the daylight's wasting

(I’m trying to get in the habit of writing more – which I am not doing so well – which I feel like I’ve been trying for a year now!)
My mom and I have been having a lot of heart to hearts lately.  A lot of hard conversations about our family life and what has transpired in it.  We’ve talked about the root cause of a lot of pain in our family and how (or if) it could have been avoided.
You see, growing up in a family like mine, there are certain messages that get ingrained into your brain.  Into the fabric of who you are.  Messages that are like a broken record, skipping, stuck on short sentences that cut deeper and deeper every time they repeat.  One of the biggest problems is that these repeating messages are reinforced by other messages we hear in our everyday lives.  And when that happens the cuts get deeper, reopening wounds.
I used to think that if I just had enough faith.  If I tried taping over those messages with the Truth of how God feels about me that I would never feel insecure again.  That I would get to the place where I would never have to struggle with those hurtful messages anymore.  I just needed to get strong enough.  Block others out more.  Look towards God more.
But I am starting to think that those messages are there forever, regardless of what I’m doing – they will always be playing in the background.  But that each day I can choose to hear the reassuring words of my Savior and Lord over power them.  That my faithful response is to acknowledge them but not let them take over.
Because the person that I am cannot just pretend those things did not happen.  I cannot just choose joy over the pain, that would be fake for me.  It’s not fake for everyone but it would be fake for me.
Instead I choose Truth over lies.  Daily I choose to believe what my Almighty Father has said of me instead of the lies that I have been told about myself.
Because those cuts are real.  And because we are sheep being sheep – others will say similar things about me in the future.  The only way to move forward is to acknowledge the message, stop pretending they aren’t hurtful still and then choose Truth.

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