We're never getting older

This last week I traveled back to my hometown to go to the Belong Tour with the Goddaughter. It was part of a trip to renew myself – spiritually and physically. My hope was to take time to vision cast. For myself, for ministry and to spend time pouring into myself.
There’s this lake near my house that I used to walk around whenever I needed some perspective. It’s right outside my neighborhood and throughout high school and college it was a sacred place for me. It has this hill on the backside of the lake that when you got to the top you could look out over the neighborhood and see the mountains in the background. It was my favorite view.
This last trip home I realized the view changed. I hadn’t walked the lake in several years. So many trips home have been too busy to even get a walk or run in, but this trip I took to the trail to get a glimpse of that view. But when I rounded the corner, up the hill, I looked out and realized I couldn’t see the mountains anymore. The trees of the neighborhood have grown over the last 10 years and all you see are the tops of the trees.
The pictures above are my best efforts to capture this change. On the left is a picture from March of 2006. I was a junior in college – life in complete disarray – or so I thought. I clearly remember the walk I took, desperate to see something bigger than myself. I almost wish I could go back to that 20 year old version of myself and tell her what’s to come. To take a deep breath and brace yourself because it’s gonna get a whole lot worse before it gets better.
In 2006 I was in the throws of my first heartbreak. I was on staff at my home church for the first time, working out what it meant to be called to youth ministry. I was mentoring a group of girls for the first time. I was coming to terms with the concept of a broken family. I spent my days doing homework at a random little coffee shop in a theater because my friend worked there and sometimes gave me free upgrades on my order. I was just getting to know some friends who would become my closest allies in the darkest parts of my story.
The picture on the right was last week. Every time I go home I have that nostalgia for the life that I lived in CO. But this last trip really gave me some perspective. I ran into that boy who broke my heart and was genuinely happy for the man he’d become all these years later. In a moment of divine appointment, I ran into one of the girls who I was mentoring back then and met her son, watched her loving talk to her husband and tell me all about their life these days. That same friend who used to give me free coffee now owns his own coffee shop and I spent the day dreaming about life and ministry in that gorgeous space. Also attending the Belong Tour was my own youth pastor who gave me my first chance to do ministry.
In the 10 years of life between these two pictures, so much has changed. It’s not just trees that have grown, I have too. In those 10 years I have lived in 5 different states. I have worked at 4 churches doing internships and gaining experience. I was ordained and called to a church that I love to do a work I feel very passionate about. I’ve learned to become healthy in the midst of heartbreak and joy.
I’ve become someone who knows there is no truth to the feeling that we will never get older. Nor is there really any desire in my heart to not get older. These years have been a gift to me, a blessing that has been bestowed on me.
As we grow, we keep adding identities on top of one another. The girl I was 10 years ago that took that sunset picture in an attempt to be artsy is still in me, like a nesting doll with head phones blaring John Mayer. She’s been covered with new versions of me. And what I’m realizing more and more is that I like this most outer nesting doll. And I can’t wait to see what the next one looks like.

