I had a dream last night where I was preaching at a church about Lent. It was a really vivid dream which is why it caught my attention – my dreams aren’t usually that vivid. The sanctuary I was in was one I’ve never seen before and it was weird. On the level where I stood there weren’t really that many seats. But there was a balcony that came out pretty far that was packed full with people. After I finished preaching we went into a coffee hour and even that was clear.
I don’t know what this dream means – probably nothing, but Lent is coming up. It’s been a while since I’ve addressed Lent here, so maybe that’s all the dream mean, let’s talk about Lent.
Some background on my faith journey and Lent – in my house growing up we were always encouraged to give something up for Lent. I honestly have no idea why. We didn’t go to church regularly, I didn’t know what Lent really was other than that it meant on Fridays I wasn’t allowed to eat meat. Coincidentally the worst food poisoning I’ve ever experienced happened because of some bad fish I ate on a Friday because of Lent.
It was never explained to me what we were doing, I just knew my mom would “suggest” something for me to give up. Usually it was chocolate or soda. And then on Easter Sunday after we did our Easter Egg hunt I was allowed to consume all the chocolate or soda or whatever that I wanted.
As I grew up and started to walk with God on my own, I rebelled against Lent because of my childhood of not understanding it. When one of our youth interns talked about giving things up for Lent I would always roll my eyes because in my mind giving something up for 40 days meant nothing. So I gave up chocolate, I could still have a variety of other candy that was just as good. In my teenage youth I saw friends give up things for 40 days as a hope to be “healthier” which in teenage talk 9 times out of 10 means skinnier. Lent seemed so manipulative to me. It still had no real meaning.
Until I moved to Kansas City to start an internship. Within my first month there the senior pastor challenged the congregation to a season of fasting and praying for our church and its impact on the community. He challenged us to pick a level of fasting that would be sacrificial to us and spend the 40 days in prayer and fasting – seeking direction.
The youth staff decided to do the Daniel Fast. If you’ve never heard of it – look it up. It’s intense. Although maybe not if you have ever done Whole30 or Paleo or anything like that. But to me, it was torture. It was unbelievable hard, every bit of food or drink that went in my mouth had to be scrutinized. It changed the way our staff interacted with each other. The lack of coffee to this caffeine addicted lady was rough.
But throughout the time of Lent we were encouraged to remember why we were doing it, in solidarity with Jesus and his 40 days in the wilderness. To remember that there are times when we need to press in, to sacrifice our comfort in order to hear from God.
That season of Lent was the hardest I’ve ever endured. But it was also incredibly fruitful. I dealt with a lot of things in those 40 days and heard from God in some really tangible ways.
Since then, I’ve viewed Lent differently. I haven’t always done as significant of a Fast but I’ve always tried to challenge myself to take something up that challenge me in my faith.
All this to say, I’m not judging you if you are giving up chocolate for Lent. Instead I’m challenging you to know why you are giving it up. In what tangible way is giving it up going to pull you closer to God. Lent is not about denying yourself for the sake of denying yourself. Or to see how strong your will power is – it’s about pushing into your relationship with the Creator of the Universe and being able to hear his voice clearer, freer from the distractions of this world than you are in other seasons.
So – What are we doing for let this year? Share here in the comments and lets encourage one another!
I've learned to slam on the breaks before I even turn the key
I’ve never really had any phobias. As a child I prided myself in not being scared of things. I was in no way a daredevil, but I also wasn’t afraid of snakes, spiders, heights or other things the kids my age were afraid of. Turns out I was also not that afraid of getting in trouble either.
For most of my childhood, we lived in a neighborhood that was a big circle and at the base of the two streets was a cul-de-sac. Along the edge of that cul-de-sac was a line of pine trees that was our boundary. We could play anywhere in the neighborhood as long as we stayed on this side of those trees. Because just beyond those trees was the highway – Route 17. But, along Route 17 was a gas station and the only thing we needed to do was cut through the trees, walk along a little path and then we had access to ice cream, candy and all the pop we could dream of drinking.
