Pastoral Identity. We spend so much time talking about it in Seminary. So much time thinking about it. We talk about how hard it is to nail down, how hard it is to believe in yourself, how hard it is to listen to that small voice of God saying you are called and gifted – especially in the face of every day life and ministry.
Then you get into your first call. People start referring to you as their Pastor. You fill out your taxes as a self employed member of the clergy. You get your ministry license. Later you get your ordination. Your denomination recognizes you or your congregation if you are a non-denominational pastor. You start to put Rev. in front of your name – or not. Everything point to the fact that you are the pastor. Your identity should be rock solid right?
You are Pastor.
But then you’re out in the “real world” one day and you think about the work that you do in comparison to those sitting around you at the coffee shop. Or someone asks you what you do and then responds in one of those many hurtful or confusing ways…
“You’re a what?”
“You don’t look like a Pastor.”
“But you’re so young.”
“But you’re not wearing a collar – you don’t dress like a pastor.”
“Can women even be Pastors?”
“You must mean you work with children. Or do you do women’s ministry?”
The thing about being a pastor is that it permeates every single space of your life. It makes a lot of life decisions for you. The way you act, the things you do, or don’t do. I can’t really think of another profession that has that much power over your life.
Because the thing with Pastoral Identity, is that it isn’t your average profession. It’s a calling on your life from God. It’s different. It’s in the Other category. But our brains can’t fully handle it. They can’t fully comprehend what it looks like when there isn’t anything to compare it to. Just like I look at people in other professions and think “I could never do that…” I shouldn’t be surprised when they look at mine and think the same thing. Right?
So what does it mean to struggle with Pastoral Identity? To have something so contextualized to your specific call but also your general call. Because I believe that I was created in a way, gifted in a way that prompted me to be called by God to be a pastor. He has equipped me and shaped me to be a pastor. Simultaneously, I have been called by the church I serve to be a specific type of pastor – to serve a specific congregation, in a specific town, during a specific time.
There are things that I believe that God has called me to be about that effect my position and vice versa. So how do I remain faithful to both at one time? Pastoral Identity means we are constantly asking a series of questions about ourselves and our world – What does it mean to be a pastor here? What does it mean to be single and a pastor? What does it mean to be female and a pastor? What does it mean to be Latina and a pastor? What does it mean to be a pastor?
How do we figure it all out? Through community and BY THE GRACE OF GOD. We interact with the Spirit and we try our hardest to decipher what He is leading us to. And we attempt to walk the walk.
The thing is – I look at other around me in the coffee shop and I think to myself, “I could never do that.” Because I believe in my call. I believe that I was created for this and I now that I wholeheartedly love it.
it's all coming back to me now
When I was in high school, there were things that my youth pastor did that I thought all youth pastors did. They were little quirky things that were a regular part of our youth group meetings, missions trips and services. It wasn’t until I was in ministry myself and sharing ideas with other pastors that I realized that was specific to my youth pastor and my youth group. The other thing I realized was that usually they were things that when you look back at it – it’s completely ridiculous.
Example – On one mission trip I was on, at the end of every day we gathered together as a group to recap the day. During which we would do “Rotten Thermos” and something like “Mad Props” – basically it was a chance to nominate someone who had done something great (Mad Props) or funny/not so great (Rotten Thermos). After we went around and shared for each of these, our youth pastor would decide on a winner for each and there was usually a prize/penalty for that person. But instead of just choosing who won, she had a “person” in her finger that would tell her the winner. We all thought it was the funniest thing ever – or at least I did.
The other day I was remembering this and thinking to myself – I wonder what the kids in my ministry are going to look back and laugh about when they are grown up?
Then it hit me.
On our retreat last year for 3rd-5th graders I started something called “Pastor Alicia Points.” They were ways of encouraging them to be kind and helpful to one another. They got a point if I caught them doing something kind or helping each other (or me). And then magically, by the end of the weekend, they were all tied! There was no winner or loser, just a group of kids who had all spent the weekend being nice to one another.
Now, almost a year later, this has spilled over into the classroom. When we are reviewing the story from last week or talking through various bible stories, I offer up extra “points” to the kids who can remember small details from the story. I also give out random “points” for when they are being quiet during story time or doing well at a task.
The thing about these points is that they don’t really exist. It’s not like we have a chart in the room that has each child’s name and how many points they’ve gotten. It’s a completely valueless reward system. They’ve even stopped asking how many points they have, or for prizes that go along with the points.
