finding shalom

Here’s something I’ve learned so far in Seminary … it’s hard.  End of story.
Just kidding.  But really, it is hard.  I’ve spent most of my time reading and not really doing much writing.  Which is evident because I haven’t posted a blog in 2 weeks.  That’s just crazy!
I would go back and talk about all the things I’ve been learning and growing in but it’s a lot so instead I’m going to talk more about something that happened today.  Today I had a meeting with NPU’s Campus Pastor about getting involved with University Ministries.  During our meeting we got on a few tangents and she challenged me to a sort of 30 day “fast.”  And I’ve decided to take her up on it.
This fast is purely technological and relational in both execution and intention.  I shared with her my struggle with feeling as though I am caught between two places.  I shared this in my post on Tim’s site (relationalyouthministry.com) but more and more I think I have struggled with wanting to make connections here but finding that it is so much easier to just call home/KC/Muskegon where people know my story, know my struggles and know my passions.  But I was challenged in my thinking of that today.
You see, it’s been proven that we only have space in our lives for 200 significant relationships.  Significant meaning that we think about them, they think about us, we have the ability to modify them and they have the ability to modify us.  Now, if you think about it, it only takes a couple of big moves until you fill up those 200 spots.  So at some point, you have to either cut some people or not make new connections in new places.  Right?
So if when I moved here I used 70% of my energies to really continue investing in the relationships back in various places I’ve lived then I only have 30% left to give to the people I’ve met here.  The funny thing is that those relationships are so good because I jumped in at 100% in Kansas City/moving back to Denver, etc.  So why doesn’t Chicago, this community deserve that same 100%?
I have sacrificed my incarnation-al relationships for my technological relationships.  When something exciting happens I get on the phone/twitter/facebook to notify people in various places.  When I’m struggling with something I do the same thing.  Same with what I’m learning.  My first instinct is to retreat back to those relationships that are already comfortable.  Shouldn’t my first instinct be to invest in people who I can talk to face-to-face?  I’ll answer that for you …. yes.
But it’s not about dropping my friends (like they’re hot).  It’s about trusting those friendships enough that we know that in order for us to be in healthy places that we must be fully invested where we are at.   It’s about being able to come back to those friendships and picking up where we left off.  It’s about knowing that in order for me to be healthy, I need to learn to depend on the people I am in physical community with.
So here are the logistics.  For the next 30 days I am cutting out the day-to-day communication with friends that live outside of my current zip code.  This will include but is not limited to: texts, phone calls, facebook and e-mails.
Now, I will say a few things about exceptions….  prayer requests will be accepted from my friends outside this zip.  Also accepted of course, would be emergencies.  I will also offer any (close) friend an option of a once per week catch up session via phone call.   But that’s about it.
The result, hopefully, will be the actual sharing of my true self with those around me.  Whenever something happens (good/bad/indifferent) that I want to share, I will have to find someone to share it with face to face.  I will have to have more incarnate relationships and invest in them.
NOTE: This will be an extreme adventure for me.  I’m not saying it is going to be easy, in fact it will probably be incredibly hard.  We all know how much Alicia likes her facebook …. however, this is me trying to be intentional with these people who I will be spending the next 2-3 years with.
I will be blogging (maybe) through this experience.  We’ll see because let’s be honest, it’s not a lack of things to say that have kept me blog free lately.  It’s the hundreds of pages of reading I have due about every two days here.
But here we go, adventure time!

