(I’m trying to get in the habit of writing more – which I am not doing so well – which I feel like I’ve been trying for a year now!)
My mom and I have been having a lot of heart to hearts lately. A lot of hard conversations about our family life and what has transpired in it. We’ve talked about the root cause of a lot of pain in our family and how (or if) it could have been avoided.
You see, growing up in a family like mine, there are certain messages that get ingrained into your brain. Into the fabric of who you are. Messages that are like a broken record, skipping, stuck on short sentences that cut deeper and deeper every time they repeat. One of the biggest problems is that these repeating messages are reinforced by other messages we hear in our everyday lives. And when that happens the cuts get deeper, reopening wounds.
I used to think that if I just had enough faith. If I tried taping over those messages with the Truth of how God feels about me that I would never feel insecure again. That I would get to the place where I would never have to struggle with those hurtful messages anymore. I just needed to get strong enough. Block others out more. Look towards God more.
But I am starting to think that those messages are there forever, regardless of what I’m doing – they will always be playing in the background. But that each day I can choose to hear the reassuring words of my Savior and Lord over power them. That my faithful response is to acknowledge them but not let them take over.
Because the person that I am cannot just pretend those things did not happen. I cannot just choose joy over the pain, that would be fake for me. It’s not fake for everyone but it would be fake for me.
Instead I choose Truth over lies. Daily I choose to believe what my Almighty Father has said of me instead of the lies that I have been told about myself.
Because those cuts are real. And because we are sheep being sheep – others will say similar things about me in the future. The only way to move forward is to acknowledge the message, stop pretending they aren’t hurtful still and then choose Truth.
band-aids don't fix bullet holes
A few weeks ago I talked about being in the rough. About feeling like I was lost but at the same time mere feet from where I wanted to be, where I knew I needed to be.
Last weekend I went home, a quick little vacation to reconnect with myself. This weekend I reconnected with those around me.
Last weekend my Friday night consisted of family dinner and bed time snuggles. This weekend it was a warm dinner on a cold night alongside some great friends and catching up on our favorite shows. A low key night for Halloween while texting with my family.
Last weekend my Saturday was a pumpkin patch with my nieces and goddaughter and one on one time with my mom. This weekend it was a craft/nails/netflix day with a new friend who feels like an old friend.
I’ve always been really tentative with friends. Letting people in has always been hard for me, but not letting people in is harder on me. That’s why I’ve become pickier with who I choose to let in, who I allow to be in my inner circle.
I was once told that when Jesus compared us to sheep it wasn’t always a positive thing. Often times sheep get packed in close together and end up biting one another. The person sharing this wisdom told me that when sometimes as human we bite each other – we cause pain accidentally, because we are imperfect people. We’re just sheep being sheep.
In relationships, we bite one another. Sometimes accidentally, sometimes not so accidentally. This is why relationships are so hard, sinful people hurt other sinful people. We rely on the grace of God to fill in the gaps, to help us to forgive and try not to get hurt again. We need God to help protect our hearts and to give us guidance along the way.
In ministry, it’s important to surround yourself with safe people. People who you can be real with and who you can let in. It’s for that reason that I’m so unbelievably thankful for my friends. For those I spent this weekend with, for my Best Friend, for Roomsmate. For My People in CO. Thank you all for standing by me and for walking this path with me. Thank you for being my circle of trust.
it's hard to get around the wind
I attended a meeting at my home church while in town last week and all of the parents in the meeting corresponded with moments in my first few years of ministry experience.
Two sets of parents whose kids I taught in Sunday School when I was a teenager.
A handful of sets of parents whose kids were in the 5th and 6th grade program that I ran in my first internship.
One parent who fit in both the above and had a daughter I was in youth group with.
Before the meeting started one parent gave me a huge hug and said to me, “My son still has hanging in his room a note that you wrote him when you left here and every time I see it I think about you and wonder how you’re doing.” She asked where I was and I filled her in on the details.