It’s mind boggling to me really, one of those things that I was using as a means to an end – the end being well behaved and easier to manage kids during a sugar high filled retreat. And it has become a staple in our interactions. Last week I asked a question in our Kids’ Club and someone responded with, “Do I get extra points if I can remember his name?”
This all just hit me in the last week. I wonder at what point in their growing up are they going to look back and think that I was crazy? I mean – I don’t think my youth pastor was crazy. It’s just a fond memory of her. Here’s hoping it’s a fond memory for these kids and that they don’t feel ripped off.
Also if you are reading this and go to our church – please don’t tell them! Let’s just call it my own “Elf on the Shelf.”
it's hard to get around the wind
I attended a meeting at my home church while in town last week and all of the parents in the meeting corresponded with moments in my first few years of ministry experience.
Two sets of parents whose kids I taught in Sunday School when I was a teenager.
A handful of sets of parents whose kids were in the 5th and 6th grade program that I ran in my first internship.
One parent who fit in both the above and had a daughter I was in youth group with.
Before the meeting started one parent gave me a huge hug and said to me, “My son still has hanging in his room a note that you wrote him when you left here and every time I see it I think about you and wonder how you’re doing.” She asked where I was and I filled her in on the details.
But her statement kind of stuck to me. Her son was in 6th grade when I left. He was a staple at our gatherings with his best friend but was really shy and rarely talked to me. I never would imagine that he would still have that little note I wrote him all these years later. Now he’s a junior in high school. still a staple in their youth group, sings on their worship team. Like most my former students I get to see his life unfold via Facebook posts of our mutual friends.
In ministry, there are no guarantees. There are days filled with heart bursting joy, there are days filled with heart breaking sorry. And there are days that fit squarely in between those two extremes.
But some days you get the exact reminder you need that you’re still called to walk this journey with people when those days come you thank the Lord for his provision and strength.
You give me peace like a river
I’ve written about Shalom on here before right? I mean the title of this blog is Striving for Shalom. It’s a concept that I am deeply DEEPLY in love with. A wholeness – a oneness with God that he intended for his people, promises us at the end of our days and that Christ gave us through the Holy Spirit after his resurrection in John’s account of his life. It’s a beautiful almost lyrical word that rolls off my tongue with all of its hope and complexity.
It’s a word that I love, a concept that I want to shout from the roof tops – THIS IS WHAT GOD INTENDED FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!
And this week I’m charged with teaching this word to our children at church. As I process it out I think of all the words I use to describe Shalom, all the hints to how broken the world is that most adults know and understand all to well. I think of explaining Shalom from the point of brokenness – as a contrast to the world we already know.
But Kids?! They probably understand Shalom far better than we do. They probably can remember a moment in time that they have felt this complete wholeness – all of their needs and wants met. They’ve probably experienced it in the last month, week or even day.
I think of my nieces. The Eldest would not describe her life as perfect – she has an annoying little sister who is always reeking havoc on her life. Mini Monster steals her toys, throws things, breaks things and is entirely too loud for Eldest’s taste.
Mini Monster would probably describe her life as perfect, except for when she is being told that she cannot have one of her sister’s toys. Or when she is told she cannot smother the new Baby with her kisses and hugs. Her day is full of craziness, noise and chaos. She may love this noise and chaos, I would hope so considering she is the one who creates it.
But then I think of the other moments in Mini Monster or Eldest’s lives that are full of peace. For Eldest it’s when Mini Monster is sleeping and she gets everyone’s attention to herself. She lies on the couch with her head in my lap. As I stroke her hair I watch her silently drift off to sleep. She feels fully protected, comforted, safe… she is at peace.
For Mini MOnster these moments are rare. She has a much more outgoing personality. Her peaceful moments come when she is surrounded by her loved ones. Squeezed in between my mom and me being tickled and giggling. There’s a moment for Mini Monster right after she has exhausted herself with laughing and being silly when she takes a deep breath and nuzzles deeper between us with a big grin across her face. She feels fully loved, content, supported … she is safe.
Then there’s the Baby. Her peace at times seems much more easy to attain. She wants to be clean, fed and warm. When she was first born she just wanted to be held. If we put her down for any length of time she would cry and cry. But as soon as we picked her up and held her close she would calm down. She just needed to know that she was not alone, she would feel the warmth of whoever was holding her, feel the heartbeat of that person and be content. She feels fully protected, her needs met …she is at peace.
