone charger… easy things. In those little things, we don’t need Jesus, we’ve convinced ourselves that we can handle life on our own.
But then something tragic happens. Whether to us or around us and all of a sudden we realize that our lives are unbelievably fragile. The chorus of Ben Rector’s song says, “It isn’t easy, it isn’t clear and you don’t need Jesus until your here, The confusion and doubts you have up and walk away, they walk away … when a heart a breaks.”
I’ve written about it so many times on here. That gut wrenching moment when you realize that everything you have has changed, in a moment. Your entire reality has shattered. Nothing will be the same again.
Except God.
God is never changing. He’s like that tree that is still standing after the storm, miraculously. When everything around it has been leveled and it’s still standing. That’s the triune God that we worship. He never leaves during the storm, he’s still there, protecting us when the storm rages on us. And when the dust settles, He’s still got us. He’s still the pillar that won’t shake.
And that fact, that fact pulls me closer to Him. He never promised a smooth road. But he promised that he would be with us through the storm. And he always has been. Even when we are convinced that we don’t need him. Because the truth is that we do need him, every day.
I realize that these thoughts are a bit all over the place, but I’m processing some stuff and sometimes I just need the reminder that God is bigger than the tragedies of my life and the lives of my loved ones.
watch your back, I'm nobody's girlfriend
Earlier today I jokingly referred to this week as “gender week” in a text to my lovely roommate. I made this joke because in our online class this week we are discussing the roles of women in the church and in relationships and in one of her other classes they were discussing gender. In yet another class this week I got into a mild debate over gender inclusivity and why I am not the cheerleader for gender inclusive translations. (for the record, I am a cheerleader for overall inclusiveness, just not when you get away from the Greek…)
But I digress.
In an online forum for our online class this week we were asked the question of what our thoughts were on the message of the NT writings on gender roles. One of my colleagues made a post that basically gave the excuse that as a woman pursuing ministry, that was her stance in the debate. She didn’t feel the need to get involved when the debate gets started, she would just keep her mouth shut and listen rather than be a part of the discussion.
Now, to her benefit, this debate gets shoved in our faces a lot here. Being a part of a gender inclusive denomination is great, I am all for it. But the debate is constantly at the forefront of our classes, our teacher’s lectures and our forums and clubs. We can recite to you why women should be in ministry as well as quote scripture defense and tell you what scholars have debunked the verses that tell us to be silent. We are well versed in this debate, or so we think.
The thing is, that someday we are going to be in ministry outside of this little Covenant bubble. We are going to be out in the real world and faced with a lot of people who do not think we should be in ministry. And not necessarily because we aren’t called or gifted but more so because how could we be called and gifted? That’s not how God works. That’s unbiblical. And these people that think these things, they aren’t bad people, they don’t hate women. They love women, but they’ve been raised in a system that believes these things. They have never questioned it, they have never been asked to question it. It’s almost never personal…and yet that’s how it feels when we hear it.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told I’d make a great pastor’s wife. Or how I’ll do great children’s ministry some day, since the minds of children are the only ones I can mold. I’ve been asked why I’m in seminary if women can’t be pastors. I’ve been asked if women are allowed to be pastors. I’ve been told that with ambition like mine, I’ll never get married. I’ve been asked if I’m only pursuing ministry because I’m not married. I’ve been asked where a man fits into my “life plan”. I’ve gotten it all. And the worst is when it comes from those closest to me. People who know how independent I am. People who know my passions and gifts.
And I have to tell myself over and over, it’s not personal. It’s not me they are questioning, it’s the system they have grown up in.
But this is why we, as women, cannot just sit there and look pretty. My choice of vocation is not enough to educate people. I have to know the debate, I have to know what to say when those questions come up. Even if it means that people will think worse of me, even if I get called a feminist. Even if I become “intimidating” and shunned for it.