But of course, the gas station was off limits unless we were with an adult – it was past our boundary. But I wasn’t scared. At the ripe old age of 8 or 9, I thought I had it all together. I could lead the crowd of kids to the gas station no problem. The reward was far greater than the risk of getting caught.
I look back now and see how ridiculous I was – in a world where we hear about car accidents, abductions and millions of other things going wrong within moments of them happening, I see now how foolish I was as a spunky little kid.
Of course I did get caught. Of course I did get punished. And the punishment worked – I never went back to the gas station just beyond the trees that became my boundary. For the remainder of my time on Sherwood Dr, I didn’t go past that boundary.
As we grew up, as we moved around the boundaries my parents put on us changed. And the spunky kid in me never really changed, I constantly challenged those boundaries. But because we lived in a small town and everyone new my mom – I got caught… a lot.
Although somewhere along the way, I started to lose my spunk. The courage that had always been inside of me started to slip away. I cared more about what others thought of me. I cared more about whether or not I was making my parents proud. My boundaries became firmer and less negotiable.
In some ways, it was a good thing. I started living in ways that would make my parents proud, never stepping out of the boundaries set for me.
In other ways, it was debilitating. Somewhere around middle school or high school I became hyper aware of what others thought of me. I think some of it was knowing that I was different from my peers in a lot of ways. All I wanted to do was fit in with everyone else. I let other people set the boundaries for my actions.
I began living out of fear. The fear of losing something that I thought I could obtain by staying in the lines. Sometimes it was stability I was craving, or approval, or to simply not be the one always sticking out like a sore thumb. That fear began to rule my life.
It wasn’t until I was in Seminary that I started to see that fear had become the ruler of my life.
I’ve started to realize that I am at my best when surrounded by the people who love me the most/best. I am able to fully be that confident somewhat crazy woman I was created to be. I think we all know that to be true, but I’m realizing that the fear that’s dictating my life has also created my own glass ceiling. It makes me afraid to ask for what I know I’m worth. It makes me afraid to put myself on the line because I’m afraid of what could happen.
I’m learning to manage that fear. I’m learning to do a gut check and see what I’m really feeling at any given moment. Am I afraid because the risk doesn’t seem worth the reward? Or am I afraid because the risk is known but the reward is unknown?
It’s easy to take a leap when we know the reward outweighs the risk. But what if we don’t know what the reward will be? Can we still take the jump? Am I capable of crossing the boundary someone else put up for me when I don’t know what’s on the other side?
time to check in
I’m a bit behind because I was gone for a week at a pastor’s conference followed immediately by a MS retreat. Because of that I’m also behind on my listening to Lead Stories Podcast, so today’s #TuesdaysinLeadership will be looking a little different.
Last week I got to spend a week in Louisville, KY for our denominations annual pastor’s conference. The theme of the week was leadership which was exactly what I needed to hear about. As I’ve been listening to Lead Stories and engaging conversations surrounding leadership, I find myself trying to pour into myself but not quite knowing how to go about that. I didn’t have a game plan per say. I had thoughts and different topics to write about, but nothing to really pour out into my own life.
Then I went to Louisville. I entered a weekend of learning alongside of a group of youth pastors who are a combination of new friends and dear old friends. I found a new tribe among my peers in my area. I invested in some relationships that needed that extra foundation. After the weekend of youth workers connecting, the hotel filled with more pastors from all over the US and Canada. I entered into convos with friends who have known me for over a decade and with those I’ve never met before.
I’m taking away a lot from the week, a lot of things to process in my life. But one of the things I’m taking away the most is the need to be more intentional with those around me – my colleagues.
I need to cut the phrase “We should hang out” and actually plan times to be with people.
I need to read more books on leadership and challenge myself more.
I need to be praying (more) fervently over my ministry areas.
I need to be pouring into others in leadership – mentoring and guiding.
I need to be poured into from others in leadership – mentored and guided.
So I guess this post is more like a declaration of intent – I’ve found the holes in myself when it comes to my leadership and I’m figuring out how to fill them up.