May 10, 2016

she is messy but she's kind

The last two weeks of Lead Stories Podcast have been about empowering women. They shared a couple of interviews with women who are leading in some cool ways down in Florida and this week they shared five tips on how to empower women. For today’s #TuesdaysinLeadership I thought I’d share some stories of how I’ve been empowered by others.
One of the tips that Steph and Jo shared this week was to know the people you are empowering. Jo shared a story that instead of asking her to speak, someone once just put her in the program. This person knew that she would overthink the ask, so they went ahead and put her down. This person was a good friend and knew her well enough to know that would be okay.
I’ve <thankfully> never had that happen to me. But I’ve had people take a chance on me, give me the opportunity to do something a little out of my comfort zone that ends up being a great gift. Two years ago I was contacted by the director of one of our area camps, asking me to come be the pastor of the week that summer. It would include speaking 5 times and just generally being available to the staff and campers as a pastoral figure.
I was really nervous. I had never done something like this, even though I’ve always dreamed of it. I’d love to speak more than I do. I believe it’s a gift I’ve been given – to be able to communicate God’s Word in an accessible way. But at the time I was pretty fresh into my first full time pastoral role. It’s hard to break into the speaking game, especially as a young woman.
But this camp director took a chance on me. He has known me since I was in high school. He was on staff at my home church for a year and we ended up serving in the same conference. Even though he had never heard me speak, he was asking me to come be a part of what he was doing at camp.
It was an incredible week. It really helped me as a speaker not to mention it was really fun. The director continued to encourage me and has asked me back to speak twice.
Sometimes as women we have the tendency to second guess ourselves. We wonder if we really are good at specific aspects of our jobs. Opportunities arise to us and we consider turning them down because we are not sure we are qualified. This is why it’s so important to have people in our lives that speak truth – truth from God – into our lives.
I’m so thankful that there have been a series of people who have taken a chance on me. Who have given me opportunities I wouldn’t have had otherwise to help grow in my skills as a leader. This is not limited to speaking opportunities, I’ve been given opportunities to be a behind the scenes person at events or to help speak into parts of retreats.
I’m still learning how to do this well for others now. I want to be able to take my own influence and empower women as well. It’ll come with time I am sure. But I think God for the people who have walked before me, blazing the path for women in leadership and then have turned around to help me along the path.

Who’s empowered you lately? And who could you in turn empower in your life?

May 3, 2016

what if I don't wanna be like you?

It’s time for another installment of Tuesdays in Leadership. (New working title)
I mentioned our Confirmation Sunday in my last post. We had 11 students be confirmed, which is a record for our church. Each of the 11 stood before our congregation and shared stories of their faith journey. They did so in a language all their own – some through video, dance, pictures, drawings, words. It was a beautiful expression of God’s beauty in creation. Each of these students was created by God, called by God and are answering that call in their own unique ways.
Last week’s episode of Lead Stories Podcast was on finding your voice in leadership. Jo and Steph talked through resources to help leaders find and use their voices. So I thought I’d write a little about what it looked like to find my voice as a leader.
I’ve written before about how I feel like I’m a bit of an outsider. I’ve had a hard time finding a place where I feel completely comfortable – completely able to be myself. I can name some of that as coming from my family of origin, some of it comes from being biracial, some of it comes from moving around a lot and honestly, some of it comes from being a pastor.
This made finding my voice as a leader difficult. I struggled with confidence, which I know realize is something we all struggle with – or at least most of us. I so wanted to be like these women I admired – real and fictional – who seemed to just know who they were. I always struggled to figure it out.
I struggled the most when I went to seminary. I was so unsure of myself and my call. I knew I was called but I was so intimidated by my classmates who seemed to have this unwavering faith in themselves. I remember writing in a paper how I questioned whether or not my voice mattered. I got the paper back a week later and my professor had underlined that sentence and in the margin he wrote, “Your voice matters.”
The real story of finding my voice is found through the mentors I have had in my life. Men and women who have pointed out moments of leadership and told me that I mattered. In some of my most formative years the message I received over and over again contradicted that important message. I never felt like I fit and therefore I didn’t matter. I’d place my trust in something or someone and get my heart and spirit broken.
This new message of people telling me that I mattered, that what I had to say was good, that was new for me. During that time I started to root myself in the Creator. I was learning how to look at my story and see Him more than I saw brokenness. I started to see that being an outsider gave me a unique perspective.
I found my voice not by trying to fit in but rather by accepting that I never would. I didn’t need to find that community that I fit into, I needed to find a community that loved me for the person I was – both created by God and shaped by my experience. I had to learn that comparing my misfit life to others wouldn’t make me happy. My voice was found in accepting myself and accepting who God was calling me to be.
Just as Jo and Steph shared some things they’ve learned along the way, here are a couple of things I’ve learned along the way:

Guard your heart

Not everyone around you is a safe person. I’m not saying this to be cynical, but rather to say that when it comes to leading others – it can be a lonely task. There’s a fine line between being a vulnerable leader (which is important) and being a hot mess. Sometimes finding and keeping your voice means limiting the people who get to see and speak to your whole heart.

Root yourself in God

We can do nothing apart from Him. The sooner we see that he is the one who we should focus on the sooner we will be speaking his truths. Find what works for you as far as being rooted in him and make sacrifices to do those things regularly.