(PS…today’s title comes from a recently loved Matt Nathanson song called “Modern Love,” it’s my jam. I just like the sassiness of the girl he describes and the fact that she is unapologetic about it and that THAT’S why he is intrigued by her. It makes me happy, although I realize that out of context that’s a weird sentence.)
you can breathe now
After starting to write this blog I’ve realized I have a lot to say about what it looks like to love your neighbor. I think in response to that, I have decided to start a little mini-series on here. I think I’m going to unofficially call it “Adventures in loving those around us” … Sounds a little cheesy but I think it’s something my heart is being drawn to. So I’m going to start going big instead of going home and I’m going to write about things I’m observing.
I’m going to start off a little on the light side and talking about loving that neighbor that’s your bestie…
I also realize that I have said a lot about relationships lately, yet at the same time I haven’t said enough. I haven’t been able to really put into words the things that have been mulling around in my head as of late. So here’s another attempt…
During one’s first year of Seminary there are a series of tests that you have to take to find out more about yourself and what you need to work on in Seminary. One of them is the infamous Myers-Briggs. Upon taking it I wasn’t shocked to find out I’m a pretty strong Extravert. Not new news to me. I’ve always known that I’m a people person. I’m fueled by people.
In Seminary and ministry alike it’s important to know what fuels you. If you’re an introvert than that’s important to recognize and embrace so that you can refuel every once and a while with some alone time. If you’re an extravert, like a lot of pastors, it seems as if you are golden, considering that in ministry you are often with people.
So last week, after several days of being with people all day, I should have been feeling great, right? Wrong. I was exhausted. It’s a common misconception that Extraverts can and will be fueled by being with people – any people group. Being in Seminary I have discovered that this is very untrue, especially for me.
It can basically be distinguished by a question asked of me on Friday night by one of our incoming students. After confessing that I was exhausted even though our orientation had gone so well and I was loving every moment of it, I had said something about although I am an extravert, this kind of thing sometimes drain me more than fuel me. Then he asked, “So, who do you have in your life that refuels you without you being a resource to them?”
It was a complicated question, especially coming off of a few days of being introduced as “Alicia Vela, President of SA.” I had my “president” hat on at all times. It’s exhausting always being the person with the answers. Even though for the most part I love this position, it is exhausting.
The question this new friend asked me got me thinking. Who in my life are the people that fuel me? As an extravert, where do I go for some refueling time? Who in my life allows me to hang out with them without being a resource to them?
It was pretty obvious because that particular night, instead of going home or going out with the group of people who were all going to hang out, I went to the apartment of two close friends and watched a movie. I was on E after a crazy week and instead of being alone, I chose to go hang out with two people that refuel me. Sure, I didn’t get a ton of sleep that night but the next morning I was ready for another day of crazy orientation. ((disclaimer: I have several people in my life here like this, these two aren’t the only ones, just a recent example.))
See, in ministry (and in Seminary) we need to be able to be honest with ourselves about who in our lives are life-giving. Who do we go to when we are exhausted and need nothing more than to sit on a couch and watch a dumb movie. Who do we let our guard down with completely, enough so that they become insiders in our world.
There’s a quote by an author I love that encourages us to seek out people that think the way we think. To surround ourselves with others that see life as an adventure, that help us to see the beauty all around us. I would also encourage us to find the people that accept us when we have nothing left to give. The people who embrace us in those moments.
Who is it in your life? Who are the people that you’re never too tired to see? Who are the people in your life who you let see all of you? The people that show up no matter what?
Once you have identified those people, show up for them. Friendship is a two way street. It is hard, it is messy, it is sometimes complicated and hard. But it is one of the most beautiful things we have on earth. We need to show our friends the respect and honor that this vulnerability deserves. We need to be there when it’s hard and painful, when it’s pee your pants funny, when it’s boring, when it’s awkward … we need to be there at all times, in all seasons. Even when we don’t know what to say. Even when we’ve done wrong and don’t know how to fix it.
Because we were called to love one another. And this is just one aspect of that love.
I'm walking on the wire and you're holding me steady
I’ve moved around a lot. I moved as a toddler, as a high school student, right after college, then a year later, then two years later, then a year later… So you could say that this type of lifestyle doesn’t exactly breed deep, long lasting friendships. I grew up in a small town where you know everyone in town and everyone knows you. I moved early on in high school to a school that opened brand new and no one really knew each other. So graduating high school was great, but wasn’t with people I had known my whole life. Back then we didn’t even really have many ways to keep in touch with those people I grew up with.
