Author: amvela

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as the days keep turning into night

This has been one crazy week of ministry.  It’s been up and down emotionally speaking but through it all, God has shown me some great moments of beauty, community and faithfulness.  I’ve been a bit busy to write, but I’ll try to catch up. #famouslastwords
This week’s #FridayFive topic is The Ways You are Nailing Motherhood – which doesn’t necessarily apply to me, so I thought instead I’d go back a week and write on last week’s prompt.  I still encourage you to go over to Mrs. Disciple and read some of the posts in this week’s link up!
So here’s last week’s #FridayFive:

Five Days I Would Live Again

April 24, 2016

IMG_4065I’ll start with the most recent.  This past Sunday was our Confirmation Sunday.  We confirmed 11 students and baptized one of them as well.  Part of the service was them each sharing their faith.  A few months ago I had given them a paper outlining some questions they could answer and I encouraged them to get creative.  My hope with this many confirmands was that they would each show our congregation a bit of who they are as individuals.  That God’s creativity in creation would shine through them.   And it sure did.  They each prepared their testimonies in their own way: we had videos, songs, slide shows of photography, drawings, some comedic relief.  They did an amazing job and I wish I could relive that service, that day of celebration again and really take it all in.  I’m so proud of each of them!

November 25, 2015

IMG_3123This one day could actually be a number of days – any days that I get to spend with my nieces are days to relive.  But this one was particularly fun.  I had just flown in that morning, these two greeted me at the airport with a hand made sign.  Once we got lunch and back home, I took them to the park – well two parks because they couldn’t decide between the two.  Then we went for ice cream.  I can count on one hand the amount of days I’ve spent with them when they haven’t fought but that day they were like best of friends.  It was a day filled with laughter, sunshine and plenty of “look at me Tia!” Not pictured is going to pick up the baby who came running into my arms the moment she saw me.

April, 2000

I don’t have a picture, or a specific date for this one – but it’s the day I first met my goddaughter.  Her mom had just adopted her and they made their first visit to see us, it was also the weekend she was baptized.  The weekend I first became a godmother.  The day they flew in we were waiting at their gate.  My aunt was carrying  all their bags from the plane so the Goddaughter was walking.  The minute she saw us she shrunk behind her mom.  She wasn’t quite ready for us but it was a busy airport so my aunt told me to pick her up to walk to baggage claim.  She stared at me like I was an alien.  She cried for her mom.  It wasn’t until we were in the car and I offered her a sip of my iced tea did she warm up to me.  The rest of the day she loved me.  It all started with some Arizona Iced Tea.

December 2ish, 2011

DSCN0712 Once upon a time two seminarians decided kind of last minute to fly to NYC for the weekend before finals.  We were burnt out for lots of good reasons that year and we needed a weekend of no homework and no drama.  Our friend who shares my name also came and joined us for one of the days.  I would relive that trip times a thousand and every trip to NYC since then.  Every time I go to NYC I learn something new about the city and about myself.   I love that city and I loved running around it with my favorite Roomsmate.

December 16, 2012

IMG_0762 This day. This was what I would consider the beginning of our real friendship.  I remember it so clearly, I had been having a rough couple days and the Kindergarten Teacher (who has since become the One that Moved to Seattle) called me after church and asked if I wanted to go get lunch.  Then we went to Target and wandered the aisles.  It was the first of many many lunches with her and her husband on Sunday afternoons.  Afternoons spent wandering through stores, going to movies, living life together.  Very few friendships have that starting moment – and this was ours.  Our first selfie and the beginning of a friendship that I miss dearly now that she lives on the West coast.
This was a really fun post to write – there are so many days I’d love to relive.  So many moments that are precious to me, captured through pictures that I keep dear to my heart.  But for now, we’ll stick to these five.

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you didn't have to be perfect – not in my neighborhood

