may your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground

Transition. It’s an inevitable part of life. It’s going to happen to us several times in life. I am fueled by it in a lot of ways. My life has changed so many time and in so many ways, I often find myself waiting for transitions, big changes. I can handle new, I love new. I love new challenges, the discovering of new places, making new friends, being in new situations. I love it.
What I don’t love, is the times that come right before the big change. The months/weeks/days that come right before the big change. When you already know what’s coming but you just aren’t there yet. You are in the holding pattern
As if right on time, I heard a sermon on this very topic this past Sunday. On living in the in between. It was funny to sit and listen to because honestly, I didn’t really feel it on Sunday. And now, now I’m sitting here, working on my last two things of the semester, about to watch Roomsmate graduate and move out of our little home, about to start CPE, about to move onto another phase of life. Everything is on the brink of changing. It hasn’t really changed yet but it’s about to.
And in this moment I have no choices. I can’t hold on to the past to make it stay the same. I can’t rush the future to happen faster. I just stand here knowing fully that everything is about to change.
So I wait. I try to be faithful in the in between times. I try not to let my excitement of what’s to come blur my current reality. I will try my best to enjoy these last moments of this part of my life. I will try to live in the silence. I will live in the tension between what was and what is to become.

if you ever wonder if you are in my mind

My new favorite picture of Bizzy.
I wrote a blog a while back about how I thought we needed more females like Mindy Kaling. I wrote about how I desperately wanted more people in the public eye that were better. That I wanted more people that I could point to for my nieces and goddaughter to want to be like. That I could say to them, “like these women, not Ke$ha.”
When I was home for Christmas I realized something important. My nieces and goddaughter, they don’t want to be like Ke$ha. They aren’t looking for their role models on TV and in magazines. They are looking at me. On Christmas Eve, we were all rushing around trying to get ready for church. I was in my room getting ready when I heard the door open just a crack. I look over and see a tiny little eye in the crack, my 6 year old niece, Benny. I motioned for her to come in and she burst through the door, all dressed for church. She twirled around in her dress and looked up at me for approval. I told her she looked very pretty and asked her if she needed something. She looked up and in her shy little voice that means she wants something she said, “can I watch you get ready?”
Now, I wish that I could say I was a star aunt and said yes. That I let her watch me put my make up on and we had one of those Parent Trap moments where I pretend to put blush on her. But for whatever reason, I was annoyed at something else and I told her no and sent her back upstairs.
Looking back at the moment I realized I missed out on a major Tia-Benny moment. I missed out on a precious time between us because of whatever was bugging me. When you only get to see your family 3-4 times a year you have to make those times count, and that night, I did not.
Now, our whole Christmas wasn’t like that and we had plenty of Tia-Benny times to warm my heart but I will never forget the one moment I turned her down. (just like the fact that the goddaughter remembers the ONE time in 4 years that I forgot to pick her up from school…).
But the thing I learned most from this last trip home is how much Benny and the goddaughter look up to me and see what I’m doing. Their eyes catch everything, and some day Bizzy’s will too. The question is, am I living a life that I would want them to follow? Am I being an example of a women that I want them to be?
It’s not whether or not I am a role model to them, it’s am I being the modeling the right life?