Have you ever had a moment when you’re going along life, living well, seemingly got things together and all of the sudden you get hit with a realization that maybe, just maybe, a life situation wasn’t quite what you thought it was? Maybe it’s a conviction thing, maybe it’s a realization of joy somewhere you didn’t see it before, but it comes out of nowhere and you have this desire to get it out of your head? Ever feel that way?
Well I’m feeling that way, have been for a couple of days. I’m realizing that there was something that happened in my life a couple years ago that I never really processed. Yesterday I was driving home from another great meeting with my mentor, sitting in traffic on Foster and listening to a cover of Coldplay’s “Fix You” when it hit me. The line I put as the title, “I promise you I will learn from my mistakes” … I felt this pull on my heart that is really hard to explain if you’ve never experienced it. I felt like God was whispering to me, “Have you learned? You messed up there, that time with that person, you messed that up. Have you learned?”
It was a gentle nudging, not a harsh calling out. It was like I was finally in the place to hear that that situation was equally (if not more) my fault than the other person. But it left me thinking, that situation has long been boxed up and put on a shelf. We are (seemingly) fine now. But I keep having this overwhelming feeling that I owe this person an apology. But it was two years ago! How do I go backwards and say, “whoops, my bad, I know that was my fault now and I apologize.” Wouldn’t that be unbelievably awkward? Two years is a really long time!
Then I thought to myself of the times where I have felt like someone has wronged me and I was waiting for an apology. I may have forgiven them and moved on, I may even still be friends with them. But that never changed the fact that I was (am) still wondering if they knew how much that hurt and if they were sorry for it.
More times than not, we are wrong. More times than not we accidentally hurt someone because of where we are at at the time. I didn’t purposely hurt this person, I would never want to do that, but I did. Because of where I was at and my own person bents, I hurt this person. I am aware now (with the help of friends) to realize just how much so. And I can’t help but think that this person deserves to know that I am sorry.
The thing is, we don’t have a precedent for this. We can’t actually look at what Jesus did because, being diving and perfect, he never accidentally hurt someone because of his shortcomings. We can only ask ourselves what he said about how we treat other people. And he told us to love our neighbor as ourselves. The “golden rule” of our childhood. I would never want someone to treat me this way, so it’s time for me to suck it up – awkward as it may be – and apologize.
I wish I could come to these realizations earlier so I wouldn’t be in this type of situation, but I’m stubborn, I realize that. But I can promise, I will learn from my mistakes and be more self aware next time.
yet he opened not his mouth
“The crucifixion scene is not attractive. There is much in that terrible scene to inspire revulsion. And yet – when one adds the words ‘for me’, it appears in a different light.”
I just read this in a commentary on Isaiah 53. I’m writing a paper on its use within the NT. More thoughts to come, just wanted to share that quote
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday…
There’s this song by Ben Rector called “When a Heart Breaks” and another song by Mat Kearney called “Closer to Love.” They both hit a nerve in my heart that is a bit unexplainable. They both speaks such devastating truth about the human situation as well as they (sort of) imply a kind of hope that is found in a relationship with Christ.
So often in our every day lives we think as though we don’t need Jesus. When life is going fine and there are just mild annoyances that we have to deal with – spilling coffee on yourself, stubbing your toe, forgetting your phone charger… easy things. In those little things, we don’t need Jesus, we’ve convinced ourselves that we can handle life on our own.
But then something tragic happens. Whether to us or around us and all of a sudden we realize that our lives are unbelievably fragile. The chorus of Ben Rector’s song says, “It isn’t easy, it isn’t clear and you don’t need Jesus until your here, The confusion and doubts you have up and walk away, they walk away … when a heart a breaks.”
I’ve written about it so many times on here. That gut wrenching moment when you realize that everything you have has changed, in a moment. Your entire reality has shattered. Nothing will be the same again.
Except God.