I mentioned in my last post that I’ve been listening to a podcast called Lead Stories with Jo Saxton and Steph Williams.  Each episode they spend time talking about leadership and answering questions that pertain to leadership.  It’s been a great addition to my rotation and sparks a lot of interesting thoughts.
So in my desire to blog more, I’ve decided to try and do a weekly response to their podcasts that I’ll maybe call Tuesdays in Leadership … for lack of a better name.
Last week’s episode was all about defining leadership and then Jo and Steph asked each other about their earliest experiences with leadership.  It was really cool to hear both of them tell their stories about when and how they began realizing they were leaders – that they had influence over others.
A common thread for the two of them was they had people who pointed out their leadership skills from early on.  Whether it was parents or members of their faith community, they had voices telling them that they were leaders.
Looking back at my early years – it was obvious I was a leader.  I grew up on a street full of kids where I was on the older end.  In the grand scheme of being a kid, it’s only natural to look to the oldest (and loudest) kid as the leader of all the kids.  And I took that role willingly.  I got us all into varying amounts of trouble by pushing the boundaries our parents had set for us.
In those early years, I can see my parents trying to redirect my leadership skills – but as a rambunctious kid it felt more like they were squashing me.  I saw being a leader as a bad thing because I often got punished for it.  In my childhood mind I couldn’t see that they were trying to teach me to use my influence well.  That my punishment was more about my behavior than about my ability to get the support of the neighborhood behind me.
I didn’t really start getting it until I was in middle school.  I had just started dancing and doing theater when the owner of our Performing Arts Center started putting me in charge of little things.  It started with sweeping up or taking stock in the store and built up to helping run the younger kids’ rehearsals.  She invested in me, teaching me how to teach others.  How to be encouraging, how to be stern but not too strict.
Fast forward a few years and cross the country a bit, after I started attending church regularly, I got another chance to lead.  The children’s pastor at my church asked if I wanted to teach Sunday School.  To this day, it blows my mind that she picked me – this 17 year old from a dysfunctional family who had just found Jesus to teach a bunch of Kindergarteners.  I had a small class and it was all mine.  That year was so formative for me.  It started me on the path of ministry that would eventually lead me to here.  Pastor of Christian Formation, calling out leadership in my own students and trying to find ways for them to shine.
Fun fact – those Kindergarteners that I taught are graduating from high school this year.
The thing I love about this podcast is that they continuously go back to the idea that we are all leaders.  We all have influence over others in some realm.  As parents, as older siblings, as friends, as leaders in the church – in unconventional ways and formal ways.
So I encourage you all to think through your earliest memories of becoming a leader.  Who took a chance on you?  Who encouraged you and showed you how to lead?

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I'm looking for a mind at work

Oh hey friends, remember me?  The reluctant blogger who can’t seem to keep on a writing schedule?  I’m still here.  Glad you’re still here too… hopefully you’re still here too.
It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here.  Mostly because I’m in a season of life that doesn’t allow for a lot of space to write – both physical time and the ability to publish what’s going on around me.  But alas, I’m popping in.
When I’m in seasons like this, where the things I write can’t be published, I like to fill my brain with good things – through my ears.   Which means that this week’s #FridayFive posed by Mrs. Disciple fits right in to where I’ve been setting up camp.

#FridayFive: Five Things I’m Listening To

1. Podcasts

I’ve become a little bit of a podcast junkie.  Is that a thing?  It all started with the Relevant Podcast.  About a year ago I was housesitting and stumbled upon this podcast which I listened to while I walked the dog.  I got hooked by their witty repartee and insightful interviews with people living cool lives.  Now it’s a year later and I’m hooked on podcasts of all kinds.  Most mornings and car rides find me listening to podcasts to fill the silent spaces with meaningful conversation.  It’s almost like I’m tricking my extrovert self into thinking I am constantly surrounded by friends – friends who have cool jobs are and changing the world.  But they also give me a glimpse into worlds that I don’t fully understand.  I try to broaden my horizons through podcasts – purposely listening intently to stories other that my own that will make me a better pastor and friend.
Here are some of my favorites: The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey, The Popcast with Knox and Jamie,  The West Wing Weekly.  My friend Nathan just started one called The Why Behind the What that is really good. I also dabble in the Liturgists, and I’m just starting on Lead Stories Podcast.

2. Musicals

I’m on a musical kick right now – I’m not sure what it is about Broadway, but it calls to me.  This recent kick started off with Sara Bareilles’ new musical called Waitress.  She release an album of songs she had wrote for Waitress and they are magical.  Sara has always had the amazing ability to speak to me through her music (actually, let’s be honest – it’s God working through her).  This album is no different.  My favorite songs include: She Used to be Mine, You Matter to Me, and When He Sees Me.  She has been able to capture what it feels like to be single in today’s world.  It’s really magic in song – so very good.
This led me to discover the Hamilton soundtrack.  Also, very good.  Well-written music, innovative, great lyrics and some hip hop influence.  If you haven’t given it a listen, please do so.  And of course there’s all my old standards – Rent, Newsies, Wicked and Legally Blonde.
A subcategory of this one could be “Music that Makes Me Feel”.  It’s a category that I’ve discovered, music that have lyrics that make me think, make me feel, make me challenge myself.  I’m all for a good pop song but if you listen to those lyrics, like really listen, they aren’t provoking much deep thoughts or feelings.

3. Laughter and kind words

There’s this group that I hand out with on Thursday nights.  It’s a group of my youth group parents.  They hang out for one hour every Thursday nights while their daughters are in dance class.  Last year they invited me to join them and I’ve been going ever week since. We all say it’s the best hour of our week, an hour where we just sit around a table and hear life updates, tell stories and enjoy each other’s company.  I treasure this group for two reasons – their legacy of friendship and their willingness to let me in.  This group of parents have been friends for over ten years – when their daughters all met in preschool.  They have this friendship that runs deep and they love each other so tangibly.  It’s beautiful.  If I am ever fortunate enough to have kids, I hope that I find friends like this to walk through their childhood with me.  Secondly, they have let me in so lovingly.  I have learned so much from them in the last year.  About marriage, about raising kids, about friendship – because they have invited me in.
That’s just one group that I spend weekly time with, I’ve really noticed how many people I’m surrounded by constantly that make me laugh and say kind things to me or to others.  I am trying to focus on those moments rather than the ones that cause pain or confusion.