Where do you need to fill up? How does that look in your context?
I can see it clearly now – the fog has lifted
#TuesdaysinLeadership on a Wednesday? That’s crazy, Alicia. Sorry friends – my real life got in the way yesterday. But I’m still posting because last week’s podcast episode was too good not to process over here.
This last episode of Lead Stories Podcast was called Vision in Real Life and in it Jo and Steph discussed ways that we cast vision for our areas of leadership and in our lives. It’s a great episode if you’re wondering how to really hear your vision from God, if you’ve heard it and wanna know how to start, and if you’re needing to remember your vision.
One of the questions that Jo and Steph proposed in helping us find our vision was what do you find yourself drawn to/investing (blogs/books/podcasts)? Like when you’re doing the scroll through Facebook or Instagram, what types of things stop you or what topics do you frequently find yourself reading about?
I’ve always had a bend toward community. I find it fascinating – what makes good community? Why can finding it be so hard? What can we do to cultivate it? What do we do when it’s hard or it hurts?
Over the last several months I’ve found myself deeply drawn to reading through comment sections on political/emotionally charged posts. I know that comment sections are often filled with a lot of nonsense and that the internet is often not a place you go to have your mind changed. But I find myself seeking out places where people are ready to enter into the conversation. It’s so infrequent to see a space where people can come with differing mind sets and really hash it out.
I dream about settings where we can sit around a table, everyone getting the chance to make their case and then trying to find a common ground. No matter the topic – race, sexuality, politics, worship styles, personal conflicts – I wanna sit around a table and talk it out.
One of the reasons I wasn’t able to post yesterday is because I was asked to be a part of a panel of youth pastors. After the panel we were milling around with everyone and I got into a conversation about how to provide resources for navigating the switch to becoming more multiethnic.
It was like a light went on inside of me. Some dark corner that hadn’t seen light in a while was suddenly illuminated. In the church we are looking to become more multiethnic. Leaders who aren’t overly vocal about it off the bat come across like they don’t want it – like they are okay with their mono-ethnic culture. And yes there are leaders that feel that way.
But there are other leaders too – those that want it, understand the need for it but are stuck in the frozen place of not knowing how to walk forward. The times or places where they’ve tried inviting in other voices in have resulted in challenges. They want to work through it but something may be standing in the way.
It was great to have the start of that conversation – because we only had time for the start. But to say – yes, I hear you and I don’t have the resource per say but I wanna hear more. I want to find a way to have this conversation in a safe place and to lay it all out on the table.
Let’s talk about the good, the hard and the how to move forward. Could I offer up some books for you to read, people to follow to hear stories – yes. But isn’t it better for us to discover it together?
What’s been on you heart recently? What topic do you find yourself drawn to and how does that speak to your vision?
Impossible things in Your name shall be done
I preached yesterday through my life verse and the verses surrounding it. It’s a sermon that’s been building in me for the last several years as I’ve lived into the truth found in it. You can hear the full sermon here.
For I am confident of this, that God who began a good work within you will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
-Philippians 1:6
I’ve been carrying around this nesting dolls metaphor since last September when I first heard Shauna Niequist talk about it at Belong. She was talking about how, as we live life, we keep putting identities on top of ourselves. But she pointed out that the first identity – that smallest little nesting doll – is that of child of God.
What she said immediately resonated with me and confused me at the same time. But, Shauna, I wanted to say, I had a lot of identities before I claimed the one that is Child of God.
I wandered a long time (relative to my short life) before I really encountered this Triune God that I gave my life to – so how can that be the center of my identity? In my own mind, I was already firmly established at 16, so when I added Jesus into my life, he was the new layer put on top, not the base.
Then I looked back on my early life and there are these moments that I don’t really understand. I came to the realization that God was there all along – alive and at work in my life. Even before I had a name for him or space in my life for him.
My 2016 word for the year was alive. Last January I wanted to be alert to where God was at work all around me in my day to day life. I wanted to be aware of him. I didn’t realize that much of that task was going to be seeing where he had been alive in my past. Where he had intervened on my behalf long before I knew it.