Shalom is all about the fullness of peace. The promise of Jesus is that we have access to that peace now. That yes, Shalom was what was intended for us and what we have to look forward to in heaven but that it is also a gift from him now, in the midst of this world.
So for a kid, whose world is, for the most part, carefree, maybe the promise of Shalom is enough. If they can identify what it looks like to them, maybe it’s enough for them to grow up hearing over and over again that Shalom is available to them now.
my sin upon his shoulder
I asked our Kids’ Club class if they knew what happened on Palm Sunday – what are we celebrating?
“JESUS DIED!!!!” – screamed by more than one of them.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Well, not yet, that’s what we are celebrating on Good Friday. Does anyone remember what happened before that?”
“WAIT!” one of our third grade girls has that look on her face that she gets when she is processing something. I can almost see her flipping through the storybook in mind, trying to remember the story she’s been told before – “Is it the day that Jesus rode the donkey?”
I grin back at her and nod my head, “That’s right! And does anyone remember the name of the town?” In my mind this question was going to go unanswered. I didn’t expect them to pull that long name out of their memories but as happens most of the time in this classroom, they surprise me.
“JERUSALEM!!”
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“I have a hard time celebrating Good Friday.”
It was almost like a whisper, a quiet confession to his wife and me. We had been reflecting on how great of a morning it was at church. Such a joyful celebration of Jesus’ arrival in Jerusalem. And looking forward to Good Friday – a service that is near and dear to our hearts as Pastors of this church.
We didn’t respond right away, then we tried to acknowledge the admitted truth while still holding our excitement. Yes, it’s the sad part of the story but it means so much to us as followers of Christ. He continues his train of thought, “I mean it would be a tragic story even if it was a no name person on the cross – but it’s Jesus.”
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The palpable excitement that I felt from the kids as they shouted “Jesus dies!!” may seem disheartening. It may seem like an inappropriate response. But its not. I don’t think they have really felt the weight of what it means for Christ to die not only for us but because of us. Because of the Sin that is present in all of us. For the children it is a disconnect, they know that sin is the problem Christ died to fix but they don’t connect that with themselves. It happened so long ago, it’s just a fact they can rattle off about their faith but their personal experience of sin is limited.
But we all grow up. We all eventually realize what sin is, we feel the effects of it when its used against us. We feel the failure of falling short when we sin ourselves. Then we see that Christ died for us because of this sin, to solve the problem of sin in our lives and it simultaneously breaks our hearts and gives us hope.
That’s the scandalous nature of the crucifixion. The idea that the Lord of Heaven and Earth would come to earth, live a perfect life and then die for humanity. The penalty for sin is death and he takes it upon himself.
But the story doesn’t end there, on the third day He rises again. He is the Risen Lord, beating death so that we may have life. This truth is what we need to cling to rather than the sting of his death for and because of us. We must hold steadfast to the hope of the resurrection, it’s what can keep us going in a world where we are surrounded by sin and brokenness.
life taught me to die
Last week I was watching a favorite TV show of mine and was struck again at the poor representation God was getting from the “Christian” character on the show. It happens so often when I watch TV shows where one character is meant to have faith – or when characters interact with an unknown God. There have been few times when I’ve seen a character talk about God that I could see myself in.
Don’t get me wrong, some shows/movies do an excellent job of portraying faith issues or asking hard questions for us to wrestle with. But when it comes to portraying what it looks like to follow Christ, it’s mostly a miss in my opinion.
Then I think, no wonder there are so many people who misunderstand those who categorize themselves as Christ followers. Between pop culture’s version of us, celebrity pastors in the news fighting all the time, and the misconception that everyone who follows Christ looks exactly the same – there is little interaction with the actual Creator of the universe.
I remember saying to my friend as we watched this particular show – when will hollywood get it right? But the question on my mind actually is – why are we waiting for hollywood to get it right? Why do we sit back and simply roll our eyes at these portrayals of our faith? Of the one we follow?
Why are we walking away from the Church? Why are we letting political views and musical styles choose where and how we worship the Lord? Why are we watering down our belief systems to draw people in and then setting a list of impossible standards for them to meet?
