The lyrics to this song have been playing over in my head for a few weeks now. These lines in particular:
It seems as if all my bridges have been burned
You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive at the restart
I’m not going to pretend that I am inside this song writer’s head at all, but I’ve been mulling over what exactly he may mean in these lyrics, and in this whole song. I don’t wanna over spiritualize the song because it’s not a Christian band but at the same time, I know that the band members at one time or another were all followers of Christ, regardless of what their current beliefs are. That being said, let’s talk about these lyrics for a few minutes.
There’s a part of me that thinks that this song is about grace within a community and maybe the way that people interact with each other. That line that says, “You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works” in response to his saying that he feels like all his bridges are burned … that line has been etched into my mind these last couple weeks. So last night, while listening to this band, I decided to feel out what my friends thought of this lyric. So I found the exact lyrics and asked for thoughts.
“It kind of sounds a little Prodigal Son-y”
I thought about this some and came to the conclusion that she was right. I’m not sure that it was the long walk of shame back to his father that helped to change the heart of the son, but rather the welcome he got when he admitted it was time for a new start. That’s how this grace thing works.
Then I started thinking about it within community. How do we play out this grace thing in community? I mean our eternal life depends on our personal relationship with Jesus and the Lord but for some people, they need to see how this grace thing works on earth, with real people. So then I begin to wonder about how grace plays out with those around us.
See grace is tricky. I think it is something you learn to be good at. I think it takes a lot of trial and error. But I also don’t think we ever really master it. I think it’s something best lived out in community, honest hard messy community. Because I think for us to really be able to be a community, to show each other grace, it requires a vulnerability that is hard. A vulnerability that puts us at risk of getting hurt.
The problem with that vulnerability is that we are just sheep, as Jesus calls us. It’s not a compliment, it’s more of a scapegoat. Sheep are dumb animals, they need a leader to show them where to go. And sometimes, sheep bite each other. They don’t really know they’re doing it or why they’re doing it but it happens. And sometimes, we as people bite each other without meaning it, without trying or knowing why. We are just sheep being sheep.
And that fact makes it hard to have grace with each other. Because the bites are painful and they hurt. And sometimes we tend to shut down after they happen, but that’s not how this grace thing works. We have to learn to give grace unconditionally and continue to give ourselves. Continue to walk alongside others in the midst of the crap that we do to each other.
But that’s hard. and at times it feels like it’s not worth it. It feels like we need to shut down when we get hurt. It feels like we have to put that stone back so as to prevent that hurt from ever happening again. But we have to fight that. We have to try and continue to let people in enough to hurt us.
This is no easy task. It’s hard. And I have no answers as to how to do it well considering it’s something I struggle with. But I think it’s worth thinking about at the very least.
been talking about the way things change
Hebrew break time.
Thanks to those of you who put in input for my sermon last week…namely just the four of you. If you feel so inclined to see what I came up with you can click HERE to find an audio of my sermon. Don’t feel bad if you don’t want to, I’d understand. I rarely want to listen to sermons online so you’ll get extra friend points if you do.
So, instead of writing out on here the things I preached on, instead I’m going to reflect on the process of sermonizing (a word I think I might have just made up although maybe not?) So here goes some random thoughts on what this process looked like for me.
I picked the passage Isaiah 43:1-7. Upon talking through some thoughts with my friend/Worship Arts Director at my church, Paul, I came up with a basic theme and direction for the sermon. I basically was choosing to talk about what we should do when faced with adversity in this life. Mostly the kind of adversity that we cannot control. What do we do when life just sort of sucks? (I said it a bit more eloquently on Sunday, don’t worry…I didn’t offend anyone). So I chose to look into these words that the Lord speaks to the people in Babylonian exile and see how they could speak into our lives. Little did I know it was going to be intense. …. alright, so I did know.
I started looking through commentaries because I was really intrigued by this passage and to be honest, I wasn’t exactly sure how it lined up with the history I learned in OT. So I searched. I started to see how the words of the Lord would have applied to these people and realized an even deeper meaning than I had even imagined.
Isaiah begins and ends this particular passage recognizing God as the Creator. The crux of the this passage is found in the middle where it says “Because you are precious in my eyes, and honoured, and I love you.” The last thing that tugged on my heart was the use of the phrase – “you are redeemed.”
So let’s put those things together and think about this for a moment. We are precious in the eyes of the Creator of the universe and because of that love, we are called redeemed.
Did you get that? The same God that spoke the world into being LOVES us. Not only that, but he calls us precious and redeems us. The commentators point out that the form of the verb used for redeemed shows a complete action. It’s already been done for us.
