Category: Community

Posted on

one day when the glory comes

A friend texted me the following quote this week:

“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation.  We must always take sides.  Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.  Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” – Elie Wiesel

What follows is a post I’ve been mulling over for a few weeks.  It’s still not fully thought through and it’s not profound in anyway.  But it is an attempt at not being silent anymore, regardless of how unprepared I am to speak.

IMG_4538 The first time I visited the National Civil Rights Museum was in March 2010.  I clearly remember a moment where I found myself standing in a replica of a jail cell listening to the reading of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s Letter from Birmingham Jail.  I stood in that jail cell and tears streamed down my face as I listened to this letter.
In this letter, Dr. King is responding to white area clergy who had written a statement calling his actions and the civil rights movement “unwise and untimely.”  His response is humble but firm – that injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Back then I had just decided on moving to Chicago to pursue my masters.  I was beginning the path toward where I am now – an ordained pastor serving in a church setting.  Standing there and listening to his words ignited something in me – a passion to fight for justice, especially within the racial tensions in America.
As I was exiting seminary, someone asked me what I thought my role in racial righteousness ministry.  Throughout seminary I had been challenged to see myself and the world around me differently.  I had come face to face with ugly truths in my own life and in the world, especially when it came to racial righteousness.  So this question to me gave me pause.
I’ve been trying to answer that question for the last six years.  To see where I fit in on this long road towards justice for all.  What’s my leg of the race?  Where do I fit into it?
Along this journey of discovery for myself, I have found beauty in the discussions.  I’ve entered in with my brothers and sisters in Christ as I’ve tried to understand the various perspectives in justice ministry.  I’ve sat uncomfortably in the anger.  I’ve cried the tears of brokenness and pain.  I’ve rejoiced alongside my brothers and sisters who find triumph in their ministries in building bridges.
Last month I found myself in that same jail cell replica.  I was en route to Jackson, MS with an intergenerational group from our church.  We were going to serve alongside another Covenant church and on the way we were stopping to enter into this conversation about race in America.
I took the picture above on this second trip.  I wanted to remember the first time I stood in that cell and at the same time I wanted to rejoice in how far I’ve come in my own understanding.  But I also took this picture for another reason – to remind me that I’m still on the outside.  
I’ve done some hard work in my life to understand racism in America.  I have had to do some digging in my own life as a biracial woman.  I’ve dealt with racism and sexism directed towards me.  I understand being marginalized in some aspects.  But I am still on the outside of this jail cell.
I still have white privilege.  I will never fully understand what it feels like to be afraid of law enforcement, to do everything right and still be disrespected, beaten or killed.
Dr. King was constantly challenging white clergy to enter into the conversation.  To mourn alongside those who mourn and to be heartbroken by the belittling and loss of life.  To not stand idly by while our brothers and sisters are being devalued, killed and held back from the type of life they deserve.
When tragedy strikes us the way it has this week in Dallas, Baton Rouge and Minnesota or in recent weeks in Orlando and overseas – we must join together and lament.  To fight darkness with light.
Yes – Hate is alive in our country.  Fear is alive in our country.  But so is Christ.  Christ is alive and he is mourning the loss of life.  He is weeping over the bodies of Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, and the five officers in Dallas.
I’m still working through what this looks like in my own life – how I am called to act.  But I refuse to look away, to be silent when the darkness is so loud.
May we join together and engage in this conversation on how to redeem and mend the brokenness all around us.

Posted on

time after time I hit rewind

Today I’m linking up with Mrs. Disciple for her #FridayFive because I simply cannot help myself.  This week’s prompt is Smiles – and well, that makes me smile.
Pouring the cheese on with that one – but I simply do not care.  Here are five things in the last few weeks that have made me genuinely smile.

#FridayFive: Things that make me smile

Small children saying my name

In general, when a kid learns how to say my name, it absolutely melts my heart.  But there’s a specific subcategory of this one recently that is just killing it.  Right after I became a pastor of my church a whole slew of families at our church announced they were expecting.  As in five families, which in our church of 120 is a lot.  When these kids entered our world they were my first hospital visits in this call.  They were my first baptisms and dedications in this call.  They all hold a very special place in my heart.  These kids are now about 18 months and starting to talk.  I have recently heard my first “Pastor Alicia” from one of them and I couldn’t help but smile.  Okay – it was more like “P-tor Lesh-a” but I’m counting it.  There’s a special relationship that blossoms from being a pastor to young kids and that moment when they reciprocate the relationship is nothing short of a holy moment.