I’ve reoriented my whole life around this call that God placed on my life. And yet I still was viewing my identity in Christ as something I put on as a teenager. I hadn’t really allowed it to be the core of who I am. It took me the last several months between when I first heard this metaphor until when I preached it to realize what I’d been missing.
In the spring of 2007, I had graduated from college and was heading off to intern at a church half way across the country. One of my mentors at the time gave me a card with Philippians 1:6 written in it. She was encouraging me on my journey, telling me to keep going because God was the one at work. I still have that card and this verse became my life verse.
I see it now in a much broader light. This God, the same God of Israel, the same God who sent His Son, the same God who revealed himself to Paul, the same God through centuries of Christianity. The same God that found me as a broken hearted teenager. He’s the God at work in me, in those around me and in the world.
This past December one of my students texted me asking for my favorite verse. I sent her this verse without really thinking why she needed it. A couple weeks later I found out. I opened my Christmas present from four of my HS girls. In it was an ornament with the words “Carry On” and “Phil 1:6” on it. They told me they were at an art fair and saw these ornaments. So when they heard my verse they looked it up and summarized it as Carry On.
Two simple words that mean so much more than they seem to. When we claim our identity in Christ, we carry on his work in our lives and in our world.
So let’s claim that identity together this year. We are children of God, accepted as forgiven family members.
step out of the sun because you've learned
The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. Starting on Christmas day, I was in Denver for a week soaking in some much needed family time with my crazy crew. Then it was off to New York with the Goddaughter for her first trip to the Big Apple. Then she came back to Chicago with me for another few days of R&R in my abode.
Now here we are, two weeks into 2017 and no new posts over in my corner of the internet. But no worries my dear friends, I have been making some big plans for this space. I’ve been dreaming and processing over what 2017 is going to bring to this blog and I’m excited for the future and the type of posts I’ll be bringing to ya’ll.
But before we move forward into the new year, I always feel the need to spend a little bit processing the last one. This year I found a great resource through Lead Stories Media called “Hello, Goodbye.” So today’s #TuesdaysinLeadership is going to be talking through how this process went for me. (If you go to their page and subscribe to their newsletter you can download this great resource to process your last year and the new year alongside me!)
As I listened to the first episode of this season’s Lead Stories Podcasts I realized how great this tool is. Jo Saxton has been doing it for years and explained the history about it, so go listen to it if you wanna know more about it. But the basic idea is to spend some time with God and ask Him what you should be saying Goodbye to from the last year and what to say Hello to in the coming year.
Goodbye 2016
Overall, 2016 wasn’t bad for me. I never posted this Best Nine thing to my Instagram, and it’s not entirely representative of my year but I guess it’s what people most resonated with in my feed.
But even this slightly misrepresented collage makes me remember that this year was filled with the highs and lows of life. I know a lot of people for who 2016 was a heartbreakingly painful year. Saying Goodbye to 2016 wasn’t a sad thing for them. But for me it was a mixed bag. I had some great moments, some life changing moments, some career defining moments and some great personal highs. But I also had some hard truths that I had to face, some painful decisions that I made or were made for me, I walked alongside of some grieving friends and grieved the loss of those who have made my community home.
Overall though, there are things that I’m saying goodbye to in order to move forward in my path toward Shalom. Among the things I say goodbye to are:
I’m saying goodbye to insecurity. Through my time with God in the last few weeks I’ve realized how much I’ve held myself back because I think that others can do it better than me. But as I continue to process who I am and how I was created I’ve realized that it’s time for me to own this story that I’ve been given and start stewarding it a little better.
I’m saying goodbye to bad habits. Procrastination is a real struggle for a lot of us. I am saying goodbye to being disorganized and not prioritizing my time well.