I am 16 hours away from the start of my Greek final, meaning that I am only 19 short hours away from being done with Greek.  I am excited but at the same time I’m a little sad.  Yes, I realize how weird that sounds.  But to be honest, I’ve really enjoyed learning Greek.  Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, I’m not some crazy smart Greek scholar.  I don’t know everything there is to know about Greek.  But I’ve learned a lot.
Today a few of us from class took a little trip down to the archives of the library to check out some amazing things.  We got to see the evolution of the Bible (the new testament at least).  we saw some copies of an original Greek manuscript and then a few different versions of the original Greek bibles as well as the Gutenberg Bible which is in Latin.  We saw early English translations and heard some funny quotes from the scribes who were responsible for creating the original manuscripts.
It was fascinating.  I probably uttered the phrase “this is amazing” at least 30 times in that hour and forty-five minutes.  To think that our faith has such history.  To think back to the early days when scribes sat and copied down the text so that we could eventually read it all these years later.  The process that the scribes when through and the process that critics had to go through after them.  It is an amazing story of how many people have contributed over the years to providing us with a readable copy of the New Testament.  Astonishing.
While I could go on about this for hours, that’s not the point of this post.  I am sure that a lot of these thought processes will grace the blog in the coming few years that I spend at North Park but for now, a little reflection as I look forward to not only finishing Greek but getting the keys to my new apartment, going home to get my stuff and say good-bye to Colorado, to moving into my new apartment and starting this new chapter in my life.
I think back to that day about a year and a half ago when Tim sat me down in his office to talk about life after my internship.  I remember him pulling out that application to NPTS and my heart totally dropping.  I remember him asking me why I was suddenly crying and while I couldn’t entirely voice it, I knew it had to do with feeling inadequate.  I thought he felt as though I was not ready for ministry full-time.  I thought he felt I couldn’t do this job.  It was a long journey to get to the point that I’m at now, looking forward to the next few years at NP.
People have told me I’m crazy.  People have told me it’s the right next step.  People have told me I’ll regret it.  People have told me I’m just running away from life for a while.  I’ve had the whole spectrum of reactions to the statement, “I’m moving to Chicago to go to Seminary.”  And while I know that it will be harder to leave home this time, especially with the birth of my niece approaching rapidly, I know this is where God is taking me.
These past six weeks have been brutal.  I won’t lie that spending hours upon hours in the library or at Starbucks memorizing paradigms, grammar rules, vocabulary words is not how I imagined spending my summer.  Nor have I been loving the muggy grossness that is a Chicago summer.  However, I have already seen places in my life that I’ve been growing and where God is preparing me for ministry.  He has reignited the fire in my heart for Him and for His people.
So my prayer for being in Seminary is that my heart would be open to whatever God has in store for me.  That my excitement to learn be fueled and that I would push to know Him more, even in classes that might be boring or hard to handle.  I pray that I would have people in my life that would push me to be better.  I pray that I find a church to attend and serve in.  I pray that I would care more about how I am loving others than how they are loving me.  I pray that my eyes be opened to wonders anew and that I would be able to see Him all around me.  I pray that my insecurities would not keep me from His will for my life.
All this to say, I’m glad to be on this side of the process.  I’m thankful for those in my life who have continued to encourage and support my passions and goals.  Thankful for those how have and continue to walk down this road with me and who have spoken truth into my life.  Seminary isn’t about not being good enough yet, it’s about so much more and while I don’t yet know what that looks like in my life, I’m excited to see where it takes me.

On our second day of class, after our quiz, our professor said to us, “2 quizes down, 20 to go.”  After today we have 20 down and 2 to go.  I am one week away from being done with Greek and that is absolutely insane.  What is more insane is to think that I am leaving the day after for my homebound adventure.  6 full days of Colorado funness and then back in the car to drive off to my new life as a seminarian.
My mind has been working a little bit overtime these last few days.  In classic Alicia style I have pulled into myself as I’ve been evaluating a lot of relationships in my life and thinking about how crazy my life has been and continues to be.  I am really excited about classes starting up and meeting new people.  I’m excited to continue to invest in the friendships I’ve made these past 5 weeks and to make some new friends.  I’m excited for my classes, they should all be super fun and interesting.  I’m excited for my niece to be born, even if I’m 1000 miles away.  Basically I’m excited for life right now.
This week has been especially draining for me.  Moving around so much these last couple years has taken its toll on me.  It’s messed with my sense of “home” and makes me a little uneasy about friendships.  I’ve gotten a lot better at the long distance friendships but I think I’ve become more socially awkward (if that is possible).  Last week I was so social, going out every night and meeting new people.  I really tried hard and put myself out there and it was exhausting.  And as a result I didn’t do as well on my Greek test on Monday.  So I started this week a little emotionally drained.  Trying to find community is hard, it takes a lot of effort and energy.  Which is a good thing because nothing worth anything ever goes down easy. (name that song).
The saving grace for me this week has been the couple of friendships that I have found here that are already easy and good.  People that I have fun with and enjoy being around whether it’s walking around the neighborhood or watching Bethenny Getting Married?  Even studying Greek has been made more fun.  It’s been good to already feel like I have a couple of friends that are genuinely fun to be around.  We laugh a lot and we enjoy the same types of things.  It’s been good.
The only other thing keeping me alive these days is Starbucks.  Joke all you want but Greek is HARD and the bucks just makes it that much more enjoyable.  I do love me some good Starbucks  (as if that’s a shock to anyone who reads this blog.)
This post seems a little disconnected but that’s how my brain feels these days.  The full lyric for today’s blog title is “I can’t tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like” … It’s basically how I feel these days.  I can’t really tell you what is going on up there in my head, I can only try to put words to these feelings of unsettledness and the joy of new beginnings.  I think that this summer has gone by so fast that I never allowed myself to really process any of it as I went.  It’s starting to catch up with me and I’m all in my head these days.  I need to get out of my head and into the world again… maybe when Greek’s done (which is what I say about everything.)
Greek quote of the week:  a conversation between me and my friend in class during translations.  He was disagreeing with our teachers translation… for the record, he was wrong…:
Me: ‘”Did you just ‘Boom Roast’ our professor?”
Him: “No, I just ‘Boom Roast’ed the Bible”