But her statement kind of stuck to me. Her son was in 6th grade when I left. He was a staple at our gatherings with his best friend but was really shy and rarely talked to me. I never would imagine that he would still have that little note I wrote him all these years later. Now he’s a junior in high school. still a staple in their youth group, sings on their worship team. Like most my former students I get to see his life unfold via Facebook posts of our mutual friends.
In ministry, there are no guarantees. There are days filled with heart bursting joy, there are days filled with heart breaking sorry. And there are days that fit squarely in between those two extremes.
But some days you get the exact reminder you need that you’re still called to walk this journey with people when those days come you thank the Lord for his provision and strength.
quit these pretentious thoughts and just punch the clock
There’s a quote from 30 Rock that has been rolling around my head for the past week. Jack’s boss says to him, “You’re in the rough Jack, you got to get back on the fairway.”
Sometimes I get in these modes when stuff gets tough. I just tell myself to put my head down and get to work. And then I do just that, I put my head down, get the job done and when it’s over I look up and realize I have no idea where I am.
You’re in the rough, Jack. You got to get back on the fairway
I’ve never played golf but I know the difference between the rough and the fairway. I picture Jack in the rough, trying desperately to hit his ball out from behind trees, thick grass and weeds. Swing after swing, just using up his energy and hoping for that one good hit that will chip the ball back to the plush green of the fairway grass. The carefully manicured lawn where the golf ball is meant to be. To get back to where he feels in control of the situation.
I can imagine the frustration of someone pointing out to him that he’s in the rough. That where he currently stands swinging is not where he is meant to be. He knows it, you don’t have to point it out to him. He knows where the ball is supposed to go, and he’s got to figure out how to get it back there.
I looked up recently. Pulled my head out of the work and took a look around. Thick grass – check. Weeds – check. Trees blocking my view – check. A few wrong turns, misguided hits and suddenly I’ve landed myself right in the middle of the rough.
I’ve lost it. The momentum that got me here, which is maybe a good thing because here is not where I’m meant to be. Here is not good. Here is not the life intended for me. But I got here. I chose the wrong club, didn’t square my hips, just swung wildly and landed myself here, in the rough.
Luckily for me, each day is brand new. Each morning the sun rises and God’s riches and mercies are renewed for me. The fairway’s out there and by the grace of God I’ll get back out there. Because He is strong when I am weak.
we're the diamonds rising up out the dust
Whenever I have time to kill and my phone in my hand I almost always end up on BuzzFeed. It’s such a time waster and I try to only tap that little red icon when I have nothing else productive to do. When I’m early at an appointment or in a waiting area for the DMV for example.
The other day I found myself scrolling through the Feed and I came across a quiz that peeked my interest. It was entitled “How Latino/a Are You.” I feel as though I have been asking this question of myself for 20+ years. And for most of those years I feel like that’s the question (or statement) on people’s minds when they meet me.
So I couldn’t help myself. I clicked the link.
There was one question: “Can your roots be traced back to Mexico, Puerto Rico, Cuba, D.R. or any other South or Central American county?”
So I clicked yes and the results simply said “You are very Latino/a: and you’re awesome.”
I’m not sure I can really explain the sense of relief that I felt. It might sound ridiculous that I was placing any stock in an online quiz on a social media website. But on some level I think I thought it would reveal what I’ve always feared or what some people have told me all along – You don’t fit in our box of what Latina looks like. (or on the flip side – you don’t fit in our box of what Caucasian looks like.)
For many biracial or multiracial people, this is a struggle that is very real and very misunderstood.
I’ve been getting a lot of inquiries to do some writing on topics such as this one. And topics that have nothing to do with this one. I have been encouraged to take these opportunities and to try and embrace all the pieces of me that seem to not fit together. But the mere fact that they are all pieces of me means that they do fit together.
So here’s to vulnerability and to allowing myself to be myself in attempts to become a diamond rising out from the dust. Albeit an imperfect diamond, but a diamond nonetheless.
and she was like: oh my (word), this is my song
There’s a question that I get asked a lot that I can almost never answer –
“Who’s your favorite artist?”
Part of the reason this is so hard is that I have a hard time picking a favorite of anything – movie, tv show, food, song. I don’t like having a favorite.