Hello 2017
As I move forward into this next year, one of the things I would love to do is to write more. To start documenting this life I live both here on Striving for Shalom as well as in a private document that could some day take the shape of a book. Insert shocked emoji face here. I’m serious, I think I want to write a book. It’s taking shape in my head, we’ll see where it takes me. But for now you’ll see some things popping up here that have more of a semblance, a relation to one another.
I’m saying hello to my word of the year : Fall. There’s this verse in Job, that I discovered through Shauna Niequist’s book Present over Perfect:
God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, “Fall on the earth,” and to the rain shower, “Be a mighty downpour.
– Job 37:5-6
Shauna expands on the verse in her book and talks about how God doesn’t ask the snow to do anything other than fall. And to the rain shower to be a mighty downpour. She encourages her readers to find the thing in life that falls out of them, something so enjoyable, so easy that it just pours out of them. This next year I want to focus on the things I’m so passionate about. I want to let go of the idea that I have to be everything to everyone and simply be who I’ve been created to be. The thing about snow is that it does it’s one thing and it doesn’t need to do more because God also created rain and sunshine. Snow just gets to be snow – to fall from the sky simply and beautifully.
Last year I spent a whole year looking for where God was alive in my life. Watching what he was doing and now that I’ve seen how much he is at work in my life and the life of others around me, I feel like now my focus is on filling the space that was created for me. If I believe God is alive and at work, then he is alive in me and has created me to fill a space in this life. I don’t need to fill the space of others, but rather just my own. So my word for the year is Fall. We’ll see what/how that takes shape this year. But I’m excited to say hello to being present in my life and in my ministry as exactly who he created me to be.
So there you have, we’ve said Goodbye to 2016 and we’re ready to say a big Hello to 2017. Let’s see what you have in store for us in this year.
I ask thee to stay close by me forever
I’ve been working through this document put out by the Lead Stories Podcast on wrapping up 2016 and looking forward to 2017. One of the activities it leads you through is to read Psalm 139 and reflect. As I was reading, one particular verse leapt off the page at me, here it is in context:
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
-Psalm 139:1-6 (ESV)
Yesterday morning at church our kids dressed up to help us tell the story of Christmas. We had angels, shepherds and one cutie little cow. As I was helping hand out costumes I was making some last minute alterations to the costumes for our littler angels. Before you get too impressed – this simply meant I was cutting the fabric to make the dresses shorter. Nothing fancy, just a pair of scissors and a rough estimate of how much I wanted to take off.
For some of the pieces it was easy – make a snip and then tear it the length of the fabric. In other cases I had to cut through seams or hems. The former was easy because if you cut in the right direction, the fabric just tears in a straight line. The latter was more difficult because seams and hems are strong. Hems especially are meant to withstand some tension. They are made strong because of the style of stitching and folding.
So when I read this passage, the word HEM jumped at me. I thought about cutting the costumes yesterday. I thought about how hems are meant to protect our garments. Being hemmed in by God is an act of protection.
The whole psalm is about how well God knows us. How even before we were formed he knew the days of our lives set aside for us. This section at the beginning talks about how he knows our rhythms. As I read it I knew that God was saying to me: I know it all. I know the stress of this season, the busyness of your job, the movement and the stillness. Before you even call out to me, I know. I hem you in and I place my hand over you.
He has hemmed me in. He has sown an area of protection around me and inside of that he lays his hand upon me. He reminds me with his touch that he’s here. He’s always here. He is Immanuel – God with us. God with me.
I’ve often felt in the hustle of life that my life is uncharted. There’s no plan in place, everything I know and love can change in an instant. It all feels random how I’ve made it here, to this place. But today as I was reading this beautiful psalm, that I’ve read probably 1000 times, I realized that my life is not uncharted. It’s known. Not by me, but by Him.
And as the psalmist writes – that knowledge is too wonderful for me. Which means two things to me – this knowledge (my life plan) is actually too wonderful and too high for me to attain. I cannot know it all now, I must keep moving forward knowing that He has it mapped out. But also it brings up that joyful feeling when someone you care about shows you they care too. That God would love me that much. That he would know me that well. That is a feeling of joy that I simply cannot hold in.