I have one friend that I keep in touch with from high school. And the irony of that is we didn’t even know each other in high school. We met in a bible study in college. I commuted all four years of college and didn’t make a ton of close friends in Boulder. Although I had close friends that I made outside of school. Then I graduated from college and moved away. I lived in MI for 6 months, then moved home, then to Kansas City where I stayed a year and a half. Then Colorado for a year, and now I’m starting my second year in Chicago.
I should also mention, I kind of suck at long distance friendships. Twitter/phones/blogs/google+ etc makes it a little easier but altogether I’m pretty bad at it. So I have that going against me.
Then add in that I’m probably the worst friend to my closest friends. I know how backwards that sounds but I am flighty at times. I am a text book social butterfly and constantly need to be moving. I’m also a text book non-innitiater. Add those things together it’s super easy for my closest friends to feel the most neglected. So there’s another strike.
But the thing is, I long for those close relationships. I long to have people just get me, understand why certain things enrage me, make me cry, make me laugh. Those are the relationships that fuel me, that make me really feel loved. And I dream of some day being able to say “Oh, we’ve been friends for 20/30/40 years”. I want to have those relationships, but knowing that I’m not very good at them makes it difficult.
I becamse increasinly aware of this and thankful for grace last night. I was sitting on the couch next to my best friend and after a night mix-ups and delays, we were celebrating their 5th anniversary with pizza and their dvr. I remember their wedding like it was yesterday. I remember them meeting a year before that and walking alongside of her while she realized this was the man she loved and wanted to spend her life with. She’s the person who knows the most about me on this earth. As we were sitting there, casually catching up on our weeks, I made some remark about an immature decision I made that week, and she called me on it without missing a beat. With no more than 10 words she gave me about 15 reasons why I needed to walk away from this particular situation. It was amazing. A task only she could accomplish that efficiently.
See, relationships take a lot of work up front. We all know that. It takes dedication and vulnerability. But the long term takes work too. It takes phone calls, email, visits, intentionality. All things I’m less than great at. Which is why I am thankful for the grace of my close friends, you know who you are, who allow me to be forgetful, call me out on it and talk it out so we can move on.
Friendships. When done right are a phenomenon. They don’t make sense that people could possibly love you this much and you them. It’s not logical that we can learn to depend on someone else in a way that we do our friends. It’s not logical to let someone in that far, with the chance to break your heart. And yet, we do it. Sometimes it turns out well, sometimes it hurts like hell. But one thing’s for sure. It’s totally worth it.
Cause like I’ve said on here before, friends can’t actually change things in your life to make it suck less. But they can sit around a table with you, on a roof in Chicago and make you laugh. They can encourage you, speak to your soul, love you when you don’t love yourself and basically, be Jesus to you.
So go out, tell those you love the most that you appreciate them. And try to be Jesus to them, learn to love them better.
Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine
The lyrics to this song have been playing over in my head for a few weeks now. These lines in particular:
It seems as if all my bridges have been burned
You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive at the restart
I’m not going to pretend that I am inside this song writer’s head at all, but I’ve been mulling over what exactly he may mean in these lyrics, and in this whole song. I don’t wanna over spiritualize the song because it’s not a Christian band but at the same time, I know that the band members at one time or another were all followers of Christ, regardless of what their current beliefs are. That being said, let’s talk about these lyrics for a few minutes.
There’s a part of me that thinks that this song is about grace within a community and maybe the way that people interact with each other. That line that says, “You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works” in response to his saying that he feels like all his bridges are burned … that line has been etched into my mind these last couple weeks. So last night, while listening to this band, I decided to feel out what my friends thought of this lyric. So I found the exact lyrics and asked for thoughts.
“It kind of sounds a little Prodigal Son-y”
I thought about this some and came to the conclusion that she was right. I’m not sure that it was the long walk of shame back to his father that helped to change the heart of the son, but rather the welcome he got when he admitted it was time for a new start. That’s how this grace thing works.