4. The meaning behind the words

Along the same lines, I’ve been trying to see past the surface level of conversations.  It might be a trick of the trade but I have the tendency to be able to pick up on the sentiments behind the words being said.  In a world full of technology, this is getting harder and harder.  We used to say that e-mail was a hard mode of communication because you couldn’t read the emotion behind the words.  Now I’m beginning to think that we no long expect emotions to be behind words.  We’ve lost the ability to read between the lines and really see each other.  Context is subjective, but are we losing the ability to parse conversations?  We take everything at face value.  I’m not sure that it’s necessarily a bad thing, but I’m seeing more and more that when I take something at face value, I’m taking it at my face value – what I would mean if I said that sentence.  This means I’m not taking the other’s story into account, I’m assuming everyone thinks and acts like me.
So recently I’m trying to see things through the eyes of others – including my own words.  When I say this – what are they hearing? What am I actually meaning?  This could be the topic of a whole other post (and it just might be) but it’s been an eye opening experience.

5. Myself

My last audible would be my own thoughts.  I’ve been in my head a lot lately and it’s caused me to discover a lot about myself that I didn’t really see before.  I’m sure eventually that will lead to some more posts but I’m starting to see myself more clearly than I had before.  I’ve always had a fairly high level of self awareness, but it seems to be higher these days.  I’m connecting pieces of my story that have created tendencies in myself.  Good, bad and just plain interesting.

What are you listening to?  What’s taking up space between your ears lately?
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You will always be more than enough for me

This last week has been one of those weeks.  One of those weeks where you cling on to the promise of faith because not much else seems to stay still long enough to grab on.  We lost a dear member of our congregation this week.  This woman was such an example of what the body of Christ should act like – she was a constant encourager.  But in a way that you knew she really meant it.  It didn’t seem like a platitude.  It was a genuine pointing out of your gifts and acknowledging God’s work in your life.
She came to our church shortly after I did.  She came with her daughter and son-in-law, always sitting towards the back on the left from where I stood up front.  Her smile was contagious and her hugs in the receiving line were always a highlight of my week.  She always greeted me with a smile and a “Hello my friend.”  She asked me questions about my life – not to pry but to let me know that she cared for me, the way she cared for her own grandchildren.  She always encouraged me to share from my heart – to be honest with who I was because she loved it when I was real.
In my last post I shared that I have a hard time really speaking my truth from my story.  So today’s #FridayFive is about names of God – I’m going to share the Names of God that I have discovered from the margins.
So today’s #FridayFive is in her honor.  I miss you already my dear friend.
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#FridayFive: Five Names of God from a Self Appointed Outsider