Post surgery wake up

If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you have undoubtedly seen pictures of one of my students.  She received a kidney transplant from her mom a couple of weeks ago.  She’s had some non-kidney issues that have kept her in the hospital and last night she had another surgery to take care of business.  I was lucky enough to be present during both surgeries.  Last night’s surgery was a long one.  We paced the halls and waited for the good news.  After it finally came, it was a little bit of a wait until we got to see her.  When I came into the recovery area, I spoke quietly to her.  Made my way up to the side of the bed and as I touched her hand she opened her eyes and looked at me.  I couldn’t help but smile.  She gave me a brief smile and while she probably won’t remember that moment, I’ll treasure it.  It’s one thing to get news that the surgery went well but it’s a completely other to get to see her, touch her hand and praise God that everything went well.

Technology

As someone who lives far away from a lot of people she loves, I’m a huge fan of technology.  But this week what brought me a smile is my Roomsmate.  Two years ago she moved back to California. I miss her more than words can say.  She was my confidante, my partner in crime and the best roommate.  But with technology we get to talk every day.  Whether it be silly snapchats, texts, gmail chat, FaceTime or twitter, we are still living life together.  This week she sent me an article to read that she had loved, it gave words to things I had been feeling for a long time.  I’m amazed that even from more than a thousand miles away she is still challenging me and helping me to see God’s hand in my life.  So maybe this one is less about Technology and more about her deep loving friendship.

Meghan Trainor

I’ve been a long time fan of Meghan Trainor.  But she recently released a new song and it cemented my love for her for a few reasons.  First of all, the song “Me Too” is all about loving yourself and your body.  I’m all about promoting positive self-talk.  Secondly, when her video released she saw that she had been heavily photoshopped in it.  She called all the people in command and took the video off the internet.  She approved and re-released the video unphotoshopped.  She’s not the first celebrity to take a stand on photoshopping but this week, that made me smile.  Lastly, in her recent performance on the Tonight show, she fell at then end, because her heels were CRAZY high.  She made it through a whole dance break without falling, but turning around at the end was what made her fall.  And she had the perfect reaction to it – she laid on the floor and laughed.  Keep doing you, Meghan.

Graduation Announcements

It’s that time of year again!  I’m loving seeing what my students come up with for their graduation announcements.  But this year also marks a very special year of graduation.  I’ll be traveling home next week for the graduation of my dear (adopted) little brother.  His mom was my boss in my first internship.  They moved to my home town when he was little.  Very little.  I once wrote about him in a blog saying that if he asked me to give him my car I’d give it to him – he was that cute as a kid.  This year he graduates from high school.  I cannot believe this is where we’re at.  He and his family are like my second family, related by the blood of Christ.  I got a huge grin opening his announcement and even now as I anticipate a trip home to celebrate him.

What’s made you smile this week?

Posted on

she is messy but she's kind

The last two weeks of Lead Stories Podcast have been about empowering women.  They shared a couple of interviews with women who are leading in some cool ways down in Florida and this week they shared five tips on how to empower women.  For today’s #TuesdaysinLeadership I thought I’d share some stories of how I’ve been empowered by others.
One of the tips that Steph and Jo shared this week was to know the people you are empowering.  Jo shared a story that instead of asking her to speak, someone once just put her in the program.  This person knew that she would overthink the ask, so they went ahead and put her down.  This person was a good friend and knew her well enough to know that would be okay.
I’ve <thankfully> never had that happen to me.  But I’ve had people take a chance on me, give me the opportunity to do something a little out of my comfort zone that ends up being a great gift.  Two years ago I was contacted by the director of one of our area camps, asking me to come be the pastor of the week that summer.  It would include speaking 5 times and just generally being available to the staff and campers as a pastoral figure.
I was really nervous.  I had never done something like this, even though I’ve always dreamed of it.  I’d love to speak more than I do.  I believe it’s a gift I’ve been given – to be able to communicate God’s Word in an accessible way.  But at the time I was pretty fresh into my first full time pastoral role.  It’s hard to break into the speaking game, especially as a young woman.
But this camp director took a chance on me.  He has known me since I was in high school.  He was on staff at my home church for a year and we ended up serving in the same conference.  Even though he had never heard me speak, he was asking me to come be a part of what he was doing at camp.
It was an incredible week.  It really helped me as a speaker not to mention it was really fun.  The director continued to encourage me and has asked me back to speak twice.
Sometimes as women we have the tendency to second guess ourselves.  We wonder if we really are good at specific aspects of our jobs.  Opportunities arise to us and we consider turning them down because we are not sure we are qualified.  This is why it’s so important to have people in our lives that speak truth – truth from God – into our lives.
I’m so thankful that there have been a series of people who have taken a chance on me.  Who have given me opportunities I wouldn’t have had otherwise to help grow in my skills as a leader.  This is not limited to speaking opportunities, I’ve been given opportunities to be a behind the scenes person at events or to help speak into parts of retreats.
I’m still learning how to do this well for others now.  I want to be able to take my own influence and empower women as well.  It’ll come with time I am sure.  But I think God for the people who have walked before me, blazing the path for women in leadership and then have turned around to help me along the path.