There are real problems facing the Church. Real debates to be had about how we interact with the world around us. But walking away from the Church, rejecting the religion because its flawed – it’s not the answer. The less we work together, the more divisive the Church becomes. No wonder we are being misrepresented, we are misrepresenting the one who has called us. It’s time to re-engage. Time to stick around for the fight. It’s time for us to stay and disprove the image we have been given.
eternity in your hands
It’s overcast today. Pretty dark outside – the kind of day that makes you want to crawl back into bed rather than work.
I’m also working on a sermon today on Creation and Christ’s role in Creation. So I’m waist deep in some muddy Greek talk about Colossians 1:15-20. I’m in the trenches with this Greek scholar, making my NT professor from Seminary proud. I’m trying to put in the work.
Simultaneously, our Worship Director is practicing songs for Sunday morning. The same songs that will be surrounding my sermon. And in this building without real ceilings to keep sound in, I can hear him practice even though I can’t see him.
We picked the songs in our meeting on Monday, I knew that they would correspond well with the topic that I’m preaching on. And yet I’m still shocked, as he sings the words and I hear the praise rise to the deserving firstborn over all creation.
It’s a powerful moment to stop and think of the significance of our Savior standing before creation, existing before any of this existed. Creating the world out of love for his people, love for us. And then his coming to earth to love for us, to die for us. It’s an amazing act of sacrifice and love that he was pleased to do (Col 1:19).
Which begs the question, how do respond to this love? Are we serving our purpose as creation to worship the Holy One?
life in eden changed
I’ve been mulling around some thoughts about millenials lately. It’s been dominating conversations I’ve been having recently and has therefore been taking up some headspace.
I’ve also been watching a lot of Aaron Sorkin TV shows (namely The West Wing). It’s almost created a post or two about why I’m so drawn to these show and how I feel about millenials.
And then I read this blog post.
Rachel Held Evans has done it again. Taken the very same conversation that has been on my mind and written a lovely blog about it.
I agree with almost everything she says in this post. I see my friends retweet and share it on Facebook and I have hope that this conversation can hopefully spark some change.
It seems as though I’ve been wading water recently. I feel stuck in the in-between. I have graduated, received that little piece of paper that says that I am “trained” to be a pastor. I’ve met with leaders of our denomination who have encouraged me and affirmed my gifts and my call. I’ve put in the time, done the internships.
And now I wait. Wait for a call. Wait for what my life will look like moving forward.
And this in-between time has allowed my mind to wander. I’ve finally allowed myself to dream about what my ministry could look like. The excitement of starting something new comes in waves these days. A new area to explore, a new congregation’s worth of stories to hear, a new set of people to explore the Story with. It’s exciting.
I’ve been watching Season 6 of The West Wing. And once again I’m struck by the inspiration that the characters just seem to ooze. I see the glimmer of this excitement in Josh Lyman’s eye when he starts to think about who should be President next. I see that glimmer as he convinces his candidate to run, saying that together they could make a difference.
But then they start the campaign and simultaneously they start to fight. Because they don’t see the country in the same way, they don’t know how to do what they want to do together. They have these yelling matches in which you can feel the tension between them. And it reminds me of the church.
You see, I think millenials are leaving the church for all the reasons that Rachel Held Evans says, but I think there’s more to it. I think that the touch of entitlement and selfishness of the millenial generation plays into the scenario as well. We show up and assume that church should look like what we want it to look like and when it doesn’t, we’re out.
We don’t stick around for the fight. We don’t allow our voices to be heard because we’ve been told again and again that we aren’t the ones in charge. And I get that, I get the idea that no one is listening to me so why should I stick around. But the thing is, that some churches are listening, or trying to listen. Some churches are working on how to make the church deeper and not just wider.
I once heard a talk from Phyllis Tickle, talking about how the older generation needs the younger generation to be able to move the church forward. But that the younger generation needs the older generation to make sure we don’t move forward at an unsustainable pace.
It’s just like Josh Lyman and his candidate. Josh needs his candidate’s big dreams because he understands the cries of the people, but the candidate needs Josh’s expertise in how to get there. And together they can make it happen.
So millenials – please don’t keep leaving. It may be a hard road to see the change in the Church that we need right now, but it won’t happen if you keep leaving. I’m not promising it will be easy, it won’t be. But Jesus didn’t call us to the easy road, he called us to the one that leads to him.
