Month: December 2009

As you can tell, I haven’t been feeling much like blogging recently. Most of you know why, but if there is still those that don’t (I hate to do it over a blog but hey, that’s life) my dad passed away about two and a half weeks ago. There have been a lot of emotions and while I am no where near done processing, I did want to spew out a few random thoughts.
I’ve been listening to this Ben Rector song a lot recently. It’s called “Thank God I Miss You.” The lyrics are below, and they’ve touched my heart a lot. The truth of the matter is that I have a really hard time putting together words to explain how I feel. People ask and I usually give a shrug and an “I’m alright” when really there is a ton of other stuff going in my mind. This song says a lot of it. Mostly I can’t put together comprehensive thoughts about how I feel about my dad. Before his death we got to spend some time together and have closure, and I even got to do the eulogy at his funeral. The thing is, recalling all those memories of my dad makes me realize just how much I miss him and the impact he had on my life. The things he taught me, the way he loved me. I miss him.
But even just saying that doesn’t feel like enough to encompass what I feel. Ben Rector’s beautiful song helps me realize that although it hurts so much, I thank God that I miss him because missing him means that he was real. He was in my life and he loved me, I loved him too. I miss him because I allowed myself to feel and to love, even if that means unspeakable sorrow now.
for sometime I fear these words
are cheapened by the way they’re said
we do not mean them.
from a million miles away
words are all I know to say
so I am speaking to you right now.
so know I wrote this song
with all the words meaning what they mean
saying what they.
though it’s nothing you haven’t heard before
but I mean it more today,
believe me when I say,
I thank God I miss you.
I thank God I miss you.
from a hotel room and misunderstandings
my heart stands still and demands this candor.
although my hands shake I remain unshaken,
for the part that’s grounded is also taken
and that’s the way it should be.
The other thing rolling around in my head recently is this quote from William Irving that I heard on Criminal Minds this week. He said, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” I think this quote is so beautiful. So true and so real in my life right now. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to love.
I’ve been very blessed by people all around me loving me and allowing me time to be. It’s hard, and although I know it happens, I wish this never happens to anyone else. This is hard and unbelievably different from anything I’ve felt. This Ben Rector song and this William Irving quote is where I’m at. it’s messy and difficult, but it’s where I am. Straight up, that’s life sometimes. While God continues to be amazing and real, life still moves in slow motion. hearts still break.