So when we face the flooding waters and the consuming fire of this life, we have the ability to draw into the embrace of the Father and hear these reassuring words. Even though it seems like these raging rivers and fires are going to over take us because we don’t have the full picture. Even though there is evil in this world that we can do nothing about… God is God. He is the creator of the universe and he chooses to love and protect us.
SO… from that reality we must live. We must live into communities that support each other through the storm. Because, friends, it’s not a matter of if the storm is going to come into your life, it’s a matter of when. And when that storm comes, will you be completely dependent on God? Completely dependent on those around you that also know God is good?
Because sometimes, instead of being dependent on God and our community, we become dependent on a life circumstance. And when the bottom falls out of that, we are left in the shambles. But if you’re dependent on God and those around you, at least you have people around to help you rebuild.
One year and five months ago, as part of a bible study exercise I identified the biggest fear I had at that time. I had to fill in the blank of the statement. “If ______________ happens, then I’ll be wrecked.” In that bible study I learned to replace that sentence with “if _________________happens, then there’s God.” I didn’t learn it a moment too soon. Then, two months later, my blank happened. That thing I feared, that phone call I never wanted to come, that news that brought me to my knees.
But there was God. and a community of believers that surrounded me and helped me to start rebuilding.
So, friends, a lot of these reflections happened post sermon, but the basics were there on Sunday and one really big thing I learned is that I really like preaching. And while I was really nervous and I know that there were things I could have done better, overall the experience was really good. Because God is good, and that’s all I have to say about that.
darkness is a harsh term, don't you think?
—and yet it dominates the things I see.
Did you know life’s not fair? Did you know that sometimes bad things happen to good people? I’m not talking about you spilled your latte on your white dress (although that does suck). I’m talking about the unjust things that are a product of the fallen world. I’m talking about the fact that things exist like cancer, racism, hate crimes, death in general, MS, poverty, sexism, rape, molestation … obviously the list goes on. So in the midst of a world where you are constantly faced with the unfair systems of this world, how do you find the faith to keep walking? How do you find the strength to get out of bed everyday and try and make a difference?
Now before you say to yourself, “wow, Alicia is really going through something” let me tell you that I’m preaching on this subject this Sunday. But mostly I want to draw from my group of friends, fellow seminary students, former students, all those close to me:
What are the things that keep you going through the darkness? What are the moments in life that allow you to “keep the faith”?
More to come on this topic as I continue to flush it out with the passage I’m preaching on. I don’t want to jade any comments so please, comment away with whatever comes to mind.
like a deer in the headlights
I spent this past week up in the glorious mountains at the 126th Annual Meeting of the Evangelical Covenant Church. Oh yeah, and the Feast, which was also fun. In case you don’t know, the Feast is an event for families, it happens every three years and consists of worship, family activities, learning experiences and time to refresh your soul. The Annual Meeting is for church delegates and pastors to get together and do the business side of running a denomination. There’s voting, ordaining, remembering, updating and lots and lots of corny jokes.
My role for the weekend was basically to do whatever the Events staff needed done. It included checking people in, driving shuttles, picking up Starbucks VIA, ushering, greeting, moving boxes, and a variety of other jobs. There was also worship and lots of fancy phrases like, “I move to resolve…” and “All in favor say ….” But for me there were much more important moments.
I was looking forward to this time in Estes Park mostly because I was going to get the chance to hang out with some very good friends that I had missed during my first few weeks of summer. However, I had no idea how much fun I would have and how renewed I would feel after this week (Or how tired I would be after helping with these events…seriously, so tired).
There were a lot of fun moments, including going on the zip line through through the mountain scenery with some dear friends, worship, sharing some of my story in front of a very large crowd of people, sharing laughter with friends that were new and old, and even some trips to Starbucks.
However, probably the most significant time was spent processing some of my recent discoveries about the last year of life. This happened in various ways, with others and by myself and I’m thankful for all of them. Being home this time has been much harder than past times. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that Colorado no longer really feels like home. I’m realizing that the life that I built in Chicago is a significant one. I’m involved in a church, I have friends who wade though the depths with me, I go to school, I (sort of) have a job … I have a complete life. And that’s not to say that I don’t love Colorado, or that I don’t love the people here. It’s merely to say that I am different then I was when I lived here and this is more of a place that I visit than a place that I live.
Life is meant to be lived alongside others. I am so very thankful for the people that God has placed in my life this year. Even if some of them are moving on from Seminary and even if my community will look differently next year than it did this year, I am excited to get back to Chicago and see what God has for this year. It should be a good one.