God is never changing. He’s like that tree that is still standing after the storm, miraculously. When everything around it has been leveled and it’s still standing. That’s the triune God that we worship. He never leaves during the storm, he’s still there, protecting us when the storm rages on us. And when the dust settles, He’s still got us. He’s still the pillar that won’t shake.
And that fact, that fact pulls me closer to Him. He never promised a smooth road. But he promised that he would be with us through the storm. And he always has been. Even when we are convinced that we don’t need him. Because the truth is that we do need him, every day.
I realize that these thoughts are a bit all over the place, but I’m processing some stuff and sometimes I just need the reminder that God is bigger than the tragedies of my life and the lives of my loved ones.
watch your back, I'm nobody's girlfriend
Earlier today I jokingly referred to this week as “gender week” in a text to my lovely roommate. I made this joke because in our online class this week we are discussing the roles of women in the church and in relationships and in one of her other classes they were discussing gender. In yet another class this week I got into a mild debate over gender inclusivity and why I am not the cheerleader for gender inclusive translations. (for the record, I am a cheerleader for overall inclusiveness, just not when you get away from the Greek…)
But I digress.
In an online forum for our online class this week we were asked the question of what our thoughts were on the message of the NT writings on gender roles. One of my colleagues made a post that basically gave the excuse that as a woman pursuing ministry, that was her stance in the debate. She didn’t feel the need to get involved when the debate gets started, she would just keep her mouth shut and listen rather than be a part of the discussion.
Now, to her benefit, this debate gets shoved in our faces a lot here. Being a part of a gender inclusive denomination is great, I am all for it. But the debate is constantly at the forefront of our classes, our teacher’s lectures and our forums and clubs. We can recite to you why women should be in ministry as well as quote scripture defense and tell you what scholars have debunked the verses that tell us to be silent. We are well versed in this debate, or so we think.
The thing is, that someday we are going to be in ministry outside of this little Covenant bubble. We are going to be out in the real world and faced with a lot of people who do not think we should be in ministry. And not necessarily because we aren’t called or gifted but more so because how could we be called and gifted? That’s not how God works. That’s unbiblical. And these people that think these things, they aren’t bad people, they don’t hate women. They love women, but they’ve been raised in a system that believes these things. They have never questioned it, they have never been asked to question it. It’s almost never personal…and yet that’s how it feels when we hear it.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told I’d make a great pastor’s wife. Or how I’ll do great children’s ministry some day, since the minds of children are the only ones I can mold. I’ve been asked why I’m in seminary if women can’t be pastors. I’ve been asked if women are allowed to be pastors. I’ve been told that with ambition like mine, I’ll never get married. I’ve been asked if I’m only pursuing ministry because I’m not married. I’ve been asked where a man fits into my “life plan”. I’ve gotten it all. And the worst is when it comes from those closest to me. People who know how independent I am. People who know my passions and gifts.
And I have to tell myself over and over, it’s not personal. It’s not me they are questioning, it’s the system they have grown up in.
But this is why we, as women, cannot just sit there and look pretty. My choice of vocation is not enough to educate people. I have to know the debate, I have to know what to say when those questions come up. Even if it means that people will think worse of me, even if I get called a feminist. Even if I become “intimidating” and shunned for it.
(PS…today’s title comes from a recently loved Matt Nathanson song called “Modern Love,” it’s my jam. I just like the sassiness of the girl he describes and the fact that she is unapologetic about it and that THAT’S why he is intrigued by her. It makes me happy, although I realize that out of context that’s a weird sentence.)
they sleep with hornets and wonder why they wake up stung
Last week my best friend sent me an e-mail with a link to a video about the kinds of messages we (corporate we – media) are sending young girls about who they are, what they should be and what they should stand for. It was actually a trailer for a longer movie and had celebrity interviews, input from developmental psychologists and clips from popular culture. In short – it was heart breaking. Seriously heart-breaking to think that there are so many voices and factors in our culture that tell girls to just stand still and look hot. (not even pretty – hot…or slutty, basically interchangeable)
There are all sort of really crappy messages out there for girls. And pop culture is full of really bad examples of what it means to be a woman and how to act in general life.