Let others speak truth into your life

I’ve had some amazing people say some really hard things to me. They are trusted advisors, people who know my heart and have walked the journey with me. They don’t sugar coat it when I need to hear it. Because they have walked the journey with me, it doesn’t hurt (as much) but rather inspires me to do better.

Broaden your perspective

Read books. Listen to podcasts. Attend conferences. Even if an opinion differs from your own, listen to it with an open mind and allow it to speak to you. Sometimes a challenging person will allow you to see God clearer and change you or keep you where you’re at.
I’m still fighting for my voice everyday, but these are just a few things I think I’ve learned from this journey. What about you?

Where are you on this journey to finding your voice?

April 19, 2016

you didn't have to be perfect – not in my neighborhood

I mentioned in my last post that I’ve been listening to a podcast called Lead Stories with Jo Saxton and Steph Williams. Each episode they spend time talking about leadership and answering questions that pertain to leadership. It’s been a great addition to my rotation and sparks a lot of interesting thoughts.
So in my desire to blog more, I’ve decided to try and do a weekly response to their podcasts that I’ll maybe call Tuesdays in Leadership … for lack of a better name.
Last week’s episode was all about defining leadership and then Jo and Steph asked each other about their earliest experiences with leadership. It was really cool to hear both of them tell their stories about when and how they began realizing they were leaders – that they had influence over others.
A common thread for the two of them was they had people who pointed out their leadership skills from early on. Whether it was parents or members of their faith community, they had voices telling them that they were leaders.
Looking back at my early years – it was obvious I was a leader. I grew up on a street full of kids where I was on the older end. In the grand scheme of being a kid, it’s only natural to look to the oldest (and loudest) kid as the leader of all the kids. And I took that role willingly. I got us all into varying amounts of trouble by pushing the boundaries our parents had set for us.
In those early years, I can see my parents trying to redirect my leadership skills – but as a rambunctious kid it felt more like they were squashing me. I saw being a leader as a bad thing because I often got punished for it. In my childhood mind I couldn’t see that they were trying to teach me to use my influence well. That my punishment was more about my behavior than about my ability to get the support of the neighborhood behind me.
I didn’t really start getting it until I was in middle school. I had just started dancing and doing theater when the owner of our Performing Arts Center started putting me in charge of little things. It started with sweeping up or taking stock in the store and built up to helping run the younger kids’ rehearsals. She invested in me, teaching me how to teach others. How to be encouraging, how to be stern but not too strict.
Fast forward a few years and cross the country a bit, after I started attending church regularly, I got another chance to lead. The children’s pastor at my church asked if I wanted to teach Sunday School. To this day, it blows my mind that she picked me – this 17 year old from a dysfunctional family who had just found Jesus to teach a bunch of Kindergarteners. I had a small class and it was all mine. That year was so formative for me. It started me on the path of ministry that would eventually lead me to here. Pastor of Christian Formation, calling out leadership in my own students and trying to find ways for them to shine.
Fun fact – those Kindergarteners that I taught are graduating from high school this year.
The thing I love about this podcast is that they continuously go back to the idea that we are all leaders. We all have influence over others in some realm. As parents, as older siblings, as friends, as leaders in the church – in unconventional ways and formal ways.
So I encourage you all to think through your earliest memories of becoming a leader. Who took a chance on you? Who encouraged you and showed you how to lead?

February 26, 2016

You will always be more than enough for me

This last week has been one of those weeks. One of those weeks where you cling on to the promise of faith because not much else seems to stay still long enough to grab on. We lost a dear member of our congregation this week. This woman was such an example of what the body of Christ should act like – she was a constant encourager. But in a way that you knew she really meant it. It didn’t seem like a platitude. It was a genuine pointing out of your gifts and acknowledging God’s work in your life.
She came to our church shortly after I did. She came with her daughter and son-in-law, always sitting towards the back on the left from where I stood up front. Her smile was contagious and her hugs in the receiving line were always a highlight of my week. She always greeted me with a smile and a “Hello my friend.” She asked me questions about my life – not to pry but to let me know that she cared for me, the way she cared for her own grandchildren. She always encouraged me to share from my heart – to be honest with who I was because she loved it when I was real.
In my last post I shared that I have a hard time really speaking my truth from my story. So today’s #FridayFive is about names of God – I’m going to share the Names of God that I have discovered from the margins.
So today’s #FridayFive is in her honor. I miss you already my dear friend.
Friday-Fun-1