But the other reason I can’t answer this question is that it’s almost impossible for me to pick one. I think people who ask me that question probably think, she likes music-she could probably narrow it down to one. Wrong. I like music so this question is inviting me to either give you an “off the top of my head” list of current faves or my “standards.” Either way the answer will always be incomplete, if only in my own eyes.
But recently I’ve been qualifying this question with things like – Top 5 Influential Artists to my taste. Or Top 5 acoustic bands. You get the hint.
So recently I decided to make a playlist with some of my Top Influential Artists. Meaning artists who have inspired my own personal taste in music or inspired me personally. I decided to share it on here so enjoy, maybe look a few of these artists up.
1. You May Be Right by Billy Joel
Billy Joel was a constant in my childhood. My mom loves his music, plus he’s from New Jersey which is where I grew up for a period of my life. So there’d be times where he’s singing about a place and I’d be like – I KNOW WHERE THAT IS! Little pleasures for kids. I remember singing the line “You may be right!? I may be Crazy!?” at the top of my lungs in the car with my family. Each of us pointing at another person.
2. I Want to Hold Your Hand by the Beatles
Another family favorite – the Beatles. I recently inherited some of my Dad’s old albums, including all of his Beatles collection. This band is the cornerstone that my music passion is built on. And this song especially makes me smile.
3. Chasing the Sun by Sara Bareilles.
This is a current fav of this lady. Sara B. is one of the first female artists that I fell in love with (you’ll notice she’s nearly alone on this list). She has an amazing talent for song writing and for making me laugh, reflect and sing out in one album. Every song of hers is golden but this one is particularly great (at the moment).
4. Love Soon by John Mayer
Yes, I’m that girl. I love John Mayer. He’s a great songwriter and I DO NOT apologize for loving his acoustic goodness. This song was an early favorite and probably a reason that if you give me an acoustic guitar sound with a male voice, chances are I will love the song.
5. The Authority Song by Jimmy Eat World
The other dat the Kindergarten Teacher was over and opened my CD drawer and made the comment that there was a lot of Jimmy Eat World CDs. That’s because I used to be obsessed with them. I had a more punky edge back in the day and Jimmy Eat World helped me process a lot of teenage angst.
6. Hey Ya by Obadiah Parker
My first ever acoustic cover. Long before Boyce Avenue and Tyler Ward and other youtube obsessions there was this cover of the Outkast hit. And I loved it (still do.)
7. Dark Blue by Jack’s Mannequin
Andrew McMahon is a writing genius. And most often they release a CD that seems to help me process whatever big even is happening in my life at the time. This song is the perfect late night, windows down song. The lyrics “this night’s a perfect shade of Dark Blue” is almost always on my mind in the summer.
8. Something to Talk About by Bonnie Raitt
My dad loved some Bonnie Raitt. And man, this song was on repeat in our house a lot. I still know all the words and love to sing them out!
9. Melody by Aaron Espe
My friend The Bass Player and I used to say that there was no problem a little Aaron Espe couldn’t fix. And it’s true. The way he writes songs and interweaves his faith with the world around him is amazing. Fast songs, slow songs, songs that hit you in the heart break and songs that make you happy to be alive. He’s got a little of everything.
10. End and Beginning by Jason Stocker
Jason was one of the first people who showed me what it was like to worship God musically. Like really worship. It was with him that I learned to sing harmonies, I found the confidence to sing in front of people and I learned what it meant to sing songs that declared truths of who God was. His worship music is amazing and I love each and every song.
11. See You Later, See You Soon by Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers
This band. Oh man. I honestly don’t even remember how I discovered this band. But I have two of their CDs. This was the first band that I felt like I could call my own – as dumb as it sounds it was my first “grown up” band that I fell in love with. It was hard just picking one song. It’s seriously … seriously.
So that’s it, the tip of the iceberg, but 11 songs my some of my most influential artists. They are the founders of the music I’m into now. The ones I look back at fondly, remembering the early discoveries and branching out of my musical ruts that I tend to get into.
So who influences your musical tastes?