In the midst of things like the Real Housewives of…., The Bachelorette, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, and Charlie Sheen’s goddesses we are in more need now of positive role models for young girls. And I’m not even going to get started on the whole “child star turned crazy pop goddess on stripper poll” debacles that grace the front page of .
We need real life role models. We need women who are powerful without being mean, beautiful without showing off everything, strong without bull dozing people to get there. We need women who are positive role models and who are gonna show a more civilized way of living that reflects the way we were created to be.
We need more Mindy Kalings and Zooey Deschanels in this world. In my last blog I linked a couple of websites I’ve been enjoying lately, including Hello Giggles and Mindy Kaling’s blog. I heard an interview with the creators of Hello Giggles and how they try so hard to provide a comedy website that is positive and not trashy. They don’t allow negative comments or anything like that, and they patrol it to make sure that happens. This kind of thing brings me some sort of hope. That there are celebrities out there that are understanding the minds they are shaping by merely being famous.
And Mindy Kaling. Girl, I cannot say enough good things about this woman. She’s smart, funny, beautiful and in so many ways the kind of person I would love for my nieces and goddaughter to want to be more like. I’ve been reading and re-reading excerpts from her book that comes out next month and realizing more and more how appreciative I am that someone can comment on life and give advice that isn’t about sleeping around and showing off what ya got.
I know that I can’t fully endorse everything that women like Mindy Kaling and Zooey Deschanel stand for or say, nor should I. I mean we still need to teach our girls to be critical thinkers and to throw what they see, read and hear against what they know to be true. But for the most part, these women are paving the way for a new kind of leading lady. Not the fully incapable size 0 woman who falls apart when her outfit doesn’t look right or a boy doesn’t call, but a real woman who thinks, cares, loves and lives life to the fullest.
That’s the kind of women I want to see more of in the news and on TV. The real woman who makes me proud to be a woman too. Those are the people we need to be supporting with our money, our attitudes and our web influence.
raindrops on roses
Here’s the latest edition of the roommate and my vlog. This is our second ‘episode’ and we’ve had a ton of fun planning and executing these vlogs so we hope you enjoy them too.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJIkPc6XyRg]
Things mentioned in this vlog:
http://hellogiggles.com/
http://theconcernsofmindykaling.com/
http://www.fox.com/new-girl/
I thought I had you figured out
…or why I like second year of seminary more than first year…
Community takes time. It takes investment, it takes patience and it takes continuity. It’s almost impossible to be able to say to someone, “You don’t seem like yourself today,” if you’ve only known them for a week. Which is why, even in an intense community situation as seminary is, I repeat myself – Community takes time.
This second year of seminary comes with a lot more responsibility on my shoulders. Not to mention I’ve traveled/am traveling quite a bit which means that although I’m in week 4 of classes, I have yet to have a full week of class and yet to find a rhythm. I know that a lot of people say that ministry is a lot like this, which is true, but there comes a point where I think to myself that maybe I’ve taken a little too much on this year.
So when I woke up this morning feeling less than great the thought crossed my mind that maybe I could miss class to get better. However, I missed this class last week, so I pulled myself out of bed, got it together and went to class. Now, this particular class is probably on of my favorites to date here at NPTS, but this morning the two and a half hours of lecture and switching between Greek and Hebrew was giving me a massive headache. I knew that I wasn’t participating the way that I should be but I could barely keep up with discussion must less add in my ideas. At the end of class, as I was packing up, I glanced up and made eye contact with my professor. He softly asked me if I was doing alright.