So in this season of advent, I’m realizing what I’m waiting for. I’m waiting to see how my life will unfold. I’m waiting for whatever big thing is on the horizon – good, bad or indifferent. And for the next week at least I’m going to live into that waiting with the knowledge that it’s not completely unknown.
I’ve been hemmed in by the Creator of the universe. In all circumstances he is there and his hand is upon me. So I echo the line from Away in a Manger that I used as the title for this post –
I ask thee – stay close by me. Forever.
Say You Won't Let Go
It’s time to bring back #TuesdaysinLeadership! If you’re new(ish) to my blog, this series is where I discuss a topic of leadership in response to a podcast that I’m currently digging – the podcast is called Lead Stories. It’s a podcast where two amazing women discuss topics and questions surrounding leadership. This week we’re going to take a look at Season 01: Episode 44: The Leader Behind the Scenes: Who are Your People?
This was exactly the podcast I needed to hear this week. I love this discussion and it prompted me to step out of my comfort zone in one of my relationships.
In their discussion, Jo and Steph both let us in and told us who their people are and how they connect with that group. When you’re a person in leadership, you need people who have your back and who get you. You need relationships with people that care about you and challenge you. It’s something I always acknowledge that I need but have struggled having it. Part of that is due to transitions in life, my people have moved away, I’ve moved away. It’s created continuity issues.
In this conversation, Steph brought up the idea of having a DTR with your people. We use that term in romantic relationships where you sit down and have that awkward conversation about what you both want and need and whether that can happen together. But Steph said challenged their listeners to have that DTR with the people you are hoping to count on, otherwise you may go to lean on them and they won’t be there – like a failed trust fall.
I’ve never thought of that before. To actually have a face to face conversation with someone I’m hoping to have some level of vulnerability and trust with, to invite someone to become one of my people. I love this idea of putting out there what you need and asking what the other person needs and then agreeing to a level of friendship that works for those needs.
So that begged the question – what do I need? I had to do some soul searching and praying to know what exactly I was in need of in my relationships. What am I looking for beyond having fun with them and compatibility. Here’s what I came up with:
Loyalty
I’ve shared about this here before but I have some level of trust issues. I’m working through it but sometimes they still rear their ugly little heads. So loyalty is something I prioritize in my relationships. Here’s how I define this characteristic: loyalty in relations someone who has my back through thick and thin. It’s someone that I can take everything they say and do at face value and not question if I’m getting the ‘real story.’ In a world where gossip sometimes disguises itself as telling a story or processing a situation, I need my closest relationships to be people who will have my back.
Grace and Accountability
I am in no way perfect. I don’t lead perfectly, I am not a perfect friend, I may be a perfectionist but I often fail at that too. So something I look for in friendship is both grace for when I will inevitably screw up and accountability to push me to be better. No one wants to hear that they messed up but I need my friends to tell me when I’m being too stubborn or when I need to take a deeper look at why I do what I do.
Confidentiality
Again with the trust, there are times I need to talk about things that need to stay between me and my people. I’ve been burned in this way before, and it might be because I am so open with my own life. But I need my friends to know that my story is mine to tell.
Respect and Attention
This one sounds weird – but again it comes from having known the opposite. I want to have friends who are willing to truly listen to what’s going on in my life and ask about it. Too often I’ve had friends who ask me about something but then don’t really want to listen. Or immediately tell me about something they experienced rather than listen to my full answer. I’m an external processor and I need my people to be those willing to deep dive with me.
As I listened to Jo and Steph talk about who their people are and how we can identify our people – I realized that before I could even identify my people, I needed to ask myself what I needed. That’s why I made this list. Then, as I made this list, I realized that those who I already called my people already contain these characteristics. It also led to a conversation where I invited someone new in.
Friendships are a tricky thing, especially for those in leadership. But when we are honest with what we need then it may be easier to define who can be our support system. It’s great to have clear expectations for our relationships so that we know if we are asking the right amount and if our people can feel like they can provide for them.