Who’s empowered you lately?  And who could you in turn empower in your life?

Posted on

as the days keep turning into night

This has been one crazy week of ministry.  It’s been up and down emotionally speaking but through it all, God has shown me some great moments of beauty, community and faithfulness.  I’ve been a bit busy to write, but I’ll try to catch up. #famouslastwords
This week’s #FridayFive topic is The Ways You are Nailing Motherhood – which doesn’t necessarily apply to me, so I thought instead I’d go back a week and write on last week’s prompt.  I still encourage you to go over to Mrs. Disciple and read some of the posts in this week’s link up!
So here’s last week’s #FridayFive:

Five Days I Would Live Again

April 24, 2016

IMG_4065I’ll start with the most recent.  This past Sunday was our Confirmation Sunday.  We confirmed 11 students and baptized one of them as well.  Part of the service was them each sharing their faith.  A few months ago I had given them a paper outlining some questions they could answer and I encouraged them to get creative.  My hope with this many confirmands was that they would each show our congregation a bit of who they are as individuals.  That God’s creativity in creation would shine through them.   And it sure did.  They each prepared their testimonies in their own way: we had videos, songs, slide shows of photography, drawings, some comedic relief.  They did an amazing job and I wish I could relive that service, that day of celebration again and really take it all in.  I’m so proud of each of them!

November 25, 2015

IMG_3123This one day could actually be a number of days – any days that I get to spend with my nieces are days to relive.  But this one was particularly fun.  I had just flown in that morning, these two greeted me at the airport with a hand made sign.  Once we got lunch and back home, I took them to the park – well two parks because they couldn’t decide between the two.  Then we went for ice cream.  I can count on one hand the amount of days I’ve spent with them when they haven’t fought but that day they were like best of friends.  It was a day filled with laughter, sunshine and plenty of “look at me Tia!” Not pictured is going to pick up the baby who came running into my arms the moment she saw me.

April, 2000

I don’t have a picture, or a specific date for this one – but it’s the day I first met my goddaughter.  Her mom had just adopted her and they made their first visit to see us, it was also the weekend she was baptized.  The weekend I first became a godmother.  The day they flew in we were waiting at their gate.  My aunt was carrying  all their bags from the plane so the Goddaughter was walking.  The minute she saw us she shrunk behind her mom.  She wasn’t quite ready for us but it was a busy airport so my aunt told me to pick her up to walk to baggage claim.  She stared at me like I was an alien.  She cried for her mom.  It wasn’t until we were in the car and I offered her a sip of my iced tea did she warm up to me.  The rest of the day she loved me.  It all started with some Arizona Iced Tea.

December 2ish, 2011

DSCN0712 Once upon a time two seminarians decided kind of last minute to fly to NYC for the weekend before finals.  We were burnt out for lots of good reasons that year and we needed a weekend of no homework and no drama.  Our friend who shares my name also came and joined us for one of the days.  I would relive that trip times a thousand and every trip to NYC since then.  Every time I go to NYC I learn something new about the city and about myself.   I love that city and I loved running around it with my favorite Roomsmate.

December 16, 2012

IMG_0762 This day. This was what I would consider the beginning of our real friendship.  I remember it so clearly, I had been having a rough couple days and the Kindergarten Teacher (who has since become the One that Moved to Seattle) called me after church and asked if I wanted to go get lunch.  Then we went to Target and wandered the aisles.  It was the first of many many lunches with her and her husband on Sunday afternoons.  Afternoons spent wandering through stores, going to movies, living life together.  Very few friendships have that starting moment – and this was ours.  Our first selfie and the beginning of a friendship that I miss dearly now that she lives on the West coast.
This was a really fun post to write – there are so many days I’d love to relive.  So many moments that are precious to me, captured through pictures that I keep dear to my heart.  But for now, we’ll stick to these five.