Heavenly Father
When I first started Seminary I took a class called Spirituality and Conflict.  The first day of class one of the teachers did a devotion asking us each what our go to name for God was, I picked Father.  At the end of class, this teacher gave us each an image for our name for God with a note in it from what we had shared over the course of the class.  It was amazing.
I often get asked about if it’s hard to see God as father considering my past.  The question comes from a good place – I found God during the most difficult time in my family.  Most of my pastors and youth workers had never met my dad.  Most of my mentors have only heard the hard parts of the story.  But we had good years before the bad years.  I knew what it was like to have a dad which made the sting of his withdrawal heavier.  I grew up knowing what it was like to have someone teach you how to camp and hit a ball.  A man who I knew loved me deeper than I could comprehend.  Then in my teenage years it went away – the years when I needed someone to fight for my worth, to teach me what relationships were supposed to look like, to show me how I deserved to be treated.  But God picked up where my dad left off.  Through mentors, surrogate father figures and his soft whisper, God showed me the love that my earthly father could not.  I still mourn the years that alcoholism robbed me of with my earthly father, but I praise a God who sought after me in that time.  That still seeks after me, as a father does for his daughter.
Redeemer
I heard a sermon recently that rocked my world.  It was on the story of Joseph and she taught about the different stages of Joseph’s life and how it led to something great because of God’s work in Joseph’s life.  God did some great things through Joseph, he refined Joseph’s gifts and blessed many people through Joseph.  At the end of Joseph’s life, his brothers are lamenting selling him into slavery – the evil that they did to him – and Joseph says: Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.
I’ve read that verse so many times and it usually gets cut off after “good” – but the rest of it is so important.  It would have been enough for God to have just redeemed Joseph’s story – to end the story at Joseph not being killed or treated harshly in slavery.  But God took Joseph’s story and redeemed it so that people could have life.  Not only does God redeem our brokenness – he does it so that we may bring about life in a world of brokenness.  I love that God redeems – that he takes broken stories like mine and redeems them, gives them life again so that they may be used for his glory.
Unifier
I attended a seminary that publicly endorses multiculturalism and women in ministry.  Because it’s the seminary of our denomination that says these are values we hold dear.  But my time in seminary was extremely difficult, partially because God was working in me and partially because I am a female and I am biracial.  In one of our degree seeking meetings with a professor, I was asked, “What is it like to attend this seminary and not be Swedish?”  He was asking because he really wanted to know, he was one of our professors who was constantly challenging us to hear the stories of others.  He wanted to hear my experience and challenged me to share it freely with my classmates.  There were many difficult moments in those three years – moments where I felt silenced, discriminated against, marginalized but there were also moments where I felt empowered, valued and cared for by my brothers and sisters.
There was a moment I clearly remember.  A fellow classmate came to me with something that was being said about me.  He sat across the table at Starbucks from me and told me that he had gone to bat for me.  That he had defended me against what was being said about me because he knew me.  That he told the other person that wasn’t who I was, to give me a chance and hear my story.  The moment stands so clearly because my classmate and I had walked alongside each other.  We knew each other’s stories, we had taken time to talk through difficult truths.  God was sowing unity between us.  God used this person to help me find unity in a community that was anything but unified.
Reconciler
I fully believe that God works as reconciler.  That we cannot reconcile conflict without him.  I hate conflict.  I hate disappointing people.  It makes me physically uncomfortable.  But I am human and I make bad choices sometimes.  And when I am hurt, and I have hurt others – I am not fully capable of doing the work of reconciliation.  I mean I can say I’m sorry – but I cannot find reconciliation without my God.  I’ve tried.  Something always slips in and stops me from full reconciliation.  But with God, I have the strength to fully forgive and forget.  To sow back together relationships that were broken and ready to be abandoned.
Almighty One
I am always in awe of what God can do.  Through all of these other names I’ve written about – he has done a mighty work in my life.  This year my focus is on recognizing his hand at work in my present life.  He is the Almighty.  He is alive.  I believe these things, but it’s hard to see his hand at work in the present.  I can look back and see his fingerprints on every step of the way, but to really be in tune with him and see his hand in the present has been hard.  To see him in the midst of my crappy weeks, the times when everything seems to be chaos.  I cling to faith but am I truly able to see his hand at work?  I’m trying, I know He’s Almighty – I know he will do a great work.  I know He is Alive.  I trust that he will work all these things for his good.

What are your names for God?

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we all wanna know how it ends

I’ve always felt a little like an outsider.
I grew up in a small town on the east coast where I was the only kid in my class with two working parents.  I was also the only kid in my class from a biracial family.
Then we moved back to CO to be near family, but we had been gone for most of my life so even with family I was the outsider.
After I became a Christian, I was different than my friends.  I lived at home through college straddling life at home and life in college while everyone else ate dorm food and had late night study sessions.
I started working at churches where I was always one of the only women on staff and the only person not raised in a Christian home.  References would be made to things “we all grew up with” and I would stare back blankly or fake nod like I understood.
I attended our denomination’s seminary and came face to face with the reality that while my denomination values multiculturalism and women in ministry both are still a minority in a white male dominated profession.
I’ve never really felt like I fit.  When I was younger, it was an insecurity.  I saw myself as so different from my peers that I would just mold myself to fit in with them.  I played up my white side in order to fit with the other girls at the lunch table.  I wouldn’t talk about how my nanny helped me with my homework because my parents were working.  I would force myself to try and fit in with my cousins, even though all the stories were of times and places I wasn’t a part of.  I taught myself to be quiet because even though my opinion was different, theirs were louder.
But as I’ve grown up, I realize that my outsider nature is actually an asset.  Everyone strives to fit in, everyone struggles with being just like everyone else.  But I was given a story for a specific purpose – and I’m working on finding mine.
I was listening to a podcast this morning with author Sally Lloyd Jones.  She said that someone once told her that all writers need two things to be good – to have been transplanted from one place to another in their childhood and to have a deep wound in their childhood.  I’m not sure how true that is, although neither was Sally – but it got me thinking…
All these experiences have convinced me that my voice isn’t good enough.  I’ve been on the outside for so long, I’ve felt wounded by the exclusion of not fitting into the box that everyone else fit into.  And while there is portion of that burden on their shoulders, there is also a portion of it on my shoulders.
I’ve allowed it to happen.  I’ve faded into the background instead of working through the pain.  I’ve said that it’s easier not to rock the boat than to speak my truth.  I’ve allowed it to happen because it’s too hard, in my eyes, to try and speak up.
But Sally’s words spoke to something deep inside of me.  That my story needed to get out.  That my voice matters and that while others have told me that repeatedly, I need to give myself permission to speak.
God’s been moving, stirring in my heart for a few months now.  He’s working me up into a tizzy that can no longer be silent.  Now it’s up to me – to have the courage to share, courage to speak up, courage to use my experiences to help others see what life looks like on the outside.  To pour into others on the outside and give them the mic to speak.
We all have stories that need to be heard.  We all need to self-edit to keep the message relevant, but maybe it’s time for me to self edit just a little less.