#FridayFive: Five Names of God from a Self Appointed Outsider

Heavenly Father
When I first started Seminary I took a class called Spirituality and Conflict. The first day of class one of the teachers did a devotion asking us each what our go to name for God was, I picked Father. At the end of class, this teacher gave us each an image for our name for God with a note in it from what we had shared over the course of the class. It was amazing.
I often get asked about if it’s hard to see God as father considering my past. The question comes from a good place – I found God during the most difficult time in my family. Most of my pastors and youth workers had never met my dad. Most of my mentors have only heard the hard parts of the story. But we had good years before the bad years. I knew what it was like to have a dad which made the sting of his withdrawal heavier. I grew up knowing what it was like to have someone teach you how to camp and hit a ball. A man who I knew loved me deeper than I could comprehend. Then in my teenage years it went away – the years when I needed someone to fight for my worth, to teach me what relationships were supposed to look like, to show me how I deserved to be treated. But God picked up where my dad left off. Through mentors, surrogate father figures and his soft whisper, God showed me the love that my earthly father could not. I still mourn the years that alcoholism robbed me of with my earthly father, but I praise a God who sought after me in that time. That still seeks after me, as a father does for his daughter.
Redeemer
I heard a sermon recently that rocked my world. It was on the story of Joseph and she taught about the different stages of Joseph’s life and how it led to something great because of God’s work in Joseph’s life. God did some great things through Joseph, he refined Joseph’s gifts and blessed many people through Joseph. At the end of Joseph’s life, his brothers are lamenting selling him into slavery – the evil that they did to him – and Joseph says: Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.
I’ve read that verse so many times and it usually gets cut off after “good” – but the rest of it is so important. It would have been enough for God to have just redeemed Joseph’s story – to end the story at Joseph not being killed or treated harshly in slavery. But God took Joseph’s story and redeemed it so that people could have life. Not only does God redeem our brokenness – he does it so that we may bring about life in a world of brokenness. I love that God redeems – that he takes broken stories like mine and redeems them, gives them life again so that they may be used for his glory.
Unifier
I attended a seminary that publicly endorses multiculturalism and women in ministry. Because it’s the seminary of our denomination that says these are values we hold dear. But my time in seminary was extremely difficult, partially because God was working in me and partially because I am a female and I am biracial. In one of our degree seeking meetings with a professor, I was asked, “What is it like to attend this seminary and not be Swedish?” He was asking because he really wanted to know, he was one of our professors who was constantly challenging us to hear the stories of others. He wanted to hear my experience and challenged me to share it freely with my classmates. There were many difficult moments in those three years – moments where I felt silenced, discriminated against, marginalized but there were also moments where I felt empowered, valued and cared for by my brothers and sisters.
There was a moment I clearly remember. A fellow classmate came to me with something that was being said about me. He sat across the table at Starbucks from me and told me that he had gone to bat for me. That he had defended me against what was being said about me because he knew me. That he told the other person that wasn’t who I was, to give me a chance and hear my story. The moment stands so clearly because my classmate and I had walked alongside each other. We knew each other’s stories, we had taken time to talk through difficult truths. God was sowing unity between us. God used this person to help me find unity in a community that was anything but unified.
Reconciler
I fully believe that God works as reconciler. That we cannot reconcile conflict without him. I hate conflict. I hate disappointing people. It makes me physically uncomfortable. But I am human and I make bad choices sometimes. And when I am hurt, and I have hurt others – I am not fully capable of doing the work of reconciliation. I mean I can say I’m sorry – but I cannot find reconciliation without my God. I’ve tried. Something always slips in and stops me from full reconciliation. But with God, I have the strength to fully forgive and forget. To sow back together relationships that were broken and ready to be abandoned.
Almighty One
I am always in awe of what God can do. Through all of these other names I’ve written about – he has done a mighty work in my life. This year my focus is on recognizing his hand at work in my present life. He is the Almighty. He is alive. I believe these things, but it’s hard to see his hand at work in the present. I can look back and see his fingerprints on every step of the way, but to really be in tune with him and see his hand in the present has been hard. To see him in the midst of my crappy weeks, the times when everything seems to be chaos. I cling to faith but am I truly able to see his hand at work? I’m trying, I know He’s Almighty – I know he will do a great work. I know He is Alive. I trust that he will work all these things for his good.