Posted on

You will always be more than enough for me

This last week has been one of those weeks.  One of those weeks where you cling on to the promise of faith because not much else seems to stay still long enough to grab on.  We lost a dear member of our congregation this week.  This woman was such an example of what the body of Christ should act like – she was a constant encourager.  But in a way that you knew she really meant it.  It didn’t seem like a platitude.  It was a genuine pointing out of your gifts and acknowledging God’s work in your life.
She came to our church shortly after I did.  She came with her daughter and son-in-law, always sitting towards the back on the left from where I stood up front.  Her smile was contagious and her hugs in the receiving line were always a highlight of my week.  She always greeted me with a smile and a “Hello my friend.”  She asked me questions about my life – not to pry but to let me know that she cared for me, the way she cared for her own grandchildren.  She always encouraged me to share from my heart – to be honest with who I was because she loved it when I was real.
In my last post I shared that I have a hard time really speaking my truth from my story.  So today’s #FridayFive is about names of God – I’m going to share the Names of God that I have discovered from the margins.
So today’s #FridayFive is in her honor.  I miss you already my dear friend.
Friday-Fun-1

#FridayFive: Five Names of God from a Self Appointed Outsider

Heavenly Father
When I first started Seminary I took a class called Spirituality and Conflict.  The first day of class one of the teachers did a devotion asking us each what our go to name for God was, I picked Father.  At the end of class, this teacher gave us each an image for our name for God with a note in it from what we had shared over the course of the class.  It was amazing.
I often get asked about if it’s hard to see God as father considering my past.  The question comes from a good place – I found God during the most difficult time in my family.  Most of my pastors and youth workers had never met my dad.  Most of my mentors have only heard the hard parts of the story.  But we had good years before the bad years.  I knew what it was like to have a dad which made the sting of his withdrawal heavier.  I grew up knowing what it was like to have someone teach you how to camp and hit a ball.  A man who I knew loved me deeper than I could comprehend.  Then in my teenage years it went away – the years when I needed someone to fight for my worth, to teach me what relationships were supposed to look like, to show me how I deserved to be treated.  But God picked up where my dad left off.  Through mentors, surrogate father figures and his soft whisper, God showed me the love that my earthly father could not.  I still mourn the years that alcoholism robbed me of with my earthly father, but I praise a God who sought after me in that time.  That still seeks after me, as a father does for his daughter.
Redeemer
I heard a sermon recently that rocked my world.  It was on the story of Joseph and she taught about the different stages of Joseph’s life and how it led to something great because of God’s work in Joseph’s life.  God did some great things through Joseph, he refined Joseph’s gifts and blessed many people through Joseph.  At the end of Joseph’s life, his brothers are lamenting selling him into slavery – the evil that they did to him – and Joseph says: Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.
I’ve read that verse so many times and it usually gets cut off after “good” – but the rest of it is so important.  It would have been enough for God to have just redeemed Joseph’s story – to end the story at Joseph not being killed or treated harshly in slavery.  But God took Joseph’s story and redeemed it so that people could have life.  Not only does God redeem our brokenness – he does it so that we may bring about life in a world of brokenness.  I love that God redeems – that he takes broken stories like mine and redeems them, gives them life again so that they may be used for his glory.
Unifier
I attended a seminary that publicly endorses multiculturalism and women in ministry.  Because it’s the seminary of our denomination that says these are values we hold dear.  But my time in seminary was extremely difficult, partially because God was working in me and partially because I am a female and I am biracial.  In one of our degree seeking meetings with a professor, I was asked, “What is it like to attend this seminary and not be Swedish?”  He was asking because he really wanted to know, he was one of our professors who was constantly challenging us to hear the stories of others.  He wanted to hear my experience and challenged me to share it freely with my classmates.  There were many difficult moments in those three years – moments where I felt silenced, discriminated against, marginalized but there were also moments where I felt empowered, valued and cared for by my brothers and sisters.
There was a moment I clearly remember.  A fellow classmate came to me with something that was being said about me.  He sat across the table at Starbucks from me and told me that he had gone to bat for me.  That he had defended me against what was being said about me because he knew me.  That he told the other person that wasn’t who I was, to give me a chance and hear my story.  The moment stands so clearly because my classmate and I had walked alongside each other.  We knew each other’s stories, we had taken time to talk through difficult truths.  God was sowing unity between us.  God used this person to help me find unity in a community that was anything but unified.
Reconciler
I fully believe that God works as reconciler.  That we cannot reconcile conflict without him.  I hate conflict.  I hate disappointing people.  It makes me physically uncomfortable.  But I am human and I make bad choices sometimes.  And when I am hurt, and I have hurt others – I am not fully capable of doing the work of reconciliation.  I mean I can say I’m sorry – but I cannot find reconciliation without my God.  I’ve tried.  Something always slips in and stops me from full reconciliation.  But with God, I have the strength to fully forgive and forget.  To sow back together relationships that were broken and ready to be abandoned.
Almighty One
I am always in awe of what God can do.  Through all of these other names I’ve written about – he has done a mighty work in my life.  This year my focus is on recognizing his hand at work in my present life.  He is the Almighty.  He is alive.  I believe these things, but it’s hard to see his hand at work in the present.  I can look back and see his fingerprints on every step of the way, but to really be in tune with him and see his hand in the present has been hard.  To see him in the midst of my crappy weeks, the times when everything seems to be chaos.  I cling to faith but am I truly able to see his hand at work?  I’m trying, I know He’s Almighty – I know he will do a great work.  I know He is Alive.  I trust that he will work all these things for his good.