You give me peace like a river
I’ve written about Shalom on here before right? I mean the title of this blog is Striving for Shalom. It’s a concept that I am deeply DEEPLY in love with. A wholeness – a oneness with God that he intended for his people, promises us at the end of our days and that Christ gave us through the Holy Spirit after his resurrection in John’s account of his life. It’s a beautiful almost lyrical word that rolls off my tongue with all of its hope and complexity.
It’s a word that I love, a concept that I want to shout from the roof tops – THIS IS WHAT GOD INTENDED FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!
And this week I’m charged with teaching this word to our children at church. As I process it out I think of all the words I use to describe Shalom, all the hints to how broken the world is that most adults know and understand all to well. I think of explaining Shalom from the point of brokenness – as a contrast to the world we already know.
But Kids?! They probably understand Shalom far better than we do. They probably can remember a moment in time that they have felt this complete wholeness – all of their needs and wants met. They’ve probably experienced it in the last month, week or even day.
I think of my nieces. The Eldest would not describe her life as perfect – she has an annoying little sister who is always reeking havoc on her life. Mini Monster steals her toys, throws things, breaks things and is entirely too loud for Eldest’s taste.
Mini Monster would probably describe her life as perfect, except for when she is being told that she cannot have one of her sister’s toys. Or when she is told she cannot smother the new Baby with her kisses and hugs. Her day is full of craziness, noise and chaos. She may love this noise and chaos, I would hope so considering she is the one who creates it.
But then I think of the other moments in Mini Monster or Eldest’s lives that are full of peace. For Eldest it’s when Mini Monster is sleeping and she gets everyone’s attention to herself. She lies on the couch with her head in my lap. As I stroke her hair I watch her silently drift off to sleep. She feels fully protected, comforted, safe… she is at peace.
For Mini MOnster these moments are rare. She has a much more outgoing personality. Her peaceful moments come when she is surrounded by her loved ones. Squeezed in between my mom and me being tickled and giggling. There’s a moment for Mini Monster right after she has exhausted herself with laughing and being silly when she takes a deep breath and nuzzles deeper between us with a big grin across her face. She feels fully loved, content, supported … she is safe.
Then there’s the Baby. Her peace at times seems much more easy to attain. She wants to be clean, fed and warm. When she was first born she just wanted to be held. If we put her down for any length of time she would cry and cry. But as soon as we picked her up and held her close she would calm down. She just needed to know that she was not alone, she would feel the warmth of whoever was holding her, feel the heartbeat of that person and be content. She feels fully protected, her needs met …she is at peace.
Shalom is all about the fullness of peace. The promise of Jesus is that we have access to that peace now. That yes, Shalom was what was intended for us and what we have to look forward to in heaven but that it is also a gift from him now, in the midst of this world.
So for a kid, whose world is, for the most part, carefree, maybe the promise of Shalom is enough. If they can identify what it looks like to them, maybe it’s enough for them to grow up hearing over and over again that Shalom is available to them now.
my sin upon his shoulder
I asked our Kids’ Club class if they knew what happened on Palm Sunday – what are we celebrating?
“JESUS DIED!!!!” – screamed by more than one of them.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Well, not yet, that’s what we are celebrating on Good Friday. Does anyone remember what happened before that?”
“WAIT!” one of our third grade girls has that look on her face that she gets when she is processing something. I can almost see her flipping through the storybook in mind, trying to remember the story she’s been told before – “Is it the day that Jesus rode the donkey?”
I grin back at her and nod my head, “That’s right! And does anyone remember the name of the town?” In my mind this question was going to go unanswered. I didn’t expect them to pull that long name out of their memories but as happens most of the time in this classroom, they surprise me.
“JERUSALEM!!”
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“I have a hard time celebrating Good Friday.”
It was almost like a whisper, a quiet confession to his wife and me. We had been reflecting on how great of a morning it was at church. Such a joyful celebration of Jesus’ arrival in Jerusalem. And looking forward to Good Friday – a service that is near and dear to our hearts as Pastors of this church.