This past week was full of moments where I could do nothing but stand in awe at God’s work in my life and the lives of my friends, and in awe of his love for us. It almost felt like I was a deer in the headlights, as though I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, all I could do was stare at his glory. Those moments in life are the kinds of things that keep me in check. Keep me smiling and trucking on when things are harder than they should be, harder than God intended them to be. Because this life…it’s unfair at times. And in those times it’s good to reach back and see where God has been faithful to you.
I will make my boast in Christ alone
Like I said, this past week was VBS week. I got the chance to be a sort of assistant director in charge of the high school and jr high leaders. I’ve held this position before and once all the pre-work is done it basically means that I get the chance to participate in all aspects of VBS. Once you train the volunteers, sort t-shirts, decorate the church, co-ordinate the band and tech and sound, teach the motion girls the motions we made up, blah blah blah …. all there is left to do is have fun with the 250 4-12 year olds that sign up.
The most stressful part of the VBS morning for me, honestly, is the first 15 minutes. That’s our opening program which I was in charge of “producing.” So every morning I would make sure that the slides were right in MediaShout, that the sound and the powerpoint guy were ready, that the band was ready to go, blah blah blah. It was honestly really fun because that’s where I find a lot of joy in church work.
The other place of joy in church work I find is in the relationships and VBS is a breeding ground for relationships. Here’s a little insight to what I got to do this week, I basically walked around handing out stickers to children. Between making sure all our leaders were doing their job and those little detail-y things, I simply walked around to all the stations and talked with the kids. It was such a joy and so much fun. Here are a few things that I got to be a part of this week:
A conversation with a group of first grade girls (I did not make this up):
Girl 1: Alicia, you have the best sunglasses ever!
Me: Thanks hun!
Girl 2: I like them more! They are like the greatest in the whole world!
Me: Aw, Thanks!
Girl 3: Well I like your name tag!
Girl 1: I like your name tag too!
Girl 2: You’re the best!
Girl 3: Yeah! the Best Ever!
Me: Well you girls are pretty awesome too!
A conversation with a first grade boy:
Me: Do you remember me from last year?
Him: Kinda, I think you gave good high fives.
Me: We were buddies last year, remember?
Him: Well I remember the high fives..
Me: Good enough for me
**we high five**
Another great highlight was a fourth grader named Aspen who was a big fan of giving me hugs and telling me how she thought I was cooler than her leader (my guy friend.) Then there was first grader Maya who I am pretty sure never actually said anything to me but gave me a lot of hugs and ended up being the daughter of my HS drama teacher.
Now, I sometimes get a little down on the silliness of VBS and the way that it’s a whole lot of work and I question about whether or not there is retention in these little ones. But this morning as we were singing this song called “I Will Boast” it sort of hit me. This may not be a profound moment for these kids, but the basic biblical truths that we are echoing every day to them, the thought that God is Wild about You!, may be silly, but it’s truth that they need to hear, even at a young age.
The lyrics of the song we were singing was talking about how we shouldn’t boast in riches, wisdom or strength but rather be humble and give thanks. The chorus simply states, “I will boast in the Lord my God, I will boast in the one who’s worthy.” I like the thought of these kids learning this lesson young, even if at 4, little Ainsley doesn’t fully get it, it’s a conversation starter, a seed planted at a young age. With cool motions to go with it.
The point that I guess I’m making is the fact that we are merely planting seeds in the lives of these little ones, but at the same time, as they look up to us we must be the example to them. Where I put my trust, my faith, what I boast in, those are the things that they take notice of. And I need to know that and it helps me keep in mind that I need to make my boast in Christ alone.
He is awesome
This week is VBS. So for the last weekish I’ve been eating, sleeping and breathing Pandamania. It has been pretty exhausting. But yesterday morning started the pay off. 250 kids showed up to learn about God and how much he loves us.
It’s just a joy to see these kids come in, some that have been coming every year, some that are new this year. It’s so fun to be a part of all the action. It’s been fun being able to be the person behind the opening and closing sessions. But the relationships with the kids and the leaders is by far the most rewarding. It’s so fun to see how these kids grow and see how they experience God. It’s also amazing to watch volunteers from our church step up and serve in places where they are gifted. I am more and more thankful to see the way that God has created people so vastly different and allow them to serve in ways that they are uniquely gifted.
It makes the hours of painting, group arranging, t-shirt sorting and name tag writing totally worth it.
come pick me up
Tonight an unexpected detour rerouted me about 15-20 minutes out of my way. Most days this would annoy me, especially at night after a long day of vbs preparation. But tonight it was a deep breath in. Let me explain.