What are your names for God?

Posted on

we all wanna know how it ends

I’ve always felt a little like an outsider.
I grew up in a small town on the east coast where I was the only kid in my class with two working parents.  I was also the only kid in my class from a biracial family.
Then we moved back to CO to be near family, but we had been gone for most of my life so even with family I was the outsider.
After I became a Christian, I was different than my friends.  I lived at home through college straddling life at home and life in college while everyone else ate dorm food and had late night study sessions.
I started working at churches where I was always one of the only women on staff and the only person not raised in a Christian home.  References would be made to things “we all grew up with” and I would stare back blankly or fake nod like I understood.
I attended our denomination’s seminary and came face to face with the reality that while my denomination values multiculturalism and women in ministry both are still a minority in a white male dominated profession.
I’ve never really felt like I fit.  When I was younger, it was an insecurity.  I saw myself as so different from my peers that I would just mold myself to fit in with them.  I played up my white side in order to fit with the other girls at the lunch table.  I wouldn’t talk about how my nanny helped me with my homework because my parents were working.  I would force myself to try and fit in with my cousins, even though all the stories were of times and places I wasn’t a part of.  I taught myself to be quiet because even though my opinion was different, theirs were louder.
But as I’ve grown up, I realize that my outsider nature is actually an asset.  Everyone strives to fit in, everyone struggles with being just like everyone else.  But I was given a story for a specific purpose – and I’m working on finding mine.
I was listening to a podcast this morning with author Sally Lloyd Jones.  She said that someone once told her that all writers need two things to be good – to have been transplanted from one place to another in their childhood and to have a deep wound in their childhood.  I’m not sure how true that is, although neither was Sally – but it got me thinking…
All these experiences have convinced me that my voice isn’t good enough.  I’ve been on the outside for so long, I’ve felt wounded by the exclusion of not fitting into the box that everyone else fit into.  And while there is portion of that burden on their shoulders, there is also a portion of it on my shoulders.
I’ve allowed it to happen.  I’ve faded into the background instead of working through the pain.  I’ve said that it’s easier not to rock the boat than to speak my truth.  I’ve allowed it to happen because it’s too hard, in my eyes, to try and speak up.
But Sally’s words spoke to something deep inside of me.  That my story needed to get out.  That my voice matters and that while others have told me that repeatedly, I need to give myself permission to speak.
God’s been moving, stirring in my heart for a few months now.  He’s working me up into a tizzy that can no longer be silent.  Now it’s up to me – to have the courage to share, courage to speak up, courage to use my experiences to help others see what life looks like on the outside.  To pour into others on the outside and give them the mic to speak.
We all have stories that need to be heard.  We all need to self-edit to keep the message relevant, but maybe it’s time for me to self edit just a little less.

Posted on

I know I love you

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.  It’s the combination of retreat season and our denomination’s pastors’ conference a couple weeks ago.  Add in a couple of new things going on in my “normal (non ministry)” world and you get the insane pace I’ve been running lately.  My apartment has been in a constant state of chaos – laundry half done, books scattered and shoes/purses everywhere.  Where did I get all these bags and shoes?!
All that to say, I’ve popping back in for a little #FridayFive and an update.  I’ve been keeping up fairly well with all my 2016 healthy habits – except keeping my apartment clean and blogging.  But I have been writing more – they just aren’t quite ready for mass consumption yet – they’re coming soon, I hope.
But today’s #FridayFive topic got me intrigued, especially with Valentine’s day this weekend.  I’ve been so thankful recently for all my wonderful friends who do life beside me (even from afar).  So today’s topic is giving me a chance to talk about how to love well! So here we go!

