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everything's closer to the end

The end of the semester is upon me. I am 3 papers, 2 finals and 1 test away from the freedom of Summer. In attempts to cleanse my palate a bit as I’m in the middle of paper writing, I thought I would try and reflect a bit on what has been going on in life as well as what’s coming up… we’ll see how it works.  So totally random and in no specific order, here’s what’s going on up in my head …

  • I was elected President of our Student Association. Before you get all impressed, I ran unopposed so there was no competition, but still, I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is kind of a big deal. So far, not much has changed except that I’m suddenly super visible on campus and people are starting to call me “Madame President” and the rare couple of people enjoy saluting me in the library, on the green space and in the Seminary building. But basically, little has really changed …. yet. I know the change is coming, I know it’s happening soon, I just can’t wrap my head around it quite yet.
  • I’m starting to realize how much my community here has blessed me and shaped me within this first year of seminary. I look at those around me and realize just how much of an impact they have had on me. The people who have pushed me to be a better version of myself, those who have made me stumble in challenging ways, those who have broadened my interests to include things like the Lord of the Rings movies, and those that have taught me valuable life lessons – like self-confidence.  It is almost impossible to leave a community like this unchanged, and I think this year has changed me a lot, in a lot of good ways.  I’m looking forward to continuing this community in coming years but realizing how much it will change with a new class coming in as an older class graduates and moves on.
  • I am not ready to spend two and a half months away from the roommate.
  • I am, however, excited to spend six whole weeks with my nieces and the goddaughter.  I think I’m going to teach Bizzy to walk so that I don’t miss her first steps…
  • I survived my first Chicago winter, and while the spring is slowly arriving, I am excited for the Colorado summer ahead of me, at least part of it.
  • I babysit three children on a regular basis, different families – their names all started with Es.  I think E-names might be trending right now.
  • I do not miss facebook, not even a little bit.
  • After several conversations lately with a new friend I realized … I really miss the dance world.
  • Research papers are way more fun when you’re passionate about the topics.  I’m writing one right now on the lives of John and Spencer Perkins and the Christian’s call to Racial Reconciliation.  Boo-yah.
  • Friendships/Relationships are messy and sometimes they hurt like hell, but if you can make it through the pain, there’s beauty on the other side.
  • Some days, coffee and music are the only things that help me survive…my own personal gifts from the Lord.
So that’s the mumbled jumbled mess inside my head.  I like to call it “end of semester brain.”  It’s an interesting place.  However, in exactly 10 days my first year of Seminary will be complete and I will be free to sip coffee and read for pleasure all my days.  It shall be glorious.
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in your dark moments

I was reading the “Note from the editor” in the Covenant Companion the other day and it really struck a chord in me. She was writing on the story of Mary Magdalene meeting Jesus outside the tomb and not knowing that its Jesus until he says her name. “Mary.” Then she suddenly realized it was him. (John 20). I can’t imagine that moment, when she’s crying because the one who saved her from everything has been killed. Suddenly someone is invading her crying time, she thinks he is a gardener – asking her why she’s crying. She explains and he just says her name and her eyes are opened. It’s a beautiful scene.
In this “From the Editors” section, the writer talks about how we are so desperate for someone to know us, that “someone would see past our bravado or our tears or our quiet pretense and actually see us.” She points out that of course, Jesus is the one to see us in those places. And when we turn toward him, we receive the healing that only comes from God. She goes on to say that once we respond to Jesus’s call, then we can begin to truly see those around us. To see the places where those in our lives are trying to hide their burdens and suffer alone. We can share in those struggles together by listening, noticing and loving.
For a little over a week now it has seemed like a few of my close friends in seminary have been in some serious struggles. And what has been really cool is the chance that we’ve gotten to be there for each other. To truly step into each others lives and be present. To share moments together that we will look back on with fond memories. They were moments of prayers, tears, hugs, inappropriate laughter, movies to help us escape, cookies, slurpies and being Christ in each others lives.
I know this community doesn’t stay this way forever, it’s the nature of being in Seminary. People go on internship, new students come in, we travel for the summers, people graduate and move on in life. But on some level, it makes me realize how much more valuable this community is right now. In life we have the tendency to hold back, not let people care for us until we’ve reached some euphoric level of friendship. And yes, you don’t have to share things right off the bat that are hard and painful with people to get to the place where care can happen.
Instead, you just have to show up. To notice. To listen. and to love. You don’t have to understand what people are going through or even know, you just have to be there in a tangible way. And this week, my community around me did that for each other and it was one of those moments in my life that I took a heart picture and thought, “This is Church.”