What are your names for God?

February 19, 2016

we all wanna know how it ends

I’ve always felt a little like an outsider.
I grew up in a small town on the east coast where I was the only kid in my class with two working parents. I was also the only kid in my class from a biracial family.
Then we moved back to CO to be near family, but we had been gone for most of my life so even with family I was the outsider.
After I became a Christian, I was different than my friends. I lived at home through college straddling life at home and life in college while everyone else ate dorm food and had late night study sessions.
I started working at churches where I was always one of the only women on staff and the only person not raised in a Christian home. References would be made to things “we all grew up with” and I would stare back blankly or fake nod like I understood.
I attended our denomination’s seminary and came face to face with the reality that while my denomination values multiculturalism and women in ministry both are still a minority in a white male dominated profession.
I’ve never really felt like I fit. When I was younger, it was an insecurity. I saw myself as so different from my peers that I would just mold myself to fit in with them. I played up my white side in order to fit with the other girls at the lunch table. I wouldn’t talk about how my nanny helped me with my homework because my parents were working. I would force myself to try and fit in with my cousins, even though all the stories were of times and places I wasn’t a part of. I taught myself to be quiet because even though my opinion was different, theirs were louder.
But as I’ve grown up, I realize that my outsider nature is actually an asset. Everyone strives to fit in, everyone struggles with being just like everyone else. But I was given a story for a specific purpose – and I’m working on finding mine.
I was listening to a podcast this morning with author Sally Lloyd Jones. She said that someone once told her that all writers need two things to be good – to have been transplanted from one place to another in their childhood and to have a deep wound in their childhood. I’m not sure how true that is, although neither was Sally – but it got me thinking…
All these experiences have convinced me that my voice isn’t good enough. I’ve been on the outside for so long, I’ve felt wounded by the exclusion of not fitting into the box that everyone else fit into. And while there is portion of that burden on their shoulders, there is also a portion of it on my shoulders.
I’ve allowed it to happen. I’ve faded into the background instead of working through the pain. I’ve said that it’s easier not to rock the boat than to speak my truth. I’ve allowed it to happen because it’s too hard, in my eyes, to try and speak up.
But Sally’s words spoke to something deep inside of me. That my story needed to get out. That my voice matters and that while others have told me that repeatedly, I need to give myself permission to speak.
God’s been moving, stirring in my heart for a few months now. He’s working me up into a tizzy that can no longer be silent. Now it’s up to me – to have the courage to share, courage to speak up, courage to use my experiences to help others see what life looks like on the outside. To pour into others on the outside and give them the mic to speak.
We all have stories that need to be heard. We all need to self-edit to keep the message relevant, but maybe it’s time for me to self edit just a little less.