Now this particular professor is one of the most pastoral minded people I have ever met. He has this way of checking in with you that is so consistent and caring without being too intrusive or annoying. So when he asks if I’m doing alright, I know that the facade I tried to put on this morning was unsuccessful. This professor knows the things I’m involved with in the seminary community, knows that I was out of town last week and knows that usually I am much more vocal than I was today. He followed up to ask me if I was getting caught up okay to which I simply replied that I was working on it. He made the observation that I was a bit more low key than usual today.
In a conversation that lasted a total of about 20 seconds he expressed so much care and concern for my well being that I walked into the hall feeling a tad bit better. This is the product of taking the time to build community. He takes the time to get to know the lives of his students well enough to know exactly when to ask and when to push.
The thing that is so great about our community here is that all our teachers are like this. They all take the time to invest in us, to teach us, to pray for us and to be involved in our lives. They learn the details of our lives in order to figure out how to teach us better, how to care for us better. It’s an amazing thing that happens after you’ve spent a year in class with them and enter into your second year. I can’t imagine what third year will bring next year.
So what’s our response to this care and compassion shown to us by these faculty and staff members? The obvious is to do our homework and pay attention in class. The less obvious is to live in a way that it shows that we have been taught well. To go into ministry fighting for the things that matter and standing on the foundation of the Gospel. To invest in ourselves and our education.
All this to say, the first year of seminary is great too, but second year…yeah, second year is good.
let the good times roll
Before I start I need everyone reading this to know that this entry is only about 15% for real…the remainder 85% is an exaggeration of my true feelings.
Because I have had way too many “serious” thoughts on here lately and frankly too many in my head as well, I thought I’d write a little bit about the art of “loving your team”.
I don’t know if you know this about me but I’m a Broncos fan and I have been for the entire 26 years of my life. To say that my family bleeds blue and orange may be an understatement..case in point? My family has had season tickets to the Broncos for over 30 years, including the 11 years that we spent living in New Jersey. The tickets originated in my grandfather’s name, then were divided between one of my uncles and my dad. Thus, for the entirety of my own life we have owned two seats in the old Mile High Stadium, then the Invesco at Mile High Stadium and now the Sports Authority at Mile High Stadium.
Currently the tickets are managed and paid for by my older brother with the understanding that when I am in town I have the rights to the seats. Because I live out of town it’s easy for us to manage who goes to what games, usually I come waltzing into town and get the two seats for myself and whoever I may want to take with me. Now before you get all defensive for my brother, I’m usually only in town for 2 or 3 games, he gets the rest all to himself.
The only game that we fight over is the one game a year that means the most to both of us. It’s the Raiders game. Growing up a Broncos fan means growing up a Raiders Hater. It’s probably our most intense rivalry (second being the Cheifs in case you were wondering.) So before I moved away from Denver the Brother and I had a deal that when that one game came around, we’d go together because it was the only fair way of doing it.
This year the Raiders game fell on opening weekend on Monday Night. Now, if you follow Football even the smallest amount you know that’s kind of a big deal. Right?? Right. So that older brother of mind decided to be awesome and flew me in for the weekend to attend this coveted game with him. (yep, I’ll keep him, he’s a great guy).
So last night found me 10th row in the corner of the North Endzone cheering on my boys. Decked out in orange and even with a little face paint on. The game was going great, however, it started raining. At first it was a sprinkle but then it just started dumping on us. So there I was, in jeans and a jersey, my coat in the car, getting drenched. But did I leave the stands? NO WAY.
See, dedication as a fan means sticking through it in the good and bad. That means weather too. Not every game can be a 2:15 game with the sun shining and the temperature hovering at 70. No, no, somedays you get rain, others you might get snow, still others bring hail or just the freezing cold wind of Denver. But you stay in your seats and you take it because the players are and it’s all about solidarity right?
I should probably stop to mention that this whole fan thing is pretty easy when you’re team has the ability to go undefeated or make the play offs at least. I mean you can get really drenched for a team that is kicking their rivals butts…but what does that solidarity look like when you’re a Broncos fan and your team is … well, to be frank, a little challenged in the scoring department.