Also, obviously this is a two way street. You need to ask your people what they need from you so you can provide that for them. But it starts with you –
what do you need from your people?
so if it matters, Let It Matter
I woke up this morning and followed my usual routine. I checked my social medias, always ending with Timehop – that app that shows you what you’ve posted this day on years past. Before I even tapped on that little yellow blue square I knew what I would find.
Today’s the 7th anniversary of the day he passed away. I knew that I would scroll through those pictures posted on this day over the last several years. Always a family picture with some caption on how much I miss him. But this morning as I contemplated what to share – what picture, what story, how to convey the ache in my heart that feels a little deeper today.
But I couldn’t quite figure it out. I couldn’t figure out why planning my usual Instagram post wasn’t making me feel better. So instead I got up, got ready, slid my dad’s old watch onto my wrist and went about my day.
But I still felt off. The thing with grief is that it never really plays by the rules. There isn’t a time table or a playbook that you can consult to know what is the right course of action. So you just try to keep going and hope you’ll find the way. Today felt a little like that. If I’m honest, a lot of days feel a little like that. The weirdest things will trigger that pull of loss. And it will knock me off my axis.
Over these past 7 years I’ve found a few ways that help me get back on track when I’m feeling the tug. Instead of completely shutting down, I’ve learned to cope. Here are a few of my methods –
Invite someone into the pain
I think that’s what I’ve always tried to do with my “tribute” posts. Maybe even what I’m trying to do with this blog post. A lot of people around me have experienced loss. God has placed people into my life that have similar grief to my own. Those people have entered into my story with me: asked questions to know more about my dad, given me space to not be 100%, prayed for me, not pressured me into moving too fast. Grief looks different for everyone, those that have entered into my grief with me and allowed me to feel it however I need to in a specific moments are the friends I continue to turn to on this day every year.
Do something that brings you joy
Today I started a mentoring program that our church is doing at a local elementary school. It was our first day, so I met my mentee for the first time today. I’m a long time fan of mentoring and have always seen the fruit of spending one on one time with a child or youth. That simple act today – getting to know my mentee brought me a kind of joy that helped me see how the pain of my past could be used to help someone else.
Take your mind off it
Sometimes what I need is to occupy my mind. To remind myself that the world around me is still turning even if my heart is broken. I’ve learned to recognize that in myself, especially more recent years, that I am strong enough to close the box on the grief. Somedays I need to remind myself that grief is real but it’s not in control. I am in control of my emotions. There were countless times today that I had to refocus myself, to not let my grief mess with what I was doing. It’s a skill I’ve learned over time but an important one that I’m glad I have now. No longer do I have to let grief completely shut me down.
When all else fails – Let it matter
There’s a song off of JOHNNYSWIM’s new album called Let it Matter. Both members of the couple lost one of their parents and they wrote this song in their grief. One of my favorite lines is – “I don’t wanna feel better, I don’t wanna feel good, I wanna feel it hurt like losing someone should.” If my last one was knowing when I need to take my mind off of it, this one is about knowing when I can’t take my mind off of it. As they say in the song – “if your heart is breaking let it ache.” Some moments I need to let it matter. I need to cry or vent or feel the depth of losing my father to an awful disease that robbed me of several good years and half a lifetime of memories.
I loved my dad. I still miss him, I will always miss him. He left this life too soon and it’s not fair. Grief is never fair.
If you’ve lost someone you love, maybe this resonates with you. Maybe my words can help you on the road to figuring out what makes you feel normal again. Because that’s what grief does to you – it takes away your normal. When the world around you is still spinning, still planning, still going on as if there wasn’t a gaping hole in your heart, you have lost your normal. Then you’re left figuring out a new normal, but even trying to find a new normal reminds you that you lost your normal. And the cycle continues.
There’s no way out of the cycle. But, dear friends, you are not alone. We’re in this together. We’re walking the road together. Let’s find some ways to cope together – I’ll share mine if you share yours.
what's the point in all this screaming – no one's listening anyway
Last month, I was at a pastors’ conference with my lead pastor and her mom. We walked into the building and up to the check in table, the two of them on either side of me. Another woman approached the table and greeted the two of them, looked at me and said something to the effect of “You’re like the contrast in the middle.” For half a second, my breath caught in my throat. I was surprised by her comment, her lack of greeting to me and was trying to decide how to react.