I am an extrovert. I know this about myself, I’m a people person, I like people. But every now and then I need some quiet by myself time. And more specifically I need some quiet me and some music time. I need a few moments to listen to good music and not have to talk to anyone. I need permission to ignore everything and everyone around me and just breath in the sweet melodies of some of my favorite songs.
The other thing I need in my life is fresh air and wide open spaces. Tonight’s detour took me on some of my favorite back roads which do not have street lights. When I first got my license, these were the roads my mom hated me driving on, especially at night. I’m sure she had nightmares of me being stranded on the side of this road late at night. So in a lot of ways these roads meant freedom since it wasn’t until I was about 18 that my mom felt comfortable letting me drive on them at night.
This last part you might find weird, but whatever. I love to drive with my windows down. And sometimes it’s too cold outside to really have that be super enjoyable. Tonight was one of those nights. However, these backroads were so awesome and the air was so fresh I needed to roll my windows down. So I turned the heat all the way on and rolled the windows down.
So there I was, driving down the pitch black roads, listening to my music super loud, windows down, heat up. It was so beautiful and such a great end to my perfectly crazy, people filled day. I almost didn’t want it to end, but alas, it had to.
I love Colorado so much because of nights like this. Clean air and roads where you can feel like you’re the only person for miles. Mountains that remind you how small you are in this great big world. It might be cliche but I don’t care.
Sometimes I think that God gives me these moments in His creation to remind me how much he loves me. Cause tonight, that road, the mountains, the fresh air, even the sweet melodies coming through my speakers were all meant just for me. Like a little gift from God reminding me that I’m his beloved child. And some days that’s all you need.
God knows I've been naive…
…but I think it makes him proud of me.
Ah … Summer. Deep breaths of air filled with the smells of grilling and a hint of sunscreen. The sounds of laughter and good music floating all around you. Gentle creaks of the porch swings and books that take you to far away places that only exist in someone’s imagination. The knowledge that it doesn’t matter how late you stay up because tomorrow morning the only thing that awaits you is a cup of really good coffee. That’s the name of the game for this girl, at least for a little bit.
This past week and a half has been filled with all of these things and more. I know that this won’t last forever, especially since Hebrew will be here before I know it but until then, I’m enjoying the laziness of no work, no classes and no responsibility. This last year was a challenging one, getting back into school mode, moving to a new city and finding a new community to call my own. It was rewarding to say the least, totally worth it. I know this because even though I love being at home, I find myself longing to be back in my little apartment on Carmen and staying out late with friends.
But for a period of time I am here, in the sunshine of Colorado (if the sun comes back out ever). I am able to see my goddaughter off when she leaves for China and welcome her back to hear all her crazy stories. I am able to celebrate my niece’s 6th birthday with a bowling Justin Beiber party, I am able to rock my 9 month old niece to sleep in our over stuffed black chair. I am able to have long lunches/dinners/coffees with my dear friends that have known me so long we have trouble remembering when/how we became friends in the first place.
My summer is all about slow, deliberate movements or more so, moments. It’s about the time you take to slow down and enjoy the people and things around you but to be deliberate in those moments. To draw near to those who are called “loved ones” and to pull away from those who make you feel less of who you know you are. Part of the reason for this, in my case, is merely the amount of time I have here and with certain people. The farther away I move from this home state of mine, the more I realize that my time spent here is so very valuable. And this may be my last extended visit here and I’m trying my hardest to be intentional in who and where I spend my time.
I joke about “the one thing I’ve learned in seminary” with various people. My answer usually depends on the crowd but I will say, one of the more valuable lessons I’ve learned is to enjoy the people I’m with at any given moment. Authentic community grows out of being present in people’s lives. To shut off the digital world and spend time with the people in front of you. Which is part of the reason I quit “the book” … to sort of force my relationships to be more authentic.
So, if I lack the time or energy to blog this summer, then so be it. But I predict I may be blogging more, simply because of the mere fact that I like sharing my life here, the things I’m learning and battling with. And I’m sure those will be a lot, since I am currently reading 4 books. (not an all time high for me, but up there) as well as spending time with people who bring out that introspective part of my personality. Those who spend the time calling me on my crap and allowing me to process the jumbled mess that I call my head. I’m looking forward to more of this life here and hopefully sharing it with you all that read the blog…. all five of you.