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If you want to … I am game

The other day I went to a closing Borders to see what I could find for $4.99 or less.  I walked out after having spent $18 with three new CDs and a sweet coffee table book.  It was overall a successful outing.
One of the CDs I bought was Lisa Hannigan’s Sea Saw.  It caught my eye because, well it’s Lisa Hannigan.  The second reason I purchased it was because it was the album that “I Don’t Know” is on, which is a song I was given by Ben during one of my KC visits.  I was obsessed with this song all summer about two years ago.  Now that I have this album, the obsession has been resurrected.
So during my time at the library today I’ve been listening to my new music whilst translating my Revelation passage and “I Don’t Know” came on my itunes.  I decided to look it up and see if I could find any cool videos.  And of course, I did.  So enjoy this one video while I begin to formulate more deep reflections on life…
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m0Vq9pPblE&w=640&h=390]

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if only you would keep me in your thoughts

Last night my brother sent me this video my niece Bizzywho is now 7 and 1/2 months old:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evJm4tSTl_E&w=480&h=390]
There are two things that I love about this video, and one thing that I only think is so-so.  The first I love is that I have no idea what she finds so incredibly funny.  She tries to crawl, instantly falls down and just starts this deep laugh that I wasn’t even sure was possible at such a young age.  And yet there she sits, laughing her little heart out.
Secondly, I love that about half-way through the video she pauses, looking into the camera and at that moment you hear my other niece, Benny (5 and 1/2 years old) yell out, “Bizzie!!” which makes me think she’s doing something silly to cause her sister to laugh.  And Bizzy starts all over again.
The last thing that I only think is so-so (but would admit I think I love it too), is the fact that Bizzy seems to have inherited my laugh.  I’m not sure if that’s really something that is inherited, but if you have ever heard me laugh, you know it’s true.  I have one of those laughs that I kind of hate because it is so loud and I just cannot help it.  Isabella has a laugh like that.  However, on a baby it’s SUPER cute.  Or maybe I just think it is cause she’s my niece.
I love that my brother sends me videos and pictures like the one above of Bizzy eating a french fry (which I’m pretty sure she shouldn’t be eating).  I love that he tries his hardest to keep me in the loop.  But on some level, it’s just not enough.  I miss both of these little girls with my whole heart.  I pray for them every time I think about them, which is often.  Some nights I just wish I could tuck them into bed or read stories with them instead of seeing them on a computer screen or saying good night on the phone.  I miss them so much it hurtsat times.
And yet, I know that I am here for a reason.  I get that confirmation every few days and I’m glad to be here.  I just wish that here and there were just a little bit closer.  At least close enough that I could see them every couple weeks, instead of every few months.  But until that is a reality again, I will keep looking at pictures and videos.  I will keep praying for them and the women they will become.  I will keep calling my house in hopes that Benny will be in the mood to talk to her favorite Tia rather than watch iCarly.  I will continue to love them from 1000 miles away.