I chose laughter, a shrug and “Something like that.”
Later that night I was reflecting on this comment. It stuck with me long after a full evening of fellowship, worship and teaching. If I was watching the scene unfold from the outside, devoid of a deep knowledge of anyone in the situation, her comment would have sounded odd, perhaps racially charged.
But I am not devoid of that knowledge. The woman speaking is a former professor of mine. I know her, I understand her heart. Her observation was a simple one, my lead pastor and her mom are both tall blonde women. I am shorter with dark brown hair. I am sure that her comment was a literal comparison between our hair colors. Knowing her character made it easier for me to laugh the comment off because I knew she didn’t mean offense by it. There is a part of me that still kind of wishes she hadn’t said it because for me it was an arrow at all of my insecurities. But that part of me, the part that believes the lies I’ve been told most of my life, that part could be reasoned with and told to shut up and sit down.
This time.
A couple of weeks ago I was listening to the Relevant Podcast. It’s one of my favorite pastimes, I love the cast and they usually bring topics that really push me to grow. One of the cast members brought a story about clergy salaries at churches. The example the article was bringing was of a large church which meant the pastor’s salary was fairly high. A conversation ensued on the podcast that rubbed me the wrong way. I felt the anger of being misunderstood as a pastor rearing its ugly head. The statements they were making were barely factual, in my opinion, in my circumstance. I felt like I needed to stand up for all the pastors of small churches whose lives do not look like expensive cars, clothes and a life free of financial worries.
So I did something I never do. I fired off a passive aggressive tweet. I told myself I was just applauding one cast member for offering a different opinion. For a few minutes I felt empowered, my voice had been heard.
Until they fired a tweet back at me. Challenging my opinion with the classic, “we never said it like that.”
I was taken aback by the harshness in their tweet. It didn’t seem to fit with the brand that I’ve fallen in love with over the last couple of years. I replied with less sting and it was over.
Except I found myself still not sure how to listen to the podcast without remembering that interaction. Until this last week’s episode, when they addressed internet interactions. They referred back to that same episode that had rubbed me the wrong way – they had apparently gotten a lot of negative feedback.
In their discussion, one of their comments was that people often fire back when the article/discussion/post goes against their highly specified situation. And I realized that was exactly what I had done. Instead of taking the whole story and discussion into mind, I only thought of how my situation was different.
Their discussion was on a micro-situation and my micro-situation was different and that made me mad. And I reacted from that anger. I tried to use 140 characters to change their minds. When in reality what they were saying about that specific context was correct. Their minds didn’t need to be changed, my mind needed to be broadened.
Both of these situations have shed light on the world for me. They seem different, but in reality they are similar.
In both situations something I held dear was challenged.
In both situations I was given an option to react.
In both situations I reacted.
In the first situation I was able to react in a tempered manner because of what I knew about the person on the other side of the equation.
In the second situation I reacted rashly because of my perception of knowing the people on the other side. I’ve been listening to this podcast for a while, following each of the cast members on various social media platforms and that makes me think I know who they are on a deeper level. But the truth is, I don’t know them, in reality. Also, I tweeted it. I didn’t respond to them directly, I put it out there in the world.
What I’m learning about the world these days is that the internet tricks us into thinking we know more than we do. The perceived knowledge we have emboldens us to speak our opinions on all sorts of topics and people.
But sometimes I need to remind myself that no matter how much access social media gives me to the behind the scenes life of those I follow, I am a follower and not a friend. Not all of my thoughts need to be said “out loud” on the internet. Because no matter how long I take to craft the words in that tweet or comment, it will be read by people who don’t know me, by those who don’t know my heart or my experiences. Misinterpretation is a vicious cycle that doesn’t end until we try and see the other person’s point of view.