#FridayFive: Five Ways to Show Your Love

From your Love Language
The other day one of my friends said to me, “My love language is quality time, so you must know I love you because spend a lot of time together.” We all have ways that are easiest for us to express love.  My love languages are touch and quality time.  When I’m expressing love for my friends it’s by spending time with them, just us, talking about life or doing something together.  I’m also a hugger – which makes some people uncomfortable so I lean more on the time one with some people.  The easiest way to show your love is to know what your predispositions are and then love well out of them.
Learning their Love Language
I have an older brother and like most brother-sister relationships we sometimes have a communication issue.  There was a season of life where I felt like I really needed him to be there for me and he always seemed really distant.  The ways I needed him to love me weren’t happening and it was really frustrating.  I was getting ready to move across the country and he took my car to get serviced, washed it inside and out and then packed all my belongings inside of it.  That’s when it hit me – his love language is service.  It was never on my radar because how often do brothers and sisters actually serve each other.  I looked at him through a new lens that day – recounting all the ways he’s always taken care of me, subtly.  It changed our relationship completely.  I was able to appreciate him more which made me love him better.
Brag on your friends
There’s this hashtag going around lately: #FangirlYourFriends, I’m not sure if we started it but my For the Love sisters have been doing it really well.  They are bragging on each other and their endeavors all over the internet.  We all know it feels good to be recognized for the things we are doing, to be encouraged in those moments that we feel like all our work is fruitless.  I think we need to take to the internet and brag on our friends more.  Fangirl away, or Fanguy (is that a thing?) away!  Whether publicly or privately – if you see your loved ones doing their life well, tell them and tell the world.  What if the internet was just all of us bragging on each other instead of pulling people down?  I’d read that Facebook feed!
Be Kind
Kindness is contagious.  It’s the best and easiest way (in my humble opinion) to show Christ’s love in our world.  I often say you should be kind simply because you don’t know what the person standing in front of you has gone through that day.  Following the rule of being kind helps you to not accidentally stomp on someone’s heart.
Then I heard a quote today on a podcast that really hit me.  The podcaster said, “If you’re not kind on the internet, you’re not a kind person.”  It really struck me.  The internet is the place where we get to say what we “really mean” so if that’s the case, this quote is true.  The internet gives us the freed to share with little accountability.  Think about that as we go into this political season.  I’m not saying don’t call out truth, I’m saying to do it with love and kindness.
Don’t be afraid to love
I know I’m typing this one for my own benefit more than anything.  Don’t let past hurts keep you from showing love to others.  I’m a very guarded person.  I’ve been hurt a lot by close people, so I only let certain people in.  But it means that I am sometimes fearful to share how I really feel.  I shut down instead of express myself.  I’m working on getting better at it, but it’s a process.  When we hold back our expressions of love, it’s holding back the chance for deeper relationships with others.  That whole “love your neighbor” commandment Jesus gave us – we’re not doing it well when we allow the pain of the past to hinder our expressions of love.  We aren’t being Christ when we’re too worried about the pain it will cause ourselves.  This one takes work, painful work of digging into your past pains and risk of loving people who may not be able to return it.  But I think it’s worth it.  I’ll let you know when I find out.

This weekend is our High School Winter Retreat – so I will be spending Valentine’s at one of my favorite camps with my some of my favorite HS kids.  Plus some of my closest friends will also be there, so I’m looking forward to showing love this weekend!

How are you showing love this weekend?

As always, I’m linking up with my FTL sister Kelly for #FridayFive.  Click over to her post on Five Ways to Show a Stranger the Love of God!

Posted on

Breath of life I breathe you in

IMG_3544Today was one of those days when the schedule you start off with in the morning doesn’t end up being the one you stick to.  Each morning I tend to think through my day and plan it out a bit.  But today, my plan went out the window.  By the time I got home after youth group tonight, I hadn’t done my reading yet.  So I climbed into my bed with my bible and journal and I opened it up to Genesis.
A few weeks ago I wrote about finding rhythm in my crazy messy life.  I’ve made some good changes and have surprisingly stuck to them thus far, two and a half weeks in.  One of those things was to follow a reading plan and read through the bible in a year.  I picked a plan that has 5 readings per week, which I thought was good enough since I have never really done something like this before.
And so far, I’ve made it.  I’m going into week three feeling good.  I’m figuring out this whole Bible journaling thing, making it work for me.  And I’m learning a lot, diving into God’s Word.
But the biggest thing to come out of this time has been my One Word for the year.  Our church (like many churches) has been doing One Word for a few years now.  It’s been a really good process for the last few years.  I have/God has picked some good words over the last few years that have really helped me grow as a person and in my relationship with Him.  My words have included: Stand Out, Bold, Gracious and some others that to be honest – I cannot remember.
This year I really wanted a good word.  One rich with meaning, one that was going to push me (but not too hard) and one that was really truly from God.  So of course, in my listening, I started telling God a few options.  Maybe heartbeat or just heart, or love, or … or…  what about …. Then one day it just happened.  I was reading Genesis, my second or third day on the reading plan and the word almost jumped out at me.
ALIVE
In the context of the story I was reading, it wasn’t a profound word.  But it popped out, as if I had some sort of mental highlighter that was causing it to become neon yellow.
ALIVE
So when I finished the reading of the day, I pulled out my journal and started reading.  I did a quick word search to find where else it popped up in the Bible and found this verse in Hebrews:

For the Word of God is alive and powerful

And then a section from Ephesians 2:

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness towards us in Christ Jesus.

And I started journaling, almost like a note from God to me, calling to me, challenging me to believe that He is ALIVE.
I mean I know He is ALIVE.  I know that he is at work in the world all around me, but sometimes I don’t live that way.  Sometimes I don’t place that trust in him.  I’m too afraid that I’m going to miss out that I start to hedge my bets with my own money.  But the reality is that we can’t miss out on what God’s doing if we are really looking for it, if we are conscious of the Spirit’s movement in our lives.
So my word for the year is ALIVE.  I’m accepting the challenge of living in the truth that God is ALIVE rather than living in the fear and stress that I have to make it happen on my own.  In my life, in my ministry, in my relationships – He is ALIVE and gives me life.  He makes me ALIVE in him.
I’ve always been pretty good at seeings his work in retrospect.  I mean hindsight is 20/20 right?  I’ve never been very good at slowing myself down enough to hear his voice in the midst of everything.  To feel his prompting and see his hand at work while it’s still working.
Since that first week though, he’s been revealing new things to me each day.  It’s almost as if he’s saying, “I’ve been here all along, just waiting for you to look my way and see my hand at work.”  And I’m just now noticing all the ways he surrounds me each day.  I give it up to him and he shows up … each time.  In ways I never would have expected.  But he does.  And I am beyond grateful.
I can’t wait to see what else he has for us this year.
 

Posted on

C'mon get rhythm

While I was in Denver for Christmas I had dinner with one of my closest and oldest friends.  We’ve known each other since college which means she’s been by my side through a lot of life.
We really cemented our friendship back then because we were both living at home during college and commuting to school via bus.  She’d get on the bus down by her house then a few stops later I’d get on.  She’d save me a seat and I would entertain her with my naive and immature antics.  She was the kind of person who got up early, ate a well balanced breakfast, stopped for coffee and calmly boarded the bus and chose a seat in the front.  I was the kind of person who barely woke up on time, rushed to get ready and clamored on the bus with a diet coke and pop tarts in my hand, collapsing in the seat next to her.
I wish I was kidding.
While we were catching up, we were talking about our routines.  She’s a really structured person, still – and I’m still mostly a hot mess.  I mean I’ve grown a lot, I no longer drink diet coke at 7:00 a.m. But I still have a hard time with this mysterious thing people call rhythm.
I’ve long surpassed the time when a rhythmless life is acceptable, but I blame it on two things – being single/childless and my job.  I don’t have a normal 9-5 and there are no kids around to dictate my schedule.  Therefore, I make up my own and as I’ve learned about myself – I have fairly little discipline in my personal life.  I mean the big things I can handle but going to bed at a reasonable time?  Not sleeping in too late? Not watching too much TV?  There’s not much hope for me there.  (That’s a little bit of a joke.)
The problem is my weekly schedule has no real structure.  Sure there’s a meeting or two that happens every week but for the most part, it changes week to week.  At least 1-2 nights a week are late nights at church but it’s never the same two nights.  I have the freedom to work from home or a coffee shop – which is great, but sometimes too much freedom makes it difficult.  Scheduling regular times to work out, cook, clean, do laundry etc has become a challenge.  I think, I have plenty of time to do that later in the week and then it never happens.
But alas – we are in a new year and it’s time to make some resolutions right?  No – I’m still not a resolution person.  But people all around me are starting new things, so let’s see if I can!
I’ve tried a lot of different techniques over the years that work for a couple weeks and then don’t anymore.  I’m still not sure how I’m going to do it, but that’s part of the adventure right?
Here’s my list of things I hope to get back into my life on the regular:
Taking care of myself physically
This encompasses a lot of different things.. vitamins, work outs, sleep and cooking myself real meals.  These are all things I struggle with but know I need.  I need to eat better and spend less money on going out.  I need sleep (duh!).  I need to work out, more for my sanity than for anything else (and there’s a gym in my complex!) And I need to get back into taking my vitamins – especially vitamin D.  Moving from Colorado to Illinois was hard if only because of the lack of sunshine here.  If you struggle during the winter months – vitamin D really does make a difference!
Less TV, more other things.
Living alone means that sometimes I use TV as background noise.  I find myself struggling to find something to watch and then not actually watching it.  So one thing I’m going to try for a season is not turn the TV on before 6:00 p.m. with the only exception on ONE of my days off.  Let’s see if replacing TV with music helps me to not go crazy in my quiet apartment.  (And don’t tell me to enjoy the silence – I don’t and I just can’t do it.)
The other piece of this puzzle is to listen to more podcasts, more regularly.  I have gotten into the habit of listening to some while I get ready and while I drive and it really changes out I interact with the world.  I’m currently listening to the Relevant Podcast, Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey, Serial and to keep me laughing – Heather Dubrow’s World.
Uping my Spiritual Life game
One thing I’ve been really lacking in my life is intentional time in God’s word.  (What?!  But your a pastor! How can that be?)  I’ve fallen into that trap that a lot of pastors do – I only read the bible when I need to for work.  Sure, I read other books and devotionals that reference the bible, but actual time with the bible – it’s very limited.  So this year I’m joining a challenge set by one of the women I follow on Instagram – to read the whole bible chronologically in 2016.  I got a new journaling Bible for Christmas so I’m pretty excited.
More writing
And of course – like I say every time I post – I’m going to write more.  Hopefully I will be chronically how I do with getting these things into my life.  Plus I will keep up with the #FridayFives.
Here’s to trying to find rhythm to my hodge podge lifestyle in 2016.  What are you trying new in 2016?
 