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brown paper packages tied up with string

The other night I was sitting around with my church small group and we were talking a bit about our favorite foods.  It started as my best friend and her husband talking about their favorite type of candy and how those types of candy are not shared with company.
Then last night the roomsmate and I had a couple of friends over to watch a movie and were were offering them something to drink.  Now, we don’t share a lot of things in our apartment so when we have guests over we have a rule that you can only offer up your own drinks/food to the guests.  So I was offering up drinks but I realized I had nothing in the fridge to offer up, except my coveted juice boxes, so Roomsmate offered up the drinks she had and after everyone was served the conversation came up about sharing things.  I revealed our rule as an explanation as to why the options I gave sounded so awkward.  I think I said something along the lines of, “because I don’t have any drinks so I couldn’t offer anything, except for juice boxes and we all know how I feel about juice boxes.”
To which one friend said, “I don’t know how you feel about them…”  So I had to come clean, “I don’t share my juice boxes,” I replied sheepishly.  Luckily he accepted that and we started the movie.
But this got me thinking about our favorite things.  In our apartment, we are usually open to sharing or letting each other have some of our food with the exception of a few items.  You always have to ask but mostly, we’re pretty open to sharing.  Except for certain things.  In living together we’ve been able to pin point those things in each other and it’s now a funny joke.
Roomsmate has her Kinders, (a bbq sauce from California that is seriously so good) hot dogs and bacon.  Cat has her tea that she drinks all the time.  And mine?  Apple juice boxes and tortillas.  My roommates know that I love these two items more than almost anything else and if they were to finish my tortillas or drink a juice box, it would be bad news.
It’s just funny to me how one way that I judge closeness with people is if they know what those few items you have to have on hand at all times.  Roomsmate knows that my heart is happy when I’m eating a tortilla.  I know that if she’s eating some chicken or sandwich she’s going to have her Kinders there for dipping.
What’s more is that it’s a simple way to show each other love.  To share the things we love with each other is a simple way of loving each other.  We often joke that Roomsmate will know when I’ve met my future husband when I allow him to have a juice box.  Cause she’s not even allowed to have one.
So what are your favorite things?  Do you know your roommates/friends/spouses?  and how do you share (or don’t share) them?

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close your eyes and see

Part of my goal this semester is to challenge myself outside of class through reading and devotional activities in order to not allow my faith to just be something I talk about in class, since there is a lot of that going on in Seminary, especially with me.  So at the beginning of the semester I said that i was going to read books that challenged me and that weren’t assigned by my professor.  I didn’t really start until Spring Break, and I did so on a whim…
The Monday of Spring Break I was at one of my babysitting jobs and sort of bored while the baby was sleeping and since it was Spring Break and I was leaving for Vegas later that night – I had brought no homework.  So I picked up a book that looked intriguing and started reading it, knowing nothing about the author or the book.  It’s called Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace and Learning the Hard Way by Shauna Niequist.  That day I read the first third of the book.  The following Monday I read another third and tomorrow I’m looking forward to finish it.  The only reason I didn’t finish it last Monday was that I had hit an intense chapter which had made me do an internal “whoa” and therefore needed to stop and process for a bit.
The author is extremely honest and raw in this book.  She talks about her feelings and her relationships in a way that’s deeply real.  In her words I found a lot of myself, a lot of where I’ve been in these last few months.  Learning about grace and change the hard way.  I feel a strange connectedness to her, even though I’ve never met her and we live very different lives.  Still, her words touch my heart and make me look at myself in a different way.  It’s really intriguing.
I read a chapter called “Twenty-five” in which the author reflects on being twenty-five-ish.  She speaks in a way that’s encouraging about what it’s like to be in this age range.  It’s a time of life full of possibilities and yet it’s still oddly routine.  People my age live in a couple of different ways, some live in the mundane of everyday life, waiting for their lives to being.  They may be working a crappy job, still in school or whatever, they feel as though they are marking time until they get to whatever their life purpose is.  And others live into the adventure of life, they try new things, they live life loud and without hesitation.
Being in Seminary this year I find myself falling into that first category and it’s terribly saddening.  I didn’t used to be like this, how has life gotten so boring?  I miss the excitement of being passionate and enjoying life.  This chapter made me pause and take a hard look at myself, my faith, my relationships and where my life is going.  While I realized I’m not living like I would like to, I also realized there is time to change that and to reignite that fire in my heart.