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I know I love you

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.  It’s the combination of retreat season and our denomination’s pastors’ conference a couple weeks ago.  Add in a couple of new things going on in my “normal (non ministry)” world and you get the insane pace I’ve been running lately.  My apartment has been in a constant state of chaos – laundry half done, books scattered and shoes/purses everywhere.  Where did I get all these bags and shoes?!
All that to say, I’ve popping back in for a little #FridayFive and an update.  I’ve been keeping up fairly well with all my 2016 healthy habits – except keeping my apartment clean and blogging.  But I have been writing more – they just aren’t quite ready for mass consumption yet – they’re coming soon, I hope.
But today’s #FridayFive topic got me intrigued, especially with Valentine’s day this weekend.  I’ve been so thankful recently for all my wonderful friends who do life beside me (even from afar).  So today’s topic is giving me a chance to talk about how to love well! So here we go!

#FridayFive: Five Ways to Show Your Love

From your Love Language
The other day one of my friends said to me, “My love language is quality time, so you must know I love you because spend a lot of time together.” We all have ways that are easiest for us to express love.  My love languages are touch and quality time.  When I’m expressing love for my friends it’s by spending time with them, just us, talking about life or doing something together.  I’m also a hugger – which makes some people uncomfortable so I lean more on the time one with some people.  The easiest way to show your love is to know what your predispositions are and then love well out of them.
Learning their Love Language
I have an older brother and like most brother-sister relationships we sometimes have a communication issue.  There was a season of life where I felt like I really needed him to be there for me and he always seemed really distant.  The ways I needed him to love me weren’t happening and it was really frustrating.  I was getting ready to move across the country and he took my car to get serviced, washed it inside and out and then packed all my belongings inside of it.  That’s when it hit me – his love language is service.  It was never on my radar because how often do brothers and sisters actually serve each other.  I looked at him through a new lens that day – recounting all the ways he’s always taken care of me, subtly.  It changed our relationship completely.  I was able to appreciate him more which made me love him better.
Brag on your friends
There’s this hashtag going around lately: #FangirlYourFriends, I’m not sure if we started it but my For the Love sisters have been doing it really well.  They are bragging on each other and their endeavors all over the internet.  We all know it feels good to be recognized for the things we are doing, to be encouraged in those moments that we feel like all our work is fruitless.  I think we need to take to the internet and brag on our friends more.  Fangirl away, or Fanguy (is that a thing?) away!  Whether publicly or privately – if you see your loved ones doing their life well, tell them and tell the world.  What if the internet was just all of us bragging on each other instead of pulling people down?  I’d read that Facebook feed!
Be Kind
Kindness is contagious.  It’s the best and easiest way (in my humble opinion) to show Christ’s love in our world.  I often say you should be kind simply because you don’t know what the person standing in front of you has gone through that day.  Following the rule of being kind helps you to not accidentally stomp on someone’s heart.
Then I heard a quote today on a podcast that really hit me.  The podcaster said, “If you’re not kind on the internet, you’re not a kind person.”  It really struck me.  The internet is the place where we get to say what we “really mean” so if that’s the case, this quote is true.  The internet gives us the freed to share with little accountability.  Think about that as we go into this political season.  I’m not saying don’t call out truth, I’m saying to do it with love and kindness.
Don’t be afraid to love
I know I’m typing this one for my own benefit more than anything.  Don’t let past hurts keep you from showing love to others.  I’m a very guarded person.  I’ve been hurt a lot by close people, so I only let certain people in.  But it means that I am sometimes fearful to share how I really feel.  I shut down instead of express myself.  I’m working on getting better at it, but it’s a process.  When we hold back our expressions of love, it’s holding back the chance for deeper relationships with others.  That whole “love your neighbor” commandment Jesus gave us – we’re not doing it well when we allow the pain of the past to hinder our expressions of love.  We aren’t being Christ when we’re too worried about the pain it will cause ourselves.  This one takes work, painful work of digging into your past pains and risk of loving people who may not be able to return it.  But I think it’s worth it.  I’ll let you know when I find out.

This weekend is our High School Winter Retreat – so I will be spending Valentine’s at one of my favorite camps with my some of my favorite HS kids.  Plus some of my closest friends will also be there, so I’m looking forward to showing love this weekend!

How are you showing love this weekend?

As always, I’m linking up with my FTL sister Kelly for #FridayFive.  Click over to her post on Five Ways to Show a Stranger the Love of God!