We didn’t respond right away, then we tried to acknowledge the admitted truth while still holding our excitement. Yes, it’s the sad part of the story but it means so much to us as followers of Christ. He continues his train of thought, “I mean it would be a tragic story even if it was a no name person on the cross – but it’s Jesus.”
__________________________________________
The palpable excitement that I felt from the kids as they shouted “Jesus dies!!” may seem disheartening. It may seem like an inappropriate response. But its not. I don’t think they have really felt the weight of what it means for Christ to die not only for us but because of us. Because of the Sin that is present in all of us. For the children it is a disconnect, they know that sin is the problem Christ died to fix but they don’t connect that with themselves. It happened so long ago, it’s just a fact they can rattle off about their faith but their personal experience of sin is limited.
But we all grow up. We all eventually realize what sin is, we feel the effects of it when its used against us. We feel the failure of falling short when we sin ourselves. Then we see that Christ died for us because of this sin, to solve the problem of sin in our lives and it simultaneously breaks our hearts and gives us hope.
That’s the scandalous nature of the crucifixion. The idea that the Lord of Heaven and Earth would come to earth, live a perfect life and then die for humanity. The penalty for sin is death and he takes it upon himself.
But the story doesn’t end there, on the third day He rises again. He is the Risen Lord, beating death so that we may have life. This truth is what we need to cling to rather than the sting of his death for and because of us. We must hold steadfast to the hope of the resurrection, it’s what can keep us going in a world where we are surrounded by sin and brokenness.
life taught me to die
Last week I was watching a favorite TV show of mine and was struck again at the poor representation God was getting from the “Christian” character on the show. It happens so often when I watch TV shows where one character is meant to have faith – or when characters interact with an unknown God. There have been few times when I’ve seen a character talk about God that I could see myself in.
Don’t get me wrong, some shows/movies do an excellent job of portraying faith issues or asking hard questions for us to wrestle with. But when it comes to portraying what it looks like to follow Christ, it’s mostly a miss in my opinion.
Then I think, no wonder there are so many people who misunderstand those who categorize themselves as Christ followers. Between pop culture’s version of us, celebrity pastors in the news fighting all the time, and the misconception that everyone who follows Christ looks exactly the same – there is little interaction with the actual Creator of the universe.
I remember saying to my friend as we watched this particular show – when will hollywood get it right? But the question on my mind actually is – why are we waiting for hollywood to get it right? Why do we sit back and simply roll our eyes at these portrayals of our faith? Of the one we follow?
Why are we walking away from the Church? Why are we letting political views and musical styles choose where and how we worship the Lord? Why are we watering down our belief systems to draw people in and then setting a list of impossible standards for them to meet?
There are real problems facing the Church. Real debates to be had about how we interact with the world around us. But walking away from the Church, rejecting the religion because its flawed – it’s not the answer. The less we work together, the more divisive the Church becomes. No wonder we are being misrepresented, we are misrepresenting the one who has called us. It’s time to re-engage. Time to stick around for the fight. It’s time for us to stay and disprove the image we have been given.
oh, how he loves
“Human love is attracted to beauty.
God’s love creates beauty from nothing,
where there would have been ugliness otherwise.”
This is the week that pastors from all over the denomination gather together for community, learning and to be challenged. I cannot believe it has been a year since I was beginning the call process and meeting with our denominational leaders to tell them what my dreams were for my future in ministry. And then to be here this year, realizing that my call at my church is both nothing and everything I dreamt of in those conversations. It is amazing to see how God has worked in the past year, sliding things around and creating something out of nothing.
Our theme for this week is found in Ephesians 4 and this morning a former professor of mine spoke the words written at the top of this post. Before the service this morning I sat down for a few moments with a dear friend and mentor of mine and he told me that my life was like a legacy of who God is, that looking at my life – God’s hand was clear. Then I heard these words. As a pastor, I have never felt sufficient enough to love his people the way God has, and this quote gave me words to understand why. It is because I am human, I cannot love the way that he loves his people. But when I look back on my life, on where God has brought me – his love for me is undeniable. He has created this beautiful life around me out of nothing and even though I am human and merely attracted to beauty. I pray that he gives me sight beyond my biases, that he would love others through me.