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At the airport before taking off to Vegas I picked up the book, The Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible by A.J. Jacobs.   I feel as though I’m late in joining the Christian bandwagon of those who have read this book, although in my conversations here I realize a lot of people haven’t.  So I may be late on the Christian bandwagon and early on the Pastor-wannabes wagon…
Anyways, the basic premise of this book is that this guy who was formerly agnostic takes the challenge of trying to live the biblical laws literally for a year, and he documents it in this memoir.  I picked it up as a light read for being poolside in Vegas and have since realized, it is not a light read.  At times it’s super funny and just light-hearted, at other times it challenges my thinking on my faith and at the same time, fascinates me to see how others may view this faith of mine.
Throughout the course of the book he meets with various pastors, rabbis and extremists in the faith to discuss the laws.  It’s been a crazy read to hear stories of the various things people believe and to wonder where and how this faith tradition has changed so drastically.  It’s also very interesting to hear his point of view as someone learning about these things for the first time as an adult.  We often read bible stories from the old testament and think, “Yeah, I learned about this in Sunday school” and just accept the weirdness, but this author reads it from the adult perspective of “I’m sorry, what??”

In a lot of ways it is making me think more and more about evangelism and how to approach biblical conversations with those who have grown up outside of the church.  It’s a really interesting perspective, and I’m glad I picked it up.  And I’m only about a third of the way into his year!!

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So here’s where I’m at….  I’m fighting to rediscover my passion for life and the things God has for me.  I’m hoping that a few things coming up will help to aid in that as well as a few changes I’ve made in my everyday life.  I’m hoping that in this season I can dig in deeper and try to really connect with God and my identity in him.  I’ll keep ya updated on how it’s going.

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the search for great coffee pt 3

Yes, I realize it’s been two months since I have actually posted an update on this topic, however…life has been moving at warp speed lately so I have had a hard time actually getting out of my neighborhood.  However, this week my lovely roommate, Roomsmate, was craving hot dogs so we went out to Lincoln Park to a Chicago Hot Dog place that she had heard about and while we were in the area I convinced her to let me stop in at a coffee shop on my list.
So I got to go into Darkcloud: Urban Coffee Lab which was ranked at #10 on the list.  First of all the name intrigued me most of all.  Then I walked in, expecting a dark and dingy lab basement and found all white alls and clean.  It was definitely not what I had expected.  I stepped up to order and being that it was about 7 or 8 pm on a Saturday night, I was the only person there.  The workers were really nice and super friendly.  They also brew by the cup and it is a very interesting brew process.  A quote from my list’s description sums it up nicely, “Coffee fiends will want to drop in to taste the supremely subtle, nuanced results of the Siphon—a two-chamber glass implement that brews coffee via heat-powered vacuum—but others might find the excessively deliberate coffee methods here a tad too precious.”
I found that the coffee had nice flavor and wasn’t too bitter.  Overall I think I would go back there, but the atmosphere would not be right for a study place.  But maybe if I just wanted a quick cup of coffee on the way to the zoo or something in that area.

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Don't you wanna be the last one standing out?