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Breath of life I breathe you in

IMG_3544Today was one of those days when the schedule you start off with in the morning doesn’t end up being the one you stick to.  Each morning I tend to think through my day and plan it out a bit.  But today, my plan went out the window.  By the time I got home after youth group tonight, I hadn’t done my reading yet.  So I climbed into my bed with my bible and journal and I opened it up to Genesis.
A few weeks ago I wrote about finding rhythm in my crazy messy life.  I’ve made some good changes and have surprisingly stuck to them thus far, two and a half weeks in.  One of those things was to follow a reading plan and read through the bible in a year.  I picked a plan that has 5 readings per week, which I thought was good enough since I have never really done something like this before.
And so far, I’ve made it.  I’m going into week three feeling good.  I’m figuring out this whole Bible journaling thing, making it work for me.  And I’m learning a lot, diving into God’s Word.
But the biggest thing to come out of this time has been my One Word for the year.  Our church (like many churches) has been doing One Word for a few years now.  It’s been a really good process for the last few years.  I have/God has picked some good words over the last few years that have really helped me grow as a person and in my relationship with Him.  My words have included: Stand Out, Bold, Gracious and some others that to be honest – I cannot remember.
This year I really wanted a good word.  One rich with meaning, one that was going to push me (but not too hard) and one that was really truly from God.  So of course, in my listening, I started telling God a few options.  Maybe heartbeat or just heart, or love, or … or…  what about …. Then one day it just happened.  I was reading Genesis, my second or third day on the reading plan and the word almost jumped out at me.
ALIVE
In the context of the story I was reading, it wasn’t a profound word.  But it popped out, as if I had some sort of mental highlighter that was causing it to become neon yellow.
ALIVE
So when I finished the reading of the day, I pulled out my journal and started reading.  I did a quick word search to find where else it popped up in the Bible and found this verse in Hebrews:

For the Word of God is alive and powerful

And then a section from Ephesians 2:

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness towards us in Christ Jesus.

And I started journaling, almost like a note from God to me, calling to me, challenging me to believe that He is ALIVE.
I mean I know He is ALIVE.  I know that he is at work in the world all around me, but sometimes I don’t live that way.  Sometimes I don’t place that trust in him.  I’m too afraid that I’m going to miss out that I start to hedge my bets with my own money.  But the reality is that we can’t miss out on what God’s doing if we are really looking for it, if we are conscious of the Spirit’s movement in our lives.
So my word for the year is ALIVE.  I’m accepting the challenge of living in the truth that God is ALIVE rather than living in the fear and stress that I have to make it happen on my own.  In my life, in my ministry, in my relationships – He is ALIVE and gives me life.  He makes me ALIVE in him.
I’ve always been pretty good at seeings his work in retrospect.  I mean hindsight is 20/20 right?  I’ve never been very good at slowing myself down enough to hear his voice in the midst of everything.  To feel his prompting and see his hand at work while it’s still working.
Since that first week though, he’s been revealing new things to me each day.  It’s almost as if he’s saying, “I’ve been here all along, just waiting for you to look my way and see my hand at work.”  And I’m just now noticing all the ways he surrounds me each day.  I give it up to him and he shows up … each time.  In ways I never would have expected.  But he does.  And I am beyond grateful.
I can’t wait to see what else he has for us this year.
 

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When we were young we were little but we didn't know it

This week’s #FridayFive is coming in under the wire … I say that because as I type this, I am packed up and ready to leave on a winter retreat with my Jr Highers.  A weekend at our denomination’s camp, with other jr highers from our conference, for an intentional few days of worship and fellowship.
Kelly, over at Mrs. Disciple posed this week’s #FridayFive : Five Adjectives about You.  So here we go, I’m cheating a little bit because since my mind is in retreat/youth ministry role, I’m going to share Five adjectives others have used to describe me, and Five Adjectives that I use to describe myself.  The way that others see us has the ability to change the way we see ourselves, sometimes we have to fight against that in order to see who God has created us to be.

#FridayFive: 5 Adjectives about Me

5 that others have used to describe me:
Easy Going
I heard someone once say that the best thing about me was that I was easy going.  I’m going to take this as a compliment, even if the circumstances that surrounded it weren’t really a compliment.  I do have a “go with the flow” type of personality, which I think is what he as getting at when he said it.  I picked up this habit a long time ago and for the  most part, I like that about myself.
Intimidating
Another thing I’ve heard said about me (rather than to me) is that I’m Intimidating.  Sometimes it’s in the realm of relationships with guys – I’m too intimidating for them.  Other times it’s with friends.  I’ve been described as brooding, when I was younger.  I have this tendency to be up in my head – over analyzing everything – this sometimes comes off as stand offish to those who don’t know me.
Caregiving
I’m not sure if this is actually an adjective.  Every personality test I’ve taken has told me that I’m someone who enjoys taking care of others.  It’s partially what led me to being a pastor.  Partially why I love being an aunt and a godmother.
Loud
I have always been loud.  I’ve quieted down over the last few years, but my “quiet” is an average person’s loud, so I guess that still makes me loud.  I’ve been shushed a lot in my lifetime, especially in public.  I’m also told my laugh is really loud and distinctive.  I’m still on the fence as to whether this is good or bad.
Stubborn/The Princess
This one comes from my family.  I’m the only girl in my little family of origin and the youngest.  That’s where the “princess” nickname came from – my brother was always lamenting that I was never in trouble while he always was.  We have this hilarious story about the time that I accidentally backed up through the closed garage door and he got yelled at.  He would say that my stubbornness got me preferential treatment, I would say it was because I was the cute one. #YoungestSiblingsUnite
5 Adjectives that I would use to describe myself
Self-Aware
One positive aspect of always being up in my head is that I self critique a lot.  I tend to over analyze all sorts of situations, but it also has helped me to understand myself better.  Understand why I act certain ways and what needs to be changed about my behavior.  I come to these realizations about my life and I try to make the change that makes it better.  I love this about myself.  I love the new found self-confidence that God has given me in my older age.
Compassionate
I’ve seen a lot of life.  A lot of things have been challenging over the years.  But this has made me deeply compassionate.  Deeply loving towards others.  I have a lot of empathy for the pain of others.  I try really hard to see things from others’ perspectives because I think it makes me a better person, a better pastor. 