Now, I’m not saying I’m a better fan than most just because my team has had a few rough gos and I haven’t jumped ship…but … oh, wait, I might be.
Just kidding. (sort of). I will say this. As much trash I talked about a certain quarterback last night who seemed to forget that his ONE job is to get the ball over the goal line… I love all my Broncos.
And loving them means flying halfway across the country to go to their opening game. It means painting my face (only a little, a girl has her standards) and yelling really loud and high fiving everyone around me at the game. It means missing two days of class and spending an entire weekend getting about a week behind in school just for the chance to sit in my favorite seats, next to my favorite game watcher and watch my boys play live.
But loving them also means calling them out on being the kind of dumb dumbs that throw interceptions, get sacked and drop the ball from time to time. I mean, iron sharpens iron right?
you can breathe now
After starting to write this blog I’ve realized I have a lot to say about what it looks like to love your neighbor. I think in response to that, I have decided to start a little mini-series on here. I think I’m going to unofficially call it “Adventures in loving those around us” … Sounds a little cheesy but I think it’s something my heart is being drawn to. So I’m going to start going big instead of going home and I’m going to write about things I’m observing.
I’m going to start off a little on the light side and talking about loving that neighbor that’s your bestie…
I also realize that I have said a lot about relationships lately, yet at the same time I haven’t said enough. I haven’t been able to really put into words the things that have been mulling around in my head as of late. So here’s another attempt…
During one’s first year of Seminary there are a series of tests that you have to take to find out more about yourself and what you need to work on in Seminary. One of them is the infamous Myers-Briggs. Upon taking it I wasn’t shocked to find out I’m a pretty strong Extravert. Not new news to me. I’ve always known that I’m a people person. I’m fueled by people.
In Seminary and ministry alike it’s important to know what fuels you. If you’re an introvert than that’s important to recognize and embrace so that you can refuel every once and a while with some alone time. If you’re an extravert, like a lot of pastors, it seems as if you are golden, considering that in ministry you are often with people.
So last week, after several days of being with people all day, I should have been feeling great, right? Wrong. I was exhausted. It’s a common misconception that Extraverts can and will be fueled by being with people – any people group. Being in Seminary I have discovered that this is very untrue, especially for me.
It can basically be distinguished by a question asked of me on Friday night by one of our incoming students. After confessing that I was exhausted even though our orientation had gone so well and I was loving every moment of it, I had said something about although I am an extravert, this kind of thing sometimes drain me more than fuel me. Then he asked, “So, who do you have in your life that refuels you without you being a resource to them?”
It was a complicated question, especially coming off of a few days of being introduced as “Alicia Vela, President of SA.” I had my “president” hat on at all times. It’s exhausting always being the person with the answers. Even though for the most part I love this position, it is exhausting.
The question this new friend asked me got me thinking. Who in my life are the people that fuel me? As an extravert, where do I go for some refueling time? Who in my life allows me to hang out with them without being a resource to them?
It was pretty obvious because that particular night, instead of going home or going out with the group of people who were all going to hang out, I went to the apartment of two close friends and watched a movie. I was on E after a crazy week and instead of being alone, I chose to go hang out with two people that refuel me. Sure, I didn’t get a ton of sleep that night but the next morning I was ready for another day of crazy orientation. ((disclaimer: I have several people in my life here like this, these two aren’t the only ones, just a recent example.))
See, in ministry (and in Seminary) we need to be able to be honest with ourselves about who in our lives are life-giving. Who do we go to when we are exhausted and need nothing more than to sit on a couch and watch a dumb movie. Who do we let our guard down with completely, enough so that they become insiders in our world.
There’s a quote by an author I love that encourages us to seek out people that think the way we think. To surround ourselves with others that see life as an adventure, that help us to see the beauty all around us. I would also encourage us to find the people that accept us when we have nothing left to give. The people who embrace us in those moments.
Who is it in your life? Who are the people that you’re never too tired to see? Who are the people in your life who you let see all of you? The people that show up no matter what?