Almost a year ago I had a phone conversation with one of my good friends in Kansas City.  I remember that it was shortly after deciding to pursue Seminary full-time and the desires that I had to work within the Church were becoming more strong.  I am pretty sure that I spent most of the time in that conversation venting about our generation’s lack of concern for the Church…or something along those lines.  After we hung up, she got on her blog and spun some words together about our conversation and posted them for all to read.  I remember the next day reading them and while I knew they were about me not being able to believe that she actually thought those things about me.
She spoke in musical metaphors and about how I don’t run from dissonance.  Instead I ask the question of “how can I make this better?”  It’s an interesting concept that I’m not sure I see in myself.  I struggle with if I should even post this here because I’m afraid that it will sound vain or self-glorifying.  But it’s something that I’ve been processing lately so bare with me.
I think often times I have a bit of a critical eye.  Not that I’m a cynical person necessarily, but that I look at the world through this lens that strives for something better.  I think I’ve had it all my life and I’m just now learning how to hone it, or more-so, how to use it for good.    At the end of last semester our small group had the chance to affirm each other and we took the time to speak a word into each other’s lives.  It was a beautiful, Spirit filled time of affirmation, and one of my fellow seminarians used the words “fight and grit” to describe me.  He told me I was someone who didn’t run from the grit of life and would stick around to fight it.
Now, something you should know about our small group is that we weekly get together to share what is going on in our lives and then we take time to share with each other a word that we feel has been given to us by the Spirit for each other.  Our group is fabulous.  Other classmates don’t feel the same way about their groups but miraculously, our group is just really good and entering into this time together.  Of the times we’ve met together I would say about 90% of the things shared with me – from my classmates from the Spirit – have been either dead on in the moment or have come around full circle in the coming days.  So when Ed shared “fight and grit” with me … I was intrigued to see how that would play out.
Getting to the point now … being in Seminary has really made me question my call and my identity.  I’ve had a lot of moments where I’ve stumbled and thought to myself, “I don’t want to be this person” but the problem is in identifying the person I do want to be – or more so the person that God has created me to be.  Being here has made me realize that this “critical eye” (I’m struggling through a better way to name this) is something worth investing some effort in and realizing that maybe, just maybe, it’s something God had given me for Kingdom work, but only if I learn to use it right.  To use it to point out injustices or places where we need to grow.
Which leads me to this blogs title, it’s from a song by the Damnwells that says:
Don’t you wanna be last one standing out?
Don’t you wanna be filling up the dark?
So just sing it loud, once you think you’ve figured out …
In a world where everyone is striving to be the same and not “rock the boat” …. Don’t you wanna be the last one standing out?

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why should I gain from his reward?

One of my classes this semester is an online class called Evangelism and Discipleship.  So far, I’m really enjoying it.  I am finding myself challenged by the various thoughts on what Evangelism look like and how the best way is to communicate this Gospel to which I’ve given my life.
So this week’s topic is “What is the Gospel?”  We had some readings to do and then a challenge of writing an essay that explains what the Gospel is in 55 words or less.  It’s off this movement called 55-word fiction.  This movement sort of intrigues me, as does the thought of trying to sum up the Gospel in 55 words.  It seems unbelievably challenging.
I’ve tried already a couple of times and each time it comes out so formulaic.  It seems so dry and impersonal.  Like I’m giving the Sunday School answer of “We were created to be in community with God but then sin entered the world and we were separated from God.  Then Jesus came and died for us so we could be reunited with God.”  … the end, amen.
I look at my words on the screen and think, gross.  So impersonal and so blah.  I can almost see that cheesy diagram they pass out in tracts and draw on the board to help you understand why it is Jesus died for us.  Ya know, with the two cliffs and the cross that we can walk across to get to God…  yeah, that one.
But that is so not my style.  Not that I don’t think those tools are helpful and have brought thousands of people to Christ.  I just can’t help but feel there needs to be more.
I want to display the scandal that is the act of the cross.  The fact that Jesus walked on earth as an equal to God and yet he didn’t claim that as something to place him above others.  He humbled himself to the point of the most humiliating death known at that time and allowed himself to be killed by the hands of the people he was sent to save.  The love and grace that takes is literally unthinkable. We cannot imagine it.  We do not have the capacity as fallen creatures to understand what that feels like.
But we are called to respond.  We are called to love out of that grace and love.  To worship the God that stood by and watched his son die on the cross.  To try and identify with that in some way, to which we cannot, at least not fully.
The beauty of the Gospel is that it is simple, “Come, all who are weary and I will give you rest” (Matt 11:28).  All we have to do to receive that salvation is to come to him, and yet as a response to that gift we must love him and love others around us.
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Last night I went downtown to attend the worship session for Youth Worker’s Connection.  It was, as always, a great night of worship and fellowship.  After a great message was delivered on hope we sang the old hymn, “How Deep the Father’s Love for Us.”  A hymn that I have always loved for the way that it grabs my heart right out of my chest.  But last night was different.
Last night I was sitting there and listened the the verse that said,
“How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns his face away
As wounds which mare the chosen one
Bring many sons to glory”
In that moment I flashed back to sitting in the hospital next to my dad, holding his hand as he struggled to breathe.  I remember the gut-wrenching pain that filled me and the amount of hatred I had for this disease that was killing him.  Then I thought about how there are other words in this song that say, “It was my sin that held him there.”  And I thought about the way that God must love us an unbelievable amount because he doesn’t hold that against us.  Instead he pours blessings over us time and time again.
Keep in mind that I have never loved anyone perfectly and my dad probably the least of all of those.  And my dad never loved me perfectly.  My dad made his choices and I made mine.  As heartbreaking as his death was and still is in my life, it is nothing compared to the blameless death of Christ on the cross.  But for a small moment last night I had a slight glimpse into what that could have felt like.  And it sucked.  It makes me want to love so much more, worship so much better and all in all be better.
so now the question begs itself…. how do I put that into 55 words?