Stubborn
I know this one’s true.  I don’t think I’m a princess though – but I do know I’m stubborn.  Most of the time I think it’s a good thing – it helps me to stand my ground, to stand up for what I believe in.  It means I don’t let others walk all over me or over others.  I’m a justice seeker. …But I also realize this makes me a little difficult to deal with.
Loving
I think this is different than compassionate.  I have a high capacity for love.  I love easily and I love hard.  It helps me in friendships – they seem to sprout out of the ground.  But a high capacity for love means a high capacity for pain.  It means that when I get hurt, I get hurt hard, and it makes me retreat into myself a little more.  But I work on it, I lean into God’s love to help me love others better.
Protective
I am deeply deeply protective.  Of others, and of myself.  Sometimes to a fault.  I protect those I love by being loyal and caring for them and by standing up for them.  I protect myself by setting boundaries in my life.
What are 5 adjectives that others have used to describe you?  What does God say?  What do you say?

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C'mon get rhythm

While I was in Denver for Christmas I had dinner with one of my closest and oldest friends.  We’ve known each other since college which means she’s been by my side through a lot of life.
We really cemented our friendship back then because we were both living at home during college and commuting to school via bus.  She’d get on the bus down by her house then a few stops later I’d get on.  She’d save me a seat and I would entertain her with my naive and immature antics.  She was the kind of person who got up early, ate a well balanced breakfast, stopped for coffee and calmly boarded the bus and chose a seat in the front.  I was the kind of person who barely woke up on time, rushed to get ready and clamored on the bus with a diet coke and pop tarts in my hand, collapsing in the seat next to her.
I wish I was kidding.
While we were catching up, we were talking about our routines.  She’s a really structured person, still – and I’m still mostly a hot mess.  I mean I’ve grown a lot, I no longer drink diet coke at 7:00 a.m. But I still have a hard time with this mysterious thing people call rhythm.
I’ve long surpassed the time when a rhythmless life is acceptable, but I blame it on two things – being single/childless and my job.  I don’t have a normal 9-5 and there are no kids around to dictate my schedule.  Therefore, I make up my own and as I’ve learned about myself – I have fairly little discipline in my personal life.  I mean the big things I can handle but going to bed at a reasonable time?  Not sleeping in too late? Not watching too much TV?  There’s not much hope for me there.  (That’s a little bit of a joke.)
The problem is my weekly schedule has no real structure.  Sure there’s a meeting or two that happens every week but for the most part, it changes week to week.  At least 1-2 nights a week are late nights at church but it’s never the same two nights.  I have the freedom to work from home or a coffee shop – which is great, but sometimes too much freedom makes it difficult.  Scheduling regular times to work out, cook, clean, do laundry etc has become a challenge.  I think, I have plenty of time to do that later in the week and then it never happens.
But alas – we are in a new year and it’s time to make some resolutions right?  No – I’m still not a resolution person.  But people all around me are starting new things, so let’s see if I can!
I’ve tried a lot of different techniques over the years that work for a couple weeks and then don’t anymore.  I’m still not sure how I’m going to do it, but that’s part of the adventure right?
Here’s my list of things I hope to get back into my life on the regular:
Taking care of myself physically
This encompasses a lot of different things.. vitamins, work outs, sleep and cooking myself real meals.  These are all things I struggle with but know I need.  I need to eat better and spend less money on going out.  I need sleep (duh!).  I need to work out, more for my sanity than for anything else (and there’s a gym in my complex!) And I need to get back into taking my vitamins – especially vitamin D.  Moving from Colorado to Illinois was hard if only because of the lack of sunshine here.  If you struggle during the winter months – vitamin D really does make a difference!
Less TV, more other things.
Living alone means that sometimes I use TV as background noise.  I find myself struggling to find something to watch and then not actually watching it.  So one thing I’m going to try for a season is not turn the TV on before 6:00 p.m. with the only exception on ONE of my days off.  Let’s see if replacing TV with music helps me to not go crazy in my quiet apartment.  (And don’t tell me to enjoy the silence – I don’t and I just can’t do it.)
The other piece of this puzzle is to listen to more podcasts, more regularly.  I have gotten into the habit of listening to some while I get ready and while I drive and it really changes out I interact with the world.  I’m currently listening to the Relevant Podcast, Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey, Serial and to keep me laughing – Heather Dubrow’s World.
Uping my Spiritual Life game
One thing I’ve been really lacking in my life is intentional time in God’s word.  (What?!  But your a pastor! How can that be?)  I’ve fallen into that trap that a lot of pastors do – I only read the bible when I need to for work.  Sure, I read other books and devotionals that reference the bible, but actual time with the bible – it’s very limited.  So this year I’m joining a challenge set by one of the women I follow on Instagram – to read the whole bible chronologically in 2016.  I got a new journaling Bible for Christmas so I’m pretty excited.
More writing
And of course – like I say every time I post – I’m going to write more.  Hopefully I will be chronically how I do with getting these things into my life.  Plus I will keep up with the #FridayFives.
Here’s to trying to find rhythm to my hodge podge lifestyle in 2016.  What are you trying new in 2016?
 