Then I started thinking about it within community. How do we play out this grace thing in community? I mean our eternal life depends on our personal relationship with Jesus and the Lord but for some people, they need to see how this grace thing works on earth, with real people. So then I begin to wonder about how grace plays out with those around us.
See grace is tricky. I think it is something you learn to be good at. I think it takes a lot of trial and error. But I also don’t think we ever really master it. I think it’s something best lived out in community, honest hard messy community. Because I think for us to really be able to be a community, to show each other grace, it requires a vulnerability that is hard. A vulnerability that puts us at risk of getting hurt.
The problem with that vulnerability is that we are just sheep, as Jesus calls us. It’s not a compliment, it’s more of a scapegoat. Sheep are dumb animals, they need a leader to show them where to go. And sometimes, sheep bite each other. They don’t really know they’re doing it or why they’re doing it but it happens. And sometimes, we as people bite each other without meaning it, without trying or knowing why. We are just sheep being sheep.
And that fact makes it hard to have grace with each other. Because the bites are painful and they hurt. And sometimes we tend to shut down after they happen, but that’s not how this grace thing works. We have to learn to give grace unconditionally and continue to give ourselves. Continue to walk alongside others in the midst of the crap that we do to each other.
But that’s hard. and at times it feels like it’s not worth it. It feels like we need to shut down when we get hurt. It feels like we have to put that stone back so as to prevent that hurt from ever happening again. But we have to fight that. We have to try and continue to let people in enough to hurt us.
This is no easy task. It’s hard. And I have no answers as to how to do it well considering it’s something I struggle with. But I think it’s worth thinking about at the very least.
been talking about the way things change
Hebrew break time.
Thanks to those of you who put in input for my sermon last week…namely just the four of you. If you feel so inclined to see what I came up with you can click HERE to find an audio of my sermon. Don’t feel bad if you don’t want to, I’d understand. I rarely want to listen to sermons online so you’ll get extra friend points if you do.
So, instead of writing out on here the things I preached on, instead I’m going to reflect on the process of sermonizing (a word I think I might have just made up although maybe not?) So here goes some random thoughts on what this process looked like for me.
I picked the passage Isaiah 43:1-7. Upon talking through some thoughts with my friend/Worship Arts Director at my church, Paul, I came up with a basic theme and direction for the sermon. I basically was choosing to talk about what we should do when faced with adversity in this life. Mostly the kind of adversity that we cannot control. What do we do when life just sort of sucks? (I said it a bit more eloquently on Sunday, don’t worry…I didn’t offend anyone). So I chose to look into these words that the Lord speaks to the people in Babylonian exile and see how they could speak into our lives. Little did I know it was going to be intense. …. alright, so I did know.
I started looking through commentaries because I was really intrigued by this passage and to be honest, I wasn’t exactly sure how it lined up with the history I learned in OT. So I searched. I started to see how the words of the Lord would have applied to these people and realized an even deeper meaning than I had even imagined.
Isaiah begins and ends this particular passage recognizing God as the Creator. The crux of the this passage is found in the middle where it says “Because you are precious in my eyes, and honoured, and I love you.” The last thing that tugged on my heart was the use of the phrase – “you are redeemed.”
So let’s put those things together and think about this for a moment. We are precious in the eyes of the Creator of the universe and because of that love, we are called redeemed.
Did you get that? The same God that spoke the world into being LOVES us. Not only that, but he calls us precious and redeems us. The commentators point out that the form of the verb used for redeemed shows a complete action. It’s already been done for us.
So when we face the flooding waters and the consuming fire of this life, we have the ability to draw into the embrace of the Father and hear these reassuring words. Even though it seems like these raging rivers and fires are going to over take us because we don’t have the full picture. Even though there is evil in this world that we can do nothing about… God is God. He is the creator of the universe and he chooses to love and protect us.
SO… from that reality we must live. We must live into communities that support each other through the storm. Because, friends, it’s not a matter of if the storm is going to come into your life, it’s a matter of when. And when that storm comes, will you be completely dependent on God? Completely dependent on those around you that also know God is good?
Because sometimes, instead of being dependent on God and our community, we become dependent on a life circumstance. And when the bottom falls out of that, we are left in the shambles. But if you’re dependent on God and those around you, at least you have people around to help you rebuild.