Lastly, because Jill likes to tell me that my blog titles rarely relate to my posts, or make sense (pot – kettle), this blog title comes from a song I found from Steph’s blog a few weeks ago and it struck a chord in my heart. It’s called Naive by Sleeping at Last and in a lot of ways I think it sums up my first year of seminary. You can read into this statement whatever you like, but instead you should maybe just ask me why.
everything's closer to the end
The end of the semester is upon me. I am 3 papers, 2 finals and 1 test away from the freedom of Summer. In attempts to cleanse my palate a bit as I’m in the middle of paper writing, I thought I would try and reflect a bit on what has been going on in life as well as what’s coming up… we’ll see how it works. So totally random and in no specific order, here’s what’s going on up in my head …
- I was elected President of our Student Association. Before you get all impressed, I ran unopposed so there was no competition, but still, I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is kind of a big deal. So far, not much has changed except that I’m suddenly super visible on campus and people are starting to call me “Madame President” and the rare couple of people enjoy saluting me in the library, on the green space and in the Seminary building. But basically, little has really changed …. yet. I know the change is coming, I know it’s happening soon, I just can’t wrap my head around it quite yet.
- I’m starting to realize how much my community here has blessed me and shaped me within this first year of seminary. I look at those around me and realize just how much of an impact they have had on me. The people who have pushed me to be a better version of myself, those who have made me stumble in challenging ways, those who have broadened my interests to include things like the Lord of the Rings movies, and those that have taught me valuable life lessons – like self-confidence. It is almost impossible to leave a community like this unchanged, and I think this year has changed me a lot, in a lot of good ways. I’m looking forward to continuing this community in coming years but realizing how much it will change with a new class coming in as an older class graduates and moves on.
- I am not ready to spend two and a half months away from the roommate.
- I am, however, excited to spend six whole weeks with my nieces and the goddaughter. I think I’m going to teach Bizzy to walk so that I don’t miss her first steps…
- I survived my first Chicago winter, and while the spring is slowly arriving, I am excited for the Colorado summer ahead of me, at least part of it.
- I babysit three children on a regular basis, different families – their names all started with Es. I think E-names might be trending right now.
- I do not miss facebook, not even a little bit.
- After several conversations lately with a new friend I realized … I really miss the dance world.
- Research papers are way more fun when you’re passionate about the topics. I’m writing one right now on the lives of John and Spencer Perkins and the Christian’s call to Racial Reconciliation. Boo-yah.
- Friendships/Relationships are messy and sometimes they hurt like hell, but if you can make it through the pain, there’s beauty on the other side.
- Some days, coffee and music are the only things that help me survive…my own personal gifts from the Lord.
So that’s the mumbled jumbled mess inside my head. I like to call it “end of semester brain.” It’s an interesting place. However, in exactly 10 days my first year of Seminary will be complete and I will be free to sip coffee and read for pleasure all my days. It shall be glorious.
in your dark moments
I was reading the “Note from the editor” in the Covenant Companion the other day and it really struck a chord in me. She was writing on the story of Mary Magdalene meeting Jesus outside the tomb and not knowing that its Jesus until he says her name. “Mary.” Then she suddenly realized it was him. (John 20). I can’t imagine that moment, when she’s crying because the one who saved her from everything has been killed. Suddenly someone is invading her crying time, she thinks he is a gardener – asking her why she’s crying. She explains and he just says her name and her eyes are opened. It’s a beautiful scene.
In this “From the Editors” section, the writer talks about how we are so desperate for someone to know us, that “someone would see past our bravado or our tears or our quiet pretense and actually see us.” She points out that of course, Jesus is the one to see us in those places. And when we turn toward him, we receive the healing that only comes from God. She goes on to say that once we respond to Jesus’s call, then we can begin to truly see those around us. To see the places where those in our lives are trying to hide their burdens and suffer alone. We can share in those struggles together by listening, noticing and loving.
For a little over a week now it has seemed like a few of my close friends in seminary have been in some serious struggles. And what has been really cool is the chance that we’ve gotten to be there for each other. To truly step into each others lives and be present. To share moments together that we will look back on with fond memories. They were moments of prayers, tears, hugs, inappropriate laughter, movies to help us escape, cookies, slurpies and being Christ in each others lives.
I know this community doesn’t stay this way forever, it’s the nature of being in Seminary. People go on internship, new students come in, we travel for the summers, people graduate and move on in life. But on some level, it makes me realize how much more valuable this community is right now. In life we have the tendency to hold back, not let people care for us until we’ve reached some euphoric level of friendship. And yes, you don’t have to share things right off the bat that are hard and painful with people to get to the place where care can happen.
Instead, you just have to show up. To notice. To listen. and to love. You don’t have to understand what people are going through or even know, you just have to be there in a tangible way. And this week, my community around me did that for each other and it was one of those moments in my life that I took a heart picture and thought, “This is Church.”