Once you have identified those people, show up for them. Friendship is a two way street. It is hard, it is messy, it is sometimes complicated and hard. But it is one of the most beautiful things we have on earth. We need to show our friends the respect and honor that this vulnerability deserves. We need to be there when it’s hard and painful, when it’s pee your pants funny, when it’s boring, when it’s awkward … we need to be there at all times, in all seasons. Even when we don’t know what to say. Even when we’ve done wrong and don’t know how to fix it.
Because we were called to love one another. And this is just one aspect of that love.
I'm walking on the wire and you're holding me steady
I’ve moved around a lot. I moved as a toddler, as a high school student, right after college, then a year later, then two years later, then a year later… So you could say that this type of lifestyle doesn’t exactly breed deep, long lasting friendships. I grew up in a small town where you know everyone in town and everyone knows you. I moved early on in high school to a school that opened brand new and no one really knew each other. So graduating high school was great, but wasn’t with people I had known my whole life. Back then we didn’t even really have many ways to keep in touch with those people I grew up with.
I have one friend that I keep in touch with from high school. And the irony of that is we didn’t even know each other in high school. We met in a bible study in college. I commuted all four years of college and didn’t make a ton of close friends in Boulder. Although I had close friends that I made outside of school. Then I graduated from college and moved away. I lived in MI for 6 months, then moved home, then to Kansas City where I stayed a year and a half. Then Colorado for a year, and now I’m starting my second year in Chicago.
I should also mention, I kind of suck at long distance friendships. Twitter/phones/blogs/google+ etc makes it a little easier but altogether I’m pretty bad at it. So I have that going against me.
Then add in that I’m probably the worst friend to my closest friends. I know how backwards that sounds but I am flighty at times. I am a text book social butterfly and constantly need to be moving. I’m also a text book non-innitiater. Add those things together it’s super easy for my closest friends to feel the most neglected. So there’s another strike.
But the thing is, I long for those close relationships. I long to have people just get me, understand why certain things enrage me, make me cry, make me laugh. Those are the relationships that fuel me, that make me really feel loved. And I dream of some day being able to say “Oh, we’ve been friends for 20/30/40 years”. I want to have those relationships, but knowing that I’m not very good at them makes it difficult.
I becamse increasinly aware of this and thankful for grace last night. I was sitting on the couch next to my best friend and after a night mix-ups and delays, we were celebrating their 5th anniversary with pizza and their dvr. I remember their wedding like it was yesterday. I remember them meeting a year before that and walking alongside of her while she realized this was the man she loved and wanted to spend her life with. She’s the person who knows the most about me on this earth. As we were sitting there, casually catching up on our weeks, I made some remark about an immature decision I made that week, and she called me on it without missing a beat. With no more than 10 words she gave me about 15 reasons why I needed to walk away from this particular situation. It was amazing. A task only she could accomplish that efficiently.
See, relationships take a lot of work up front. We all know that. It takes dedication and vulnerability. But the long term takes work too. It takes phone calls, email, visits, intentionality. All things I’m less than great at. Which is why I am thankful for the grace of my close friends, you know who you are, who allow me to be forgetful, call me out on it and talk it out so we can move on.
Friendships. When done right are a phenomenon. They don’t make sense that people could possibly love you this much and you them. It’s not logical that we can learn to depend on someone else in a way that we do our friends. It’s not logical to let someone in that far, with the chance to break your heart. And yet, we do it. Sometimes it turns out well, sometimes it hurts like hell. But one thing’s for sure. It’s totally worth it.
Cause like I’ve said on here before, friends can’t actually change things in your life to make it suck less. But they can sit around a table with you, on a roof in Chicago and make you laugh. They can encourage you, speak to your soul, love you when you don’t love yourself and basically, be Jesus to you.
So go out, tell those you love the most that you appreciate them. And try to be Jesus to them, learn to love them better.