If we keep leaving the church instead of fighting for what we believe is the truth of the gospel, then we prove the writers of Time Magazine right about our generation. But if we stay and work alongside of those already in the Church, we live up to the best of what Rachel Held Evans is saying about us.
caught in the storm
I recently listened to a lecture that was dated two years ago at RTS given by Dr. Harold O.J. Brown to his Pastoral and Social Ethics class entitled Racial Prejudice. You can find this lecture on iTunes U if you wish to listen to it in correspondence with this post. I will try my best to summarize the points I’m making in this points.
Before I begin, allow me put a few things out there, because I come at this lecture with a bias, many biases for that matter. I am bi-racial. My mom is Caucasian and my dad was a third generation Mexican American. The majority of my formative years were spent in a predominately white town where the only person of color I knew was my dad. Since then I’ve come to term with what it means to be bi-racial if only because of the force of others pointing out that I did not belong. My background with racial prejudice comes from the idea that I am the other, to everyone.
Enter in Dr. Brown’s lecture. There were a few points in Dr. Brown’s lecture that I resonated with, but predominately there were points that made me shake my head, a couple of times checking the date of the lecture in disbelief.
Dr. Brown rightly denounced the practice of Scientific Racism (think Nazi Germany or The Bell Curve), pointing out that it is unbiblical to believe that some races are superior to others. He did this on the premise that we are all created in God’s image, and if that is true than all races must be made equal for we are all made in the image of God. This biblical principle was the foundation of most of his lecture, which I resonate with. Biblically speaking, racism shouldn’t exist because it has no roots in the Word.
This is where Dr. Brown and I start down differing paths within the racial discussion in the Church and in America. Instead of going point by point through the lecture, there were two main arguments that I want to flush out a little here.
Dr. Brown states that Christians have a fairly good record in racism, the evidence being in the fact that we strive to convert everyone. He goes on to say that as Christians we should feel good about how we have handled racism, in comparison to the rest of the world that is. He goes on to say that we could do better by God’s standards but that we should be proud that we are at least better than the rest of the world.
Secondly, Dr. Brown closes his lecture with the statement that Christians are not biblically required to take part in civil action. He shows scripture to be about the people, the families and individuals and that we should leave the civil action to the government.
This is where I whole heartedly disagree with Dr. Brown. I’ve heard it quoted that the Church is the most segregated institution within the US. Sunday mornings come and we flood to churches with people that look like us, act like us, have similar histories as we do. This may not be outright racism, but it is definitely a marker of a racist environment that we were raised in.
Racism is a big issue to tackle. It is a multi-faceted issue. It takes place on a personal level, a structural level, an institutional level and so many other levels. The closer we look at our own trends and biases, the more we see the ugly face of racism. In our schools, our government, our churches and- heaven forbid- our families.
All this to say, how can we as Christians not take civil action seriously? How can we sit aside and allow institutional racism continue to oppress people? People who were created in the image of God just like each of us were?
For us to stay silent is for us to go against the very nature of why Jesus came to the earth (Luke 4). We are called to care for the orphan, the widow, the poor and more times than not that care looks like trying to break the cycles that made them orphans and widows…
Thoughts?
lead me to the cross
Most of you know that our church is currently in the book of Exodus. We’ve been there all year, we will continue through the rest of this year. Some of you also know that as a staff we spend time dwelling in the Word together each week. This is a story about both of those facts.
Last week we were dwelling in Exodus 15:22-27. One of the questions posed to us was “What sparks your imagination? or What grabs your attention?” My answer was found simply at the end of verse 26 when God makes a promise to the Israelites and then says, “For I am the Lord who heals you.”
After we had discussed the text there was a moment where one of the guys said, “Exodus is all about God revealing who he is to the Israelites, we are learning about his character.”
The beautify in these simple words – For I am the Lord who heals you.- is the fact that it’s one of the first moments where we see this side of our Lord. The New Testament is filled with this imagery but in the Old Testament we see a more conquering God, especially within the Exodus story. We see the God that sends the plagues and proves his might and his power. The Lord over all the earth and everyone in it.
But the softer side comes out in this little end of a verse. The Lord who not only conquers our enemies and provides food for us, but Chooses to heal us.
Restores us.
Picks us up, dusts us off and places our feet on solid ground.
In a world of brokenness and wounded hearts, I choose the God who identifies himself as the One who Heals.