One year and five months ago, as part of a bible study exercise I identified the biggest fear I had at that time. I had to fill in the blank of the statement. “If ______________ happens, then I’ll be wrecked.” In that bible study I learned to replace that sentence with “if _________________happens, then there’s God.” I didn’t learn it a moment too soon. Then, two months later, my blank happened. That thing I feared, that phone call I never wanted to come, that news that brought me to my knees.
But there was God. and a community of believers that surrounded me and helped me to start rebuilding.
So, friends, a lot of these reflections happened post sermon, but the basics were there on Sunday and one really big thing I learned is that I really like preaching. And while I was really nervous and I know that there were things I could have done better, overall the experience was really good. Because God is good, and that’s all I have to say about that.
darkness is a harsh term, don't you think?
—and yet it dominates the things I see.
Did you know life’s not fair? Did you know that sometimes bad things happen to good people? I’m not talking about you spilled your latte on your white dress (although that does suck). I’m talking about the unjust things that are a product of the fallen world. I’m talking about the fact that things exist like cancer, racism, hate crimes, death in general, MS, poverty, sexism, rape, molestation … obviously the list goes on. So in the midst of a world where you are constantly faced with the unfair systems of this world, how do you find the faith to keep walking? How do you find the strength to get out of bed everyday and try and make a difference?
Now before you say to yourself, “wow, Alicia is really going through something” let me tell you that I’m preaching on this subject this Sunday. But mostly I want to draw from my group of friends, fellow seminary students, former students, all those close to me:
What are the things that keep you going through the darkness? What are the moments in life that allow you to “keep the faith”?
More to come on this topic as I continue to flush it out with the passage I’m preaching on. I don’t want to jade any comments so please, comment away with whatever comes to mind.
like a deer in the headlights
I spent this past week up in the glorious mountains at the 126th Annual Meeting of the Evangelical Covenant Church. Oh yeah, and the Feast, which was also fun. In case you don’t know, the Feast is an event for families, it happens every three years and consists of worship, family activities, learning experiences and time to refresh your soul. The Annual Meeting is for church delegates and pastors to get together and do the business side of running a denomination. There’s voting, ordaining, remembering, updating and lots and lots of corny jokes.
My role for the weekend was basically to do whatever the Events staff needed done. It included checking people in, driving shuttles, picking up Starbucks VIA, ushering, greeting, moving boxes, and a variety of other jobs. There was also worship and lots of fancy phrases like, “I move to resolve…” and “All in favor say ….” But for me there were much more important moments.
I was looking forward to this time in Estes Park mostly because I was going to get the chance to hang out with some very good friends that I had missed during my first few weeks of summer. However, I had no idea how much fun I would have and how renewed I would feel after this week (Or how tired I would be after helping with these events…seriously, so tired).
There were a lot of fun moments, including going on the zip line through through the mountain scenery with some dear friends, worship, sharing some of my story in front of a very large crowd of people, sharing laughter with friends that were new and old, and even some trips to Starbucks.
However, probably the most significant time was spent processing some of my recent discoveries about the last year of life. This happened in various ways, with others and by myself and I’m thankful for all of them. Being home this time has been much harder than past times. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that Colorado no longer really feels like home. I’m realizing that the life that I built in Chicago is a significant one. I’m involved in a church, I have friends who wade though the depths with me, I go to school, I (sort of) have a job … I have a complete life. And that’s not to say that I don’t love Colorado, or that I don’t love the people here. It’s merely to say that I am different then I was when I lived here and this is more of a place that I visit than a place that I live.
Life is meant to be lived alongside others. I am so very thankful for the people that God has placed in my life this year. Even if some of them are moving on from Seminary and even if my community will look differently next year than it did this year, I am excited to get back to Chicago and see what God has for this year. It should be a good one.
This past week was full of moments where I could do nothing but stand in awe at God’s work in my life and the lives of my friends, and in awe of his love for us. It almost felt like I was a deer in the headlights, as though I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, all I could do was stare at his glory. Those moments in life are the kinds of things that keep me in check. Keep me smiling and trucking on when things are harder than they should be, harder than God intended them to be. Because this life…it’s unfair at times. And in those times it’s good to reach back and see where God has been faithful to you.