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the quest for great coffee pt 2

Yesterday afternoon I made a plan to hang out with the Best Friend and after she picked me up she suggested that we go to Julius Meinl.  Which, coincidentally, is on the list!  Scoring at number 7, Julius Meinl is an Austria-based coffee shop that serves every cup of coffee on a tray with a glass of water and a biscuit.
Now this coffee shop was one of the only one’s on the list I had ever even heard of, having driven by it several times but never going in.  Best Friend had never been there either and we had a plan to go and talk for a while and then do some work/homework.
On a Saturday afternoon, the Julius Meinl we went to was packed.  Located in southern Lincoln Square it was pretty packed with people.  We walked in and realized that everything we had thought of this coffee shop was incorrect.  It is definitely higher end of coffee shop, fully equipped with a “please wait to be seated” sign.
Because I had already had too much coffee yesterday, I ordered a White Toffee Tea Latte off of the specials menu.  Let me tell you, it was delicious.  The atmosphere was great for community with a close friend.  The service was friendly and the price was about even with the atmosphere and product you were receiving.  I would discourage people from trying to actually study there, it’s not the right atmosphere, but go with a good friend.
They also had food that looked really delicious.  So everyone, go check it out with a friend that you want to catch up with.  Go there, sit for a while and enjoy the little escape from living in the middle of a city.
Two down, thirteen to go.  So far this challenge has gotten me out of my box and allowed me to enjoy some good community.  I’m stoked to see what else this challenge has in store for me.  Yeah, Buddy!
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Here is a side note to just appreciate the day that I had yesterday.  I woke up early and had coffee with a few seminary girls to catch up on the events of the weekend.  Then I drove out to Ch’ava and did homework for a few hours before returning home to have lunch with my roomsmate.  We sat around and caught up for a while before I went to Julius Meinl with Best Friend.  She and I sat and chatted for a couple hours before I returned home to find Roomsmate hanging out with another one of our friends.  So we hung for a while then Roomsmate and I went to dinner and got ice cream cones at McDonalds.  After that the Swed gave us a Swedish lesson and we rounded the night out by watching a movie with the guys.
Yesterday was one of those days where I found myself unbelievably thankful for the community that surrounds me.  This week, as we’ve been re-entering into each others’ lives I have realized how lucky I am to have these friends in this place.  I’m excited to see what the rest of this year has for us all.