Posted on

we've got dinner reservations with our friends later tonight

It’s #FridayFive Day!  And this one is intriguing to me!  Kelly writes about her Five Dinner Guests that she wants to invite over.  She chose five women to speak into her life.  I’m going in a similar vein but a little differently – Five Dinner Parties I’d love to throw and the people I’d want to gather around my table.  Women I love and/or admire that I’d invite over for some good food.
FIVE-DINNER-GUESTS-1024x512
My people.
I borrow this phrase from Grey’s Anatomy – the people in my life that I choose to surround myself with who lift me up and care for me the most.  These women are my ride or die friends, and they are scattered all over the US now.  One in Northern Cali, one in Seattle, three in Denver, three here in Illinois.  I’d gather them all around my table and watch them interact.  We’d laugh, share stories and talk about what God’s done in our lives.  Someday – I hope this is a reality.
The women whose words have changed me
There are a few authors and speakers whose books have significantly impacted my life.  Women who have bravely shared their stories in writing and encourage others to do so as well.  I’d love to meet each of these women, I’d love to be mentored by them, but at the very least, I’d love to sit around a table and hear about their journeys.  This invite list would include Jen Hatmaker, Shauna Niequist, Sarah Bessey, Rachel Held Evans, Bianca Juarez-Olthoff and probably more that I’m forgetting.
The Real Housewives
I know, I know – I shouldn’t be admitting this but I love the Real Housewives shows.  It’s my guilty pleasure – I find them fascinating and season after season I find myself intrigued by what’s going on in their lives.  I don’t condone a lot of what they say or do but a lot of them actually seem like fascinating women.  I’d be really interested in sitting down with them – probably at Villa Blanca and just observe them.  That dinner would be Bethenny Frankel, Heather Thompson, Heather Dubrow, Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle Richards, Caroline Manzo… I think that’s all.
The Celebrities
While we’re talking about famous people – let’s just get this one out of the way.  Famous women who inspire and fascinate me.  Women who’ve used their platform to encourage and lift up other women.  I want to gather them all up, at some random New York restaurant and hear their stories.  Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling, Amy Poehler, Kerry Washington, Jenna Fischer, Angela Kinsey, Sara Bareilles, Drew Barrymore.
Pastors and World Changers
These are women, within my denomination or who I’ve met through church and work.  For them I’d make it more of a retreat, a time away that we could rest from ministry and pour into each others lives.  This one is last in list but close to my heart.  I’d invite friends and pastors I admire, seminary professors who poured into me.  I would love to have them mentor me, encourage me, walk alongside me.  These are women who have been doing ministry a lot longer than me, who I would love to learn from.
Who would you invite to dinner if you could?