I will make my boast in Christ alone
Like I said, this past week was VBS week. I got the chance to be a sort of assistant director in charge of the high school and jr high leaders. I’ve held this position before and once all the pre-work is done it basically means that I get the chance to participate in all aspects of VBS. Once you train the volunteers, sort t-shirts, decorate the church, co-ordinate the band and tech and sound, teach the motion girls the motions we made up, blah blah blah …. all there is left to do is have fun with the 250 4-12 year olds that sign up.
The most stressful part of the VBS morning for me, honestly, is the first 15 minutes. That’s our opening program which I was in charge of “producing.” So every morning I would make sure that the slides were right in MediaShout, that the sound and the powerpoint guy were ready, that the band was ready to go, blah blah blah. It was honestly really fun because that’s where I find a lot of joy in church work.
The other place of joy in church work I find is in the relationships and VBS is a breeding ground for relationships. Here’s a little insight to what I got to do this week, I basically walked around handing out stickers to children. Between making sure all our leaders were doing their job and those little detail-y things, I simply walked around to all the stations and talked with the kids. It was such a joy and so much fun. Here are a few things that I got to be a part of this week:
A conversation with a group of first grade girls (I did not make this up):
Girl 1: Alicia, you have the best sunglasses ever!
Me: Thanks hun!
Girl 2: I like them more! They are like the greatest in the whole world!
Me: Aw, Thanks!
Girl 3: Well I like your name tag!
Girl 1: I like your name tag too!
Girl 2: You’re the best!
Girl 3: Yeah! the Best Ever!
Me: Well you girls are pretty awesome too!
A conversation with a first grade boy:
Me: Do you remember me from last year?
Him: Kinda, I think you gave good high fives.
Me: We were buddies last year, remember?
Him: Well I remember the high fives..
Me: Good enough for me
**we high five**
Another great highlight was a fourth grader named Aspen who was a big fan of giving me hugs and telling me how she thought I was cooler than her leader (my guy friend.) Then there was first grader Maya who I am pretty sure never actually said anything to me but gave me a lot of hugs and ended up being the daughter of my HS drama teacher.
Now, I sometimes get a little down on the silliness of VBS and the way that it’s a whole lot of work and I question about whether or not there is retention in these little ones. But this morning as we were singing this song called “I Will Boast” it sort of hit me. This may not be a profound moment for these kids, but the basic biblical truths that we are echoing every day to them, the thought that God is Wild about You!, may be silly, but it’s truth that they need to hear, even at a young age.
The lyrics of the song we were singing was talking about how we shouldn’t boast in riches, wisdom or strength but rather be humble and give thanks. The chorus simply states, “I will boast in the Lord my God, I will boast in the one who’s worthy.” I like the thought of these kids learning this lesson young, even if at 4, little Ainsley doesn’t fully get it, it’s a conversation starter, a seed planted at a young age. With cool motions to go with it.
The point that I guess I’m making is the fact that we are merely planting seeds in the lives of these little ones, but at the same time, as they look up to us we must be the example to them. Where I put my trust, my faith, what I boast in, those are the things that they take notice of. And I need to know that and it helps me keep in mind that I need to make my boast in Christ alone.
He is awesome
This week is VBS. So for the last weekish I’ve been eating, sleeping and breathing Pandamania. It has been pretty exhausting. But yesterday morning started the pay off. 250 kids showed up to learn about God and how much he loves us.
It’s just a joy to see these kids come in, some that have been coming every year, some that are new this year. It’s so fun to be a part of all the action. It’s been fun being able to be the person behind the opening and closing sessions. But the relationships with the kids and the leaders is by far the most rewarding. It’s so fun to see how these kids grow and see how they experience God. It’s also amazing to watch volunteers from our church step up and serve in places where they are gifted. I am more and more thankful to see the way that God has created people so vastly different and allow them to serve in ways that they are uniquely gifted.
It makes the hours of painting, group arranging, t-shirt sorting and name tag writing totally worth it.