January 19, 2016

Breath of life I breathe you in

Today was one of those days when the schedule you start off with in the morning doesn’t end up being the one you stick to. Each morning I tend to think through my day and plan it out a bit. But today, my plan went out the window. By the time I got home after youth group tonight, I hadn’t done my reading yet. So I climbed into my bed with my bible and journal and I opened it up to Genesis.
A few weeks ago I wrote about finding rhythm in my crazy messy life. I’ve made some good changes and have surprisingly stuck to them thus far, two and a half weeks in. One of those things was to follow a reading plan and read through the bible in a year. I picked a plan that has 5 readings per week, which I thought was good enough since I have never really done something like this before.
And so far, I’ve made it. I’m going into week three feeling good. I’m figuring out this whole Bible journaling thing, making it work for me. And I’m learning a lot, diving into God’s Word.
But the biggest thing to come out of this time has been my One Word for the year. Our church (like many churches) has been doing One Word for a few years now. It’s been a really good process for the last few years. I have/God has picked some good words over the last few years that have really helped me grow as a person and in my relationship with Him. My words have included: Stand Out, Bold, Gracious and some others that to be honest – I cannot remember.
This year I really wanted a good word. One rich with meaning, one that was going to push me (but not too hard) and one that was really truly from God. So of course, in my listening, I started telling God a few options. Maybe heartbeat or just heart, or love, or … or… what about …. Then one day it just happened. I was reading Genesis, my second or third day on the reading plan and the word almost jumped out at me.
ALIVE
In the context of the story I was reading, it wasn’t a profound word. But it popped out, as if I had some sort of mental highlighter that was causing it to become neon yellow.
ALIVE
So when I finished the reading of the day, I pulled out my journal and started reading. I did a quick word search to find where else it popped up in the Bible and found this verse in Hebrews:

For the Word of God is alive and powerful

And then a section from Ephesians 2:

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness towards us in Christ Jesus.

And I started journaling, almost like a note from God to me, calling to me, challenging me to believe that He is ALIVE.
I mean I know He is ALIVE. I know that he is at work in the world all around me, but sometimes I don’t live that way. Sometimes I don’t place that trust in him. I’m too afraid that I’m going to miss out that I start to hedge my bets with my own money. But the reality is that we can’t miss out on what God’s doing if we are really looking for it, if we are conscious of the Spirit’s movement in our lives.
So my word for the year is ALIVE. I’m accepting the challenge of living in the truth that God is ALIVE rather than living in the fear and stress that I have to make it happen on my own. In my life, in my ministry, in my relationships – He is ALIVE and gives me life. He makes me ALIVE in him.
I’ve always been pretty good at seeings his work in retrospect. I mean hindsight is 20/20 right? I’ve never been very good at slowing myself down enough to hear his voice in the midst of everything. To feel his prompting and see his hand at work while it’s still working.
Since that first week though, he’s been revealing new things to me each day. It’s almost as if he’s saying, “I’ve been here all along, just waiting for you to look my way and see my hand at work.” And I’m just now noticing all the ways he surrounds me each day. I give it up to him and he shows up … each time. In ways I never would have expected. But he does. And I am beyond grateful.
I can’t wait to see what else he has for us this year.