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have yourself a merry little Christmas

December?!  Where did you come from?  No, seriously, where did November go?
It’s time for a new #FridayFive, the first of December!  This week’s prompt from the ever-lovely Mrs. Disciple is Five Christmas Traditions.
Traditions are a funny thing – by definition they are meant to remain year after year.  They are things that we do during this season every year, but the thing about holiday traditions is that they change as we change.  As our families grow up, move around and change, our traditions have to change.  There aren’t many traditions left in my life that linger from the days of my childhood.  From the days we were just the four of us: Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister.  (Well five, my Aunt has spent every Christmas with us that I can remember.)
Our traditions changed when we moved back to Colorado in HS.  They changed again when my parents separated at the beginning of college.  Once more when they got divorced at the end of college.  Again the second time I moved away. Again when my brother got married and filled our house with the second round of children.  Again after my dad passed away.  Once more when I moved away the final time and again when I was called as a Pastor.
So my #FridayFive Christmas Traditions are all my own now, separate from my nuclear family, although a lot of them include those 8 people I love the most.  Without further ado here they are:

#FridayFive: Five Christmas Traditions

Advent Devotionals
Every year I scour the internet for some good Advent Devos to pass along to the families of my church.  A new and interesting take on celebrating this season of Advent within your family.  But also while doing it, I look for my own devotionals for this season.  Something to help me remember to pause during this season and take time for my relationship with God.
IMG_0312Christmas Morning at the airport
Now that I’m a full-time pastor and not just an intern, my presence at the Christmas Eve service is a non-negotiable.  Which means the days of being awoken by my nieces on Christmas Morning are long gone.  However, that does not mean I am sleeping in!  I usually book the earliest flight I can on Christmas morning which means I can land in Denver by 9 a.m. and am greeted by my littles at the airport in their Christmas jammies.  They have created their own little tradition, they can wake up early and open their stockings, and then they pile in the car to pick me up.
Present Time
This tradition has changed the least over time, sure it’s morphed as we’ve gotten bigger, but it’s still basically the same.  Once all the Santa presents are out of the way for the littles, we begin opening presents from each other.  We always go from youngest to oldest but in groups.  All the littles together, Goddaughter and me, my brother and sister-in-law, and then the moms.  Everyone has strict instructions on the order in which the presents are opened.  And the last one opened is always the “best” present.  I strive to be that “best” present giver every year – whether the goal is to make my mom or aunt cry or my nieces squeal with delight.  Or that year the Goddaughter finally got a cell phone and it was ringing under the tree.  We all want to be the one who gave the most meaningful present.  I know this seems really materialistic – and it probably is – but it’s also just a really cool moment when we see everyone’s creativity coming out in their gift giving.  Sometimes the girls are more excited about the presents they are giving than the ones they are unwrapping.
Elf
It is not Christmas season until I have watched Elf.  I usually watch it while I wrap presents, last year I watched it with my kids at church, this year I may just pull it out and watch it all by myself, maybe this weekend.
Christmas Eve
I know I just talked about how I no longer get to spend Christmas Eve with my nuclear family, but I really really treasure my Christmas Eve here at home, with my church family.  I love our Christmas Eve service.  I love that I have friends who invite me into their Christmas Eve celebrations whole heartedly.  I love the treasured time I have here with these people who make my life so full and my heart so happy.  The moments during and after Christmas Eve service are some of the warmest of the season. I get the best of both worlds between Christmas Eve and Christmas morning.
So there you have it, Five of my Christmas Traditions.  As I continue to build my life here as a real adult, I look forward to new traditions coming my way.  We may have lost a lot of traditions over the years to change and growth but we’ve also picked up some new ones.  And it’s not the traditions that matter, it’s the people you do them with that matter.