January 4, 2016

C'mon get rhythm

While I was in Denver for Christmas I had dinner with one of my closest and oldest friends. We’ve known each other since college which means she’s been by my side through a lot of life.
We really cemented our friendship back then because we were both living at home during college and commuting to school via bus. She’d get on the bus down by her house then a few stops later I’d get on. She’d save me a seat and I would entertain her with my naive and immature antics. She was the kind of person who got up early, ate a well balanced breakfast, stopped for coffee and calmly boarded the bus and chose a seat in the front. I was the kind of person who barely woke up on time, rushed to get ready and clamored on the bus with a diet coke and pop tarts in my hand, collapsing in the seat next to her.
I wish I was kidding.
While we were catching up, we were talking about our routines. She’s a really structured person, still – and I’m still mostly a hot mess. I mean I’ve grown a lot, I no longer drink diet coke at 7:00 a.m. But I still have a hard time with this mysterious thing people call rhythm.
I’ve long surpassed the time when a rhythmless life is acceptable, but I blame it on two things – being single/childless and my job. I don’t have a normal 9-5 and there are no kids around to dictate my schedule. Therefore, I make up my own and as I’ve learned about myself – I have fairly little discipline in my personal life. I mean the big things I can handle but going to bed at a reasonable time? Not sleeping in too late? Not watching too much TV? There’s not much hope for me there. (That’s a little bit of a joke.)
The problem is my weekly schedule has no real structure. Sure there’s a meeting or two that happens every week but for the most part, it changes week to week. At least 1-2 nights a week are late nights at church but it’s never the same two nights. I have the freedom to work from home or a coffee shop – which is great, but sometimes too much freedom makes it difficult. Scheduling regular times to work out, cook, clean, do laundry etc has become a challenge. I think, I have plenty of time to do that later in the week and then it never happens.
But alas – we are in a new year and it’s time to make some resolutions right? No – I’m still not a resolution person. But people all around me are starting new things, so let’s see if I can!
I’ve tried a lot of different techniques over the years that work for a couple weeks and then don’t anymore. I’m still not sure how I’m going to do it, but that’s part of the adventure right?
Here’s my list of things I hope to get back into my life on the regular:
Taking care of myself physically
This encompasses a lot of different things.. vitamins, work outs, sleep and cooking myself real meals. These are all things I struggle with but know I need. I need to eat better and spend less money on going out. I need sleep (duh!). I need to work out, more for my sanity than for anything else (and there’s a gym in my complex!) And I need to get back into taking my vitamins – especially vitamin D. Moving from Colorado to Illinois was hard if only because of the lack of sunshine here. If you struggle during the winter months – vitamin D really does make a difference!
Less TV, more other things.
Living alone means that sometimes I use TV as background noise. I find myself struggling to find something to watch and then not actually watching it. So one thing I’m going to try for a season is not turn the TV on before 6:00 p.m. with the only exception on ONE of my days off. Let’s see if replacing TV with music helps me to not go crazy in my quiet apartment. (And don’t tell me to enjoy the silence – I don’t and I just can’t do it.)
The other piece of this puzzle is to listen to more podcasts, more regularly. I have gotten into the habit of listening to some while I get ready and while I drive and it really changes out I interact with the world. I’m currently listening to the Relevant Podcast, Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey, Serial and to keep me laughing – Heather Dubrow’s World.
Uping my Spiritual Life game
One thing I’ve been really lacking in my life is intentional time in God’s word. (What?! But your a pastor! How can that be?) I’ve fallen into that trap that a lot of pastors do – I only read the bible when I need to for work. Sure, I read other books and devotionals that reference the bible, but actual time with the bible – it’s very limited. So this year I’m joining a challenge set by one of the women I follow on Instagram – to read the whole bible chronologically in 2016. I got a new journaling Bible for Christmas so I’m pretty excited.
More writing
And of course – like I say every time I post – I’m going to write more. Hopefully I will be chronically how I do with getting these things into my life. Plus I will keep up with the #FridayFives.
Here’s to trying to find rhythm to my hodge podge lifestyle in 2016. What are you trying new in 2016?

November 1, 2015

and I learned to dance with the fear that I'd been running from

This week’s #FridayFive’s prompt is Fear/Fearless. Over on MrsDisciple.com, Kelly writes about the truths that she fights fear with – truths given by God to his people through the Bible. It’s a really good post – plus a great giveaway! You should all go over there and read it too – okay? Okay!
Fear is a tricky thing. It creeps up on you and can keep you from living well. It’s a real emotion that stems from places of deep feeling – deep love and deep hurt. Fear of losing loved ones, fear of being alone, fear of sickness, tragedy, not living up to your potential. Fear is real, even when we don’t think it is, and the best way we can deal with it is to face it head on. So for my #FridayFive, I present….

#FridayFive – Ways to live Fearless

I’m no master. But I have dealt with some major fear in my life and at some point I had to look it in the eye and tell it that it wasn’t going to hold me back anymore. (And then keep doing it over and over again.) Here are five things or ways I deal with fear in my life.
The promises of God
(Like I said at the top, go read Kelly’s post for more on this one) The Bible is full of some great truths on God’s desires for our lives. He desires the best, he wants us to be whole and complete – but we live in a broken world. Things happen to us, in us, through us that cause deep deep pain. That’s what fear comes from, the deep pain we’ve either already experienced or have seen others experience. But when we read God’s words we know that he wants us to have the beautiful and free life, that one day we will be fully reconciled. We will have shalom – wholeness. We rest assured on the promises of God.
The Presence of God
I did a Beth Moore study once where she talked about fear. She encouraged us to name our biggest fear. To fill in the blank – If ___________ happens then _________. The first blank is where our fear goes and the second one she filled in with “God.” As if to say, if our biggest fears came true, then God. He will help us to pick up the pieces. About a week after that happened, my greatest fear actually happened. And she was right – God was there. His presence was so tangible in my life during that time and it helped me to walk through it. And even though now the blank has new fears in it, I can point back to what he’s already done and say – I’d be okay. It would hurt, but I’d be okay.
My People
That’s what I call my community. My closest friends and family. In the words of Jen Hatmaker – they’re my tribe. My people. And they help me to live fearlessly because I know they have my back. They are the best encouragers, the best listening ears, the best prayers. They are my ride or die people. They help me to see the beauty in my life, even in the midst of pain. They are real and vulnerable and they speak such truth and kindness into my life. I can look fear in the face because I know on either side of me, I’m flanked by my people.
The Beauty of Creation
Jesus tells his followers in the Gospels not to worry because God’s got it. Then he points to creation all around him to demonstrate his point. God has made this world around us to live in such harmony, he has orchestrated such rhythms – how can I not see that he can orchestrate rhythm from my chaos. Or what I see as chaos. In him all things are possible – even the healing of a broken heart.
Laughter
It really is the best medicine. Whenever I’m feeling the pull of fear, the weight of this world crushing in all around me – I just seek out some laughter. I call home and ask for my silliest niece. I call up my friends and say I need to dance it out. Sometimes you need to cry, to talk it all out. But other times you just need to let go and laugh. You just need a reminder that life is good and that for this moment, you’re okay. And then you just take a moment at a time.
Fear is real. Don’t let anyone downplay your fears. But when you look them in the eye, you can live fearless. What helps you to live fearless?

October 21, 2015

oh how I need you

God speaks to me through music. It’s not the only way he speaks to me, but it’s definitely a one of the main ways. And even as I type this, it seems weird. It’s always been hard to share what I mean, to put into words this feeling deep in my heart. But here’s to taking a shot at it.
There are moments, when I’m driving, walking, hanging out – when a song seems to reach out and grab my heart and squeeze. It’s a literally feeling in my chest that screams Listen to me. It’s usually when I’m deep in my own thoughts, thinking about this thing, that situation or those decisions that happen in my life. Staring off as music plays in the background, then suddenly it’s no longer in the background – it’s jumping up and down in front of my eyes telling me to pay attention.
It happened as I was driving home from Boulder one day towards the end of college. I had been given a choice, move to MI with no guarantee of more than a summer job or start over and find something new. The song was “Bold Son” by Aaron Espe. It was a clear message from God – telling me to leap and that He would catch me. So I leapt and what came after was an internship where I was given the space and the time to heal from my past and step into leadership in a safe place. An invaluable experience that led to another invaluable experience.
It happened as I was driving to church before my call process, worried about making the right choice. Praying to God that he would make it abundantly clear, like flashing sign pointing at a map clear. The song was “I Will Wait” by Mumford and Sons. The message was to wait, to stay faithful in that time but to wait. The position that I was dreaming of, the church that would be a right fit for me – it was out there, but I needed to wait. That one took a full two and a half years to come into focus. But it did eventually, and it was beautiful. (And no, there was no flashing sign)
It happened last week. As I was driving in a car with my friends through the beauty of the Pacific Northwest. This one is still not in focus. All I can tell is that the music was Andrew Belle but I’ve been looking for the song and it’s not there. The lyric I thought I heard is not on that album – which can only mean it was actually just Jesus telling me what to do. (Which is insanely humbling) But I don’t know what it means. I don’t know where it’s going to lead, but it gave me extreme comfort that he sees the situation, and he’s got it.
And it happened just now. As I was staring off in space, attempting to write a sermon for Sunday. The song was “Called Me Higher” by All Sons & Daughters. Reminding me that while yes, I could just sit in the glory of knowing him – but that he has called me higher, he has called me to be a truth teller, a fighter, a communicator, a storyteller and a story listener. He’s called me higher than I can imagine. Not towards status in the world’s sense but towards grace in the Kingdom’s sense.
God can use the most unexpected moments, the most unexpected vessels to talk to us. We see his goodness all around us in nature, in the bible, in others, but when we are seeking answers, seeking encouragement, seeking his direction sometimes we just need to listen to that tug. To be attentive to the ways he is communicating with us when we least expect it.
So in what ways do you hear from God? What are